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I am a woman and I fear men.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by MinaClavero, Feb 7, 2017.

  1. MinaClavero

    MinaClavero Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone, how are y'all doing?
    I want to open and tell my story about my worst fear ever. It is okay if you want to give me advice but all I want to do firstly is to open about this issue.
    Well... I am a woman, I am 17 years old, I will turn 18 on March. This is my 52th day in my rebooting process (yay!) and I've improved a lot since then.
    But, hey, I am afraid to men.
    I mean, I fear the men I'm attracted to. I don't fear boys that I don't like at all. In fact, I can be easily relaxed and spontaneous around other people (boys, girls, etc) that I don't like. It is just that... when it comes to a guy I'm attracted to, I just can't help but PANIC. And I don't mean the normal nervous state you get when you see someone you like, no, no. I get all fearful, I want to leave the place to all costs and avoid the guy, then get to a safe place where I can be myself again.
    I do not know when my fear started but I am sure I first started experiencing it when I was 13. I got my first boyfriend then, but I didn't love him nor I was in love with him. I wasn't even attracted, I just wanted someone I could be in a relationship with. I thought he was ugly. I was very nervous when I was around him and the only thing I could do, as I couldn't run away, was using a defense mechanism, which was basically being a puss. I mistreated him, was mean and made his life miserable. Although I apologized to him a few years later still I feel like a shit and I don't want to repeat that mistake never again because he was so kind, loving and unconditional to me.
    After that I had a really short romance with my cousin (yep, I know it sounds weird, but it was just a little kiss) and you cannot imagine how guilty and uncomfortable I felt after that. Not just because he was a cousin but I felt strangely uncomfortable in his presence, because I felt very attracted to him. All this to the point that I have never seen him again since then.
    As years passed, I never had a real relationship or romance, just coming and going or kissing boys I didn't know at parties. I didn't felt uncomfortable at all because the guy didn't know my name and I was never going to see him again. I liked some guys I saw often but they never talked to me so I was "safe".
    Then, when I was 16, I felt in love madly and deeply with a guy from my class, when I moved to a new school. He was bisexual but he is that kind of guy that society portraits as "gay": his clothing, his behavior, his way of talking, etc.
    We made friends. We had a group with him, me and another girl who was our mutual friend. We used to hang out together and many times we met at night at my house and had fun. One of those times, we were waiting for their parents to come pick them up and it was like 12 AM. Our girl friend felt asleep in my bed, so he and I laid in bed with her too until their parents came. And then... we cuddled. We didn't kissed, but what I felt was so deep. We hold hands and hugged and it was all so beautiful.
    Months later I decided to stop being friends with him as I was feeling jealous at that time with some non-innocent things he was doing with other girls and he was, to this point, being very toxic to me. We never talked again. Eventually, I found out that he was so in love with me as I was in love with him, only that he didn't wanted to admit it.
    Well, when I turned 17 we started talking a little more on Whatsapp and eventually we started being "friends" again. In real life I couldn't stand for him, I kinda low key hated him, so we didn't talked much in person. Then, in October of 2016, we had our prom party and we got drunk and... we kissed. We kissed passionately for like an hour.
    Some days later we talked about that and we declared how much we loved each other. At that point, my fear striked me again. I couldn't sleep well, I wasn't hungry at all and all my body went crazy. I had some panic attacks at school, in which my mother had to take me home.
    Some days after the party he came home and we watched a movie. I remember I was SO FUCKING NERVOUS the whole day. Like, I felt I was literally going to die when the time came. He came to my house, we watched a movie, cuddled and kissed but nothing more than that.
    We eventually "broke up" because we were both acting very crazy, he admitted he can't fall in love with anyone (which I know it is a lie, I know he is afraid to fall in love with someone) and maybe I got the same thing too, only that I never said that to him.
    Time went by and I met and amazing and beautiful guy that is a friend from my best friends. He is also what society could see as a gay guy, but he told me he could fall in love with any person, not only boys. We managed to become very best friends and I am more attracted to him that I was attracted to ANY person before.
    This is what happens: whenever I see him, I act like a puss. Although I do my very very best to avoid it, I am mean and say mean things. It's like my subconscious mind wants to make him walk away from me and it's horrible.
    I wish I couldn't have this fear. I love boys and I want boys to love me too without feeling like, gee, they are going to kill me or something.
     
    sean kost likes this.
  2. NickyP

    NickyP Fapstronaut

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    @MinaClavero

    I read your whole story. I can't tell if you want advice from guys or not but what you wrote is exactly the experience of millions of men and women in highschool. The nervousness, the love debate, the kissing, the uncomfortableness, the pushing and pulling between to people.

