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Really want to be honest

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Pete001, Feb 11, 2017.

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  1. Pete001

    Pete001 Fapstronaut

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    When my wife found out I had been watching porn, I thought I was being honest when I said I had been doing it for the last 2 years. My wife checked my history and turns out it was 3 years and she thinks I have been lying (more) to her. Is it normal to not remember that date you started? Had I repressed it? I don't have the best memory and find it difficult to put events into a chronological order, and I really don't want to lie to my wife anymore.
     
  2. It's kind of normal because it grew into a habit. It kind of became a ritual. If you're married it's best to just turn away from it man. It's not worth it I'm sure you have a lovely wife who loves you very much. Remember your vows don't cheat and go running to porn. Just saying. You are lucky to have a wife many guys don't you don't need porn happiness is there right in front of your face. Cherish your wife as long as you can would be my advise
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  3. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    When we do the same thing, almost ritualistically.
    We lose sight of time.
    Porn addiction is like a cloud in our mind.
     
  4. Pete001

    Pete001 Fapstronaut

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    So my wife and had a further conversation where I told her everything about my use of P. She had discovered my porn use on Christmas eve and I had told her that I wouldn't lie to her. But I did continue to tell pointless lies such as playing down the frequency and length of time I would look at P. These things didn't matter to her but the fact I was containing to lie means she will never trust me again. I almost didn't write the next bit - but I know if there is no trust, there can't be a real relationship. I am desperate to change but I don't know what to do about the compulsive lying. I am sure it is only my use of P that I lie about so if I no longer use P then I won't have to lie. I had started my 90 no P and no M on 1st Feb, but me and my wife had continued to have sex. She now say she doesn't want to have sex with me (which I completely understand) so I am starting the 90 days no P,M or O again from today. I do have the voice in my head that tells me to tell the truth ( a conscience) but I have been ignoring it. I can't continue to ignore it!
     
  5. Pete001

    Pete001 Fapstronaut

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    To correct my above post, my wife had to pretend she had seen my whole Internet history to 'trick' me into telling the whole truth. I hold no bad feeling about her tactics as she now knows everything and my continuous lies was me further abusing my wife by gaslighting her.
     
  6. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    It's a little sly to trick you into disclosing your online activity, it means she didn't turst you entirely even without knowing anything to begin with.
    But at least it's out in the open now.
    It's important however now to be treated like a criminal for your addictive habits.
    After all when we use porn we are not in complete control of our minds.
    I would suggest showing her information from sites like http://yourbrainonporn.com/

    Because it's important for her to understand your thoughts, not feel like a victim of your thoughts.
    It will help you on your journey as well as help her to be empathetic about the subject.
     
    TheLoneDanger likes this.
  7. Y
    You have obviously never been gaslighted. When a woman knows she is still being lied to she feels unsafe. To have your husband tell you bare faced lies is soul destroying regardless of the bio chemistry involved with porn addiction. Where in your literature does it explain the bio chemistry for continued lying to a spouse?
    I suggest you read up on gas lighting. It is a form of emotional abuse
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  8. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    I don't really appreciate being targeted for my post. And for the record I never said I condoned lying.
    So maybe read my post without getting the meaning jumbled.

    I know what gas lighting is, and I think it's weak minded nonsense.

    If man or woman has a partner who is addicted they shouldn't feel the victim of the partners uncontrolled choices unless it's spread to the physical world (hookers etc)
    An unbiased, almost psychiatric approach should be taken. Otherwise if you simply distrust your partner you will never trust them to stay clean. You will always doubt etc etc.
    I believe allowing yourself to get emotionally compromised is not beneficial to helping an addict overcome the addiction.
    Take everything with a pinch of salt, keep calm and carry on I say. There's too much oversentitvity in people today.

    The man or woman should just be stern and unphased to an addict. Until the addict gets clean.

    I'm not going to argue over this.

    I hear other people's opinions and take it all in, but I don't change my mind. So please don't try, if that's your reasoning.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2017
  9. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Well aren't you a delight.

    I have a blessing of bringing out people's true colours.

    You must be very helpful if you are so judgemental of addicts.

    Please save your own time and don't engage in further communication with me...it won't end well.
     
  10. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

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    I think that was brilliant move. From wife's perspective.
     
  11. Pete001

    Pete001 Fapstronaut

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    I am the husband and it was a brilliant move. It drew out the last lies that I was holding on to. I thought that by lying about the true details of my use of P it would minimise the damage. This was wrong. My wife only wanted honesty and they were pointless lies. It's too late now anyway. My wife asked me to leave our home and now wants a divorce. My inability to tell the truth has cost me my marriage, living with my children and mu home and has hurt my wife further. There is no no trust and we can't come back from that. I tried to be open with my Internet use by installing Imlock on my phone so my wife would see all of my Internet searches. I just tried to view this site and imlock blocked my access because it contains porn on the description. The report also said I had searched for sex, which I did not, but my wife thinks I have tried to view porn again. I can only think that it has flagged this on the report because the word sex is also somewhere in the description on nofap. But because there is no trust my wife does not believe me. I tried to take time to continue my recovery and give my wife full transparency but this has now cost me my marriage. The curse of the lier and the porn addict.
     
  12. Thank you. When you live with a compulsive liar sometimes you have to outmaneuver them to find out the truth. My husband aappears to be incapable of truth.

    Its the old saying 'how do you know when a liar is lying? Because their mouth is moving'.

    I have lived with lies and deceit too many years. My children deserve a stable home life. The more he lies the more crazy I feel. I Cant live like this anymore. Its not fair on me or the kids. Its emotional abuse plain and simple.

    Porn addiction I can handle. Compulsive lying and gaslighting is devastating to live with
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  13. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    That's rough...personally I think it's a little extreme so hastily dismantling your relationship on her end. Seen as she only found out recently, and you've showed transparency and cooperation to improve.

    But it is what it is, fate, destiny, if it was gonna happen it was gonna happen.

    I just hope you get to see your kids at least man.
    I hope you are ok.
     
  14. Third relapse. 9 years of lies. Nothing new. Divorce was inevitable
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  15. Pete001

    Pete001 Fapstronaut

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    If I'm honest I don't think it has sunk in yet. I know my wife won't stop me seeing our children. She is a good woman. I have to own what I have done. I caused this, not my wife. Even though what I have done could be seen as unforgivable my some, it seams the final nail in the coffin (the imlock report that incorrectly shows I have searched for sex) was not in my control and was not a choice I made.
     
  16. Bollox
     
  17. I wont keep you from the kids. I wouldnt do anything to hurt them more than you already have
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  18. How the fuck is bare faced lies transparency? There are some seriously deluded people on here. pete001 you are in good company.
     
  19. Pete001

    Pete001 Fapstronaut

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    I am fallible. I am human. I am a lyer. I am an addict. I have abused my wife my gaslighting her regarding my addiction. These are my truths and no one should have to put up with a life of that. I am sorry and I will always love you even though my love has hurt you.
     
  20. Is love rejecting a woman for sex daily? Is love refusing to cuddle her? Is love kissing her with pursed lips and turning away when she talks to you? Is love lies? Is love infidelity? Is love disregarding someones mental health and abusing them?

    The answer is yes. That is your love and I dont fucking want it anymore
     
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