When the visual world outside becomes a permanent agression

Rebooting (on a lifelong plan to keep the P at bay, I mean) slowly makes us stronger to resist the urges that our own habits have created, mainly by changing the neural pathways that used to connect various stimuli to a well-know and often overused habit of PMO. In a way, we're getting armored against the appeal that P used to have on us.

Now, the developped/industialized/decadent civilizations we live in (and some other places that think they just want that fate for themselves too) is overcraowded with sexually charged imagery, whether your attraction is for male or female. (It's a bit of a stretch because I can mainly speak for my male feeling towards female imagery, which I think is the most present and obvious and overused, but the opposite may be true also, to a point, I just don't perceive it because of my sexual orientation.) All these images carry strong provocative gestures, sexual intensity, downright nudity, even a mix of those. Can't evade, they're fucking everywhere, be it for selling a car or a lightbulb. I remember being sort of unfazed by these, not even noticing what the plain reality of a triggering imagery being used to sell or show something that was utterly out of context. Somehow, now it's getting a little more difficult to face these.

A couple of hours ago I stumbled upon a video, extremely triggering, which was intended as an internet joke for a comedy website promotion on my facebook feed. I watched every second of it, feeling the arousal grow rapidly. Then I closed the phone and went on my daily business. Since then that clip keeps popping in my head with a "WATCH ME AGAIN !" post to it.

A year ago, I would've perceived it with a blasé look (because it would've been so "few" compared to the P I was feeding my empty soul with all night long) and it would've triggered an urge to watch P, and with no effort to fight it I know where this would've led. Not today. There's no relapsing to that. Still I find myself relieved that bedtime is here, so that the images could slip out of my head, hopefully.

How do you learn to cope with these daily agressions? Does the same effort that you use to tame your urges work, when faced with this kind of case? Do you think it's a side effect of my starved sexual mind trying to feed on softer and softer content? (To which point could that go exactly... Boners by looking at someone's face whithout any fantasy or dirty thought at all?!) Does it have to do with a re-sensitization towards all these images that were simply invisible as long as I drowned in hardcore P, just like the most delicate honey would taste nothing if you just have a tablespoon of Nutella or something else that's saturated in sugars?

I'm a bit at a loss here. I won't relapse, that I take care of. Just very curious about this process that seem to be hapenning more and more. You guys probably have experienced it in one form or the other?

Cheers

 

Thanks for your clear and generous reply. This is so much what I wish I could live by, these days. It's great to read a strong natural reminder that sexual attraction to be something that was, is and will always be there, everywhere, and that it's the means of usage that one must be aware of, in order not to fall in the traps laid nearby.

When you talk about being able to notice and handle the beauty that's around us "naturally", it makes me recognize that I still have this deeply rooted sense that sexualization (in general) is something wrong or dangerous, that one needs to be hidden to contemplate or talk about. And that's a burden on the path. I guess it would make sense to link that to excessive P use (which we all pretty much did hidden, fearful of being discovered, shameful to feel locked in this state etc) that has been one's main sexual activity for decades, wouldn't it? So in a way, I should be on the right path, there's just a ton of rubble left by crumbling idols here and there.

Acknowledging attraction where I find it is something that has started with the very first attempts to get rid of P about 400 days ago. It surely was a change for me, as P idols have changed my perception of the real world and the people that live in it. Many relapses later, it kind of scares me still to stumble upon a very attractive woman, I fear being triggered and not being able to handle my thoughts which would start pumping X-rated imagery instead of witnessing/dealing with what's real.

I guess it's still hard for a recovering lifelong addict like me to acknowledge that our desires were shaped for us, our standards sets for us, and that this is deeply rooted in our interactions with the world. And that it will show up and need to be batteld everytime it does, until it's so faint it can be brushed with the back of our hands. To try and get broader perspective, I often try to compare with recovering alcoholics, which must be living through hell everyday while looking at the most harmless movie and suddenly a character pours their favourite drink : oh the rush of painful thoughts and emotions. We can't hide from trapped sexual imagery, they can't hide from alcohol being consumed in front of them. So there's one way to go only, and that's learning to handle these intrusions, these dangers that are dangers only to us, and continue living and getting better, towards a life we want for ourselves.

"One cannot not-live, after all." said Franz Kafka.

Thanks again for the help you brought me today.