    I want to be careful not to belittle your fear of men, but it seems to me you're scared of how you're FEELING, but not physically threatened or fearful by this man or men. Yes he makes you very nervous and feel complicated feelings and that in turn makes you say things you regret.

    Complicated feelings deserve to be fleshed out. You can break them into more basic ones that way and see if fear really is part of it. Remember you control your response to emotions. You can fear the intensity of love or intimacy, or you can enjoy that crazy feeling for the rollercoaster ride is is and engage him on it. Be brave, you have nothing to fear here!

    Ladies on this forum, correct me if I'm wrong.
     
    MinaClavero likes this.
  3. In short; face your fear. The more you run, the more you'll struggle in life.
     
    MinaClavero likes this.
  4. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    We need to know a little more about what kind of 'fear' you feel. There are different sensations and different triggers.

    When you say Fear:
    - 1. Do you feel like when you drink to much coffee (kinda shaky, wound up, and a little like everything is racing)?
    - 2. Do you feel him looking at you makes you want to shrink and disappear)?
    - 3. Do you feel actual dread, like something is bad about the happen, can't breath, muscles tense, and the actual need to 'run' to escape?


    #1 is adrenaline. Its a feeling that people can feel when they are very excited about a new partner, and perhaps your sexual drive is kicking in full for saying 'NOW!'. The only fix for this is taking your time, and getting a little more experience in what to expect. (Adrenaline fades).

    #2 is insecurity. Its feeling vulnerable, and unsure of yourself, so you want to withdraw to avoid the attention. The fix for insecurity is identifying why you feel vulnerable, maybe some study and talk with someone you trust about those concerns, and spending more time to get to trusting the person that is making you feel this way (again, take your time)

    #3 is panic. (While a your sex drive kicking in can make you feel this way when mixed with feeling vulnerable, there is a chance that you feel actual panic. This can be related to some past event or Trama, maybe even serious feelings of conflict in your beliefs. It can also be a trick brain chemistry. The test here how bad is it? does it feel like if someone you trusted held your hand you could get through it, or do you feel like you are going to die if you don't get away, and the whole thought makes you want to scream and cry?

    If these things just feelings are only just uncomfortable, then taking time, and then simply making a choice to face it, and you will over come it.

    If these things feel like it's murdering you, then it's time to start a conversation with perhaps a counselor, doctor, or other trusted health worker to help you identify where it's coming from, and if some other help is required.

    No matter what you do, never do anything you don't want to do. Never allow yourself to be forced, and never force yourself if it doesn't feel right. You have time, and the decisions about your partner, should always be 'your choice' on your schedule. You are not broken if you want to wait until you are fully comfortable. (There is a chance that this is 'instinct', and that your senses were telling you to stay away for a reason. If that is the case, You should always trust that. But get curious, and talk with some people, see if this is instinct, or if you have some other concern that might need to be worked on).
     
    MinaClavero, staub and NickyP like this.
  5. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

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    Maybe the boys you like also make you feel scared because they make you feel exposed-like they can see straight through you, and really understand you?

    It's possible that you could have anxiety from past PMO use, too. If you keep doing nofap, hopefully it'll help.

    Congrats on 52 days!!! That's fantastic :)
     
    MinaClavero likes this.
  6. Paleblood

    Paleblood Fapstronaut

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    Just remember that the more you talk to someone the more comfortable you'll be around them. Also if you like a guy there's a chance he's nervous around you too. Be yourself, don't be afraid. If the feeling is not reciprocal then it wasn't worth pursuing in the first place. I think a lot of the time there's more feelings of fear in both genders than people realize.
     
    MinaClavero likes this.

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