Where do you draw the line between socializing and wasting time?

My top priority is being productive, making the best out of my life, and adding value to the world.

If I want to stay in top form, I need to take care of myself, feel fulfilled, connect emotionally with other people, and feel fulfilled on some level. So recently, I've started trying to socialize.

My biggest problem whenever I socialize is that I tend to stay longer than I intend to until it becomes more of a waste of time for both people rather than being a productive use of time. In my mind, it's also blurry whether this is even a problem: I enjoy myself with other people, and it helps to improve my social skills and connect with people.

My question is: how do you know when you hit that time when "socializing" becomes a waste of time rather than a way to renew yourself, feel emotionally connected, and feel like it's a good invest ment of your time?

 

I OFTEN feel like socializing is a waste of time. Not in the sense that I don't enjoy it or I get nothing from it, but more like "I have so many other things I want to do and improve on in my life. I don't want to be talking to these people here, now."

 

I usually get bored within the first half hour of a get-together that should last hours.

 

As a guy who has, at different times in the past year, had the most fun time at a party and the least fun guy, I can confirm that it was because I didn't feel engaged, and I was at a point in my life when "work" and PMO dominated my life.

Once Socializing and hobbies became a part of my life, I had a lot more fun going out to meet people.

 

Thank you. I remember someone sharing this before on one of my posts (probably you), but I hardly have time to watch an hour long video if I first want to express myself or ask focused questions to other people. I want to set aside time soon.

I actually watched the first 5 mins and realized that I did that before too. This was part of the reason why I set up systems and habits in my life first - so that I can "automate the balance of the spoon" (the everyday routines of life) while still seeing the sights and going out to have fun (the fun, social part).

 

I feel like this is a good and bad thing. I also believe this is an "incomplete story." I am ambitious and I would sacrifice a lot to reach my goals. That is my top priority. I did not surround myself with ambitious friends before, I let the people who put in effort to be around me become my friends. After years, I realized this really isn't what I wanted - that they were only my friends because I didn't actively choose who I hung out with.

I realized that many of these people didn't actually care about me. They only care about how my presence makes them feel: empowered, comforted... I can't think of anything else. "My friend is someone who is doing something great with their life, working his butt off to improve it, and he hangs out with ME." They do things for me, but I never feel like it's for my own good, only to keep me as their friend. I tell them I want to focus on improvement, and they want me to spend waste time going to watch movies or something. If they really wanted to hang out, they could suggest some type of self-improvement activity we can do together: cycling, taking a class (maybe cooking) together, going to a book club, ANYTHING like that.

Sure, I'm alone, but in my opinion, it's better that way for now. It's not that I don't want friends, it's that I want to find like-minded friends, and I want to keep adding value to THOSE people.
I forgot the balancing act - it's not that I don't like hanging out with people, it's that I haven't found the RIGHT people to hang out with - who- or whatever that may be.

Thanks for prompting my thoughts.

 

Wow, YOU'RE RIGHT. In every sense of the word. I formed a lot of connections in my head while reading your post. I actually got chills. I REMEMBER.

Socializing felt like a waste of time because I have A VISION of where I want my life to go, about this immense value I want to show and give to the world, but never learned how to translate. I felt that most of my old social interactions were mostly with a bunch of people who didn't have a specific goal, or else they didn't have the same FIRE I had for the life I wanted. They mostly wanted to chill, enjoy their life and be around another person.

I didn't want that. I had something I wanted to do... I still have something I want to do, and I'm not letting "socializing" stop me or slow me down from getting that done. Still, I understand that in order to translate that goal into the world, not only do I need to work hard and sacrifice greatly, I will also need the help of other people. I can't do this on my own - all I have is a vision, determination, and I've cultivated the habits of discipline to get things done. But I don't have the skills, the connections, the outside perspectives to get this done... not on my own. I love people, I love working with them, I have a grasp of the rules of human social dynamics, but I love this vision of mine more. It's what drove me to push myself so hard last semester, and for a few years before that. I've been stopped and slowed down by PMO so many times, but I'm still fighting.

That's right! This idea, this vision I have in my mind is the real reason I wanted to push my communication skills!

Mastery.

The thoughts of sex, seeing other women, the urges - none of that compares to what I REALLY want in my life. And I want the communication skills to translate that vision and enthusiasm to others. I want a deeper understanding of the world, the skills to translate that effectively into reality, and the communication skills to light the fire in those around me.

Thank you so much. You've helped bring back my drive, enthusiasm, and focus even if it's just for the duration of this post. You've helped light the fire again.

Imagine what's possible!

 

Know what's crazy?

I've realized I actually do have a deep knowledge to socialize already. I've studied this extensively and I've experienced what it's like to apply that knowledge. All that's left is to review them, then make it a habit. Applying the knowledge into your life does not matter for too long until I integrate it as part of my DAILY life. I must practice. I will make this natural.

Plans are forming at a crazy rate in my head...

First: A quick reflection - and how I "overcame" perverted urges.

• Watch body language, not privates - I read two books on body language (What Every BODY is Saying, and the Definitive Book of Body Language) half a year ago and started applying what I learned ~so I guess you can say I'm an expert now~ I started paying more attention to the BODY LANGUAGE of people around me again. What I found was that this helps me shift my focus completely.
• My default used to be
  1) feeling self-conscious or somewhat inferior,
  2) worry about what other people might be thinking of me,
  3) Use mostly submissive nonverbal behavior (including body language, vocal tonality, and environment/ proximity)
  4) and probably due to relapse focus on last month: more focus on boobs & butts of girls.
• FOCUSING ON BODY LANGUAGE TRUMPS ALL OF THIS - It's crazy! Reading and focusing on body language (by applying what I learned in the books) has so many benefits!
  1) Reading body language gives me an idea of what the other person is thinking and feeling, which in turn helps me read social cues much better.
  2) It gets me out of my head and less self-conscious - I get to take THEM in, not me.
  3) Somehow it makes me more charismatic - this is a subtle change, but you notice that people are more receptive, nervous, and smiley around you (provided you watch them with a calm smile and look away when it's been too long. You don't want to be that creeper who looks at them with a cold deadpan stare, looking all over their body)
  4) NOfap related - I get a similar high as I get from PMO, but it's focused towards ACTUAL people. It feels like I'm "going inside them." Because being completely focused on the other person makes me feel like I'm not just going inside their heads, but inside their "being," feel their emotions, their small shifts in mood, their receptiveness, and glimpse a bit of their thoughts, daily life, their past. Writing this out makes it seem unreal, but that's exactly what I experienced. That's what see and feel when I look at people through the body language focus. When it's with women, I can see their boobs, face, butt, etc., but it's more like IT'S PART OF A WHOLE. Like I can see their whole beauty, and slowly start to expand to feel her intelligence and mind as well. It's crazy. I still got a boner from watching body language of a woman, but I just let it sit there and felt the energy.
• 
  
• I love it. Each person... all of their complexities, life situations, changing thoughts and emotions. It's beautiful. They don't see it. Most of the people I see have deadpan faces, or have their foreheads scrunched up to focus on the task at hand, but there's beauty in it.

P.S. - I feel like I wrote something really gooey that I might cringe at later. But right now... as of this moment... this is really how I feel. Life is good.