My porno addiction and HOCD. PLEASE READ AND COMMENT!! (19 years old)

If you really want someone to read your wall of texts you should consider making it easier to read.

 

tryingreallyhard,

Okay. You're not gay. Nobody should hate you if you were. But it sounds as if you would hate yourself if you were.
Why? I think it would be good for you to ask yourself that question.

It sounds like you're chasing after sex that you're simply not ready for yet, emotionally. Again, why?
You do know that some people save sex for marriage, right? It's an option. At least, when you're in a really strong relationship and there is nothing you can do in bed that would make the other person think less of you, the whole experience is much better! Why not wait until then?

That said, there is a lot of worrying stuff in your post much worse than "ED and HOCD", to be frank.

1. Messing with boner pills. Placebo or not, you should not need drugs to have recreational sex. At your age, unless you have a spinal injury that leaves you in a wheelchair, there is no physical reason for them. None. They should not be in the picture. At all. You know what to do when your brain thinks you want sex but your body isn't into it? YOU DON'T HAVE SEX! You switch to doing something else that's fun for a while. Really. That's what you do. A good partner will roll with it. You'll have great experiences together, if you're with the right person.
The same is true of anti-anxiety pills and alcohol. If you need to get yourself good and drunk to work yourself up into having sex with someone, you should not be having sex with that person! (At least not at that time!) Just. Don't! Think about WHY.

2. Drinking alone. You should never drink alone, not even in moderation. Were you raised by alcoholics? (You don't have to answer that question.) The point is, you're looking at the beginning of a BIG problem that WILL kill you if you don't get a handle on it. You're self-medicating with the stuff. Stop it, reach out, and get some help. The earlier you tackle it the better. I'm not saying you need to be a teetotaler for the rest of your life. Not everyone who struggles with alcoholism is. I'm saying, talk about what you're doing with someone responsible whom you trust, and find out what it takes to get your use of alcohol back into non-abusive territory.

3. You're in college. You have real mental health issues. That's nothing to be ashamed of; many people do. But, you do know that campus has a Department of Mental Health services, right? When you're a student, it is the easiest time in your life to gain access to counseling and mental health treatment at low or no cost to you. Don't worry that anyone will know whom you don't want to know. It's confidential. It doesn't go on your school records or anything. Most campuses have counselors on hand who can help you with ongoing challenges. You make an appointment, maybe you have weekly appointments. They can also point you in the right direction if you need medications for your social anxiety and depression. You need a doctor to supervise your taking drugs; one, so that you find the right thing that actually works, and two, so that you don't accidentally die! Don't accidentally die. Make a list for yourself of the people who love you and would miss you and the awesome stuff you want to do in the future. Keep it handy. Again, there is no shame in asking for the right kind of help. You're trying to help yourself in secret and it's not working. Reach out. Over the summer, if you feel safe doing so, ask your family for help getting access to mental health care. If not, at the very least, make an appointment with your regular doctor and talk about this stuff you're going through. Everything you say is confidential and protected by HIPAA. Really. If you can pay for pharmaceuticals yourself, nobody but you, your doctor and your pharmacist even need to know. But if there is someone you trust nearby, please talk to them. You want somebody local to keep an eye on you. It will help.

Please post again to mention how you're doing. Wishing you the best.

 

I don't think this is important for him. He made it clear that his thoughts of being gay came from his poor performances in the sex which he forced himself to have (by pills and alcohol), being influenced by porn obviously. I think he should fight these thoughts of being gay, as it goes along with his commitment to stop PMO.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with this. "Fighting" ANY thoughts only serves to make them more powerful. If he feels he's obsessive already, fighting the thoughts will only make them more severe.

tryingreallyhard, if you know you're not gay, but obsessive thoughts of being gay flood into your mind from time to time, try accepting the thoughts for a while. I'm not telling you to act on them, you wouldn't if you weren't gay, I'm just saying try to let them flow into your consciousness and flow out. Resisting them and raging against them will only make you more miserable and anxious.

It's already been mentioned, but I'll mention it again: You don't HAVE to have sex yet. If you feel you need to get drunk before sex, you shouldn't be doing it. Talk to your girlfriend, she seems pretty understanding so it will most likely bring you closer together in the end, even if it's really uncomfortable initially.

It's not easy, but you can do this. Keep us up to date on what's going on.

 

BossTime, I was just trying to say that I suspect that his thoughts of being 'gay' are a proxy for something else. If so, identifying and calling out that something else would be a more effective way to solve the problem. Whatever your values are, fighting shouldn't mean beating your head against a brick wall, you know?

 

Hi tryingreallyhard. You puke when you try and have sexual contact with your girlfriend and you are terrified of being gay. You say that you did anything and everything to confirm your heterosexuality. You describe yourself of being in fear of those "What if I'm gay" thoughts; and that "Everyone I know would hate me if I was gay"; and "No one would accept me".

All this adds up to the fact that you are in denial about your homosexuality. I think you have misdiagnosed yourself with HOCD so that you can suspend your disbelief. You do not want to be gay, partly because nobody in your social network would accept you without judgement. Regardless of how inconvenient your homosexual orientation may be, you are what you are my friend.

 

Lol, not sure if I get this. You have homosexual 'thoughts', but youre not attracted to men and dont watch gay porn? As in, you only /think/ you might be homosexual because of a few bad sexual experiences with your gf?
Not sure if the logic here checks out.
And lol @ IGY's confident diagnosis.

 

Wow this is intense !
From reading thru this my conclusion can be the "gay" thoughts are a red herring, nothing about what you have said suggests you are gay... (does gay porn turn you on, no... then there's your answer). This sounds like a purely chemical/biological reaction to foolishly taking medications you know little about.. STOP TAKING THEM ! Your body will self heal remarkably easy. As for your G/F, yes the break is a great thing as it sounds you need space to figure out what you want from this relationship, apparently not sex, at least not yet. Cut out the meds, cut out the porn, don't allow yourself to get anxious, breathe and enjoy the small things in life, smile, laugh, have fun ! You'll reset in more ways than you can know atm, when your G/F returns have a conversation, she must be freaking out at your reactions to having sex with her... Women have an amazing ability to understand once they realise they're not the problem, if she's walked with you thru this, she can probably walk with you thru anything..

Wow, you puked while giving her oral, imagine what must have gone thru her mind when you did that... "did she shower, is she diseased, is she incredibly ugly to you !?!" How on earth did she not just run screaming ! Speaks a lot to her integrity and how she really must be into you to put up with all that... doubt you could shock her with anything after that... but it sounds like she's still there and you must have amazing chemistry in other areas... perhaps as a couple you could focus on that.
As have been said, you will need help, and the campus counselling is a very good idea

All the best, and please keep us informed, this is a very interesting read indeed !

To add..... society pressures many ppl to having sex waaay b4 they're ready, a real man knows when to just say no!