PMO(My 'girlfriend' for 5 years)

Hey, I decided to join Nofap because I realized my addiction to pornography. I know I'm addicted because I'm also an addict to drugs (I can spot the signs). Luckily I'm a year and almost 3 months clean and sober(this is important for part of my backup). The first time I masturbated was by accident, I'm not joking about that. I started PMO around 17 years of age, twice a week at first. Anyway, after I felt that pleasure for the first time, I started trying to get playboy magazines or anything that had a naked chick in it. I had a girlfriend before any of this started by the way, but after she broke up with me for whatever reasons (I never asked her why) I sort of fell into a depression. I went from a really hyper kid to a kid who rarely talked 5 sentences a day.
Around 18 I started doing drugs to uplift myself from my depression, I went to a Dr and he diagnosed me with Major Depression. I rarely talked and since the first girl I ever truly loved broke up with me I thought I sucked with women(I was 14, dumb as hell). High school was a bitch. I wasn't too afraid of women, but the really hot chicks got my blood pumping (if you know what I mean) because that's all I saw in magazines or in porn. I only watched porn with girls so hot, and 10/10 on the scale. The usual nice butt, nice face, nice legs, nice waist, nice breasts, well you see what I mean, if not, well I was addicted to it (porn). Thanks to that by 18 I now had a standard of how 'MY' women should be. Well here's high school and I had about 3 friends (all males) I still said 1 or 2 sentences to any girl I ever talked to, and if she was cute or hot and into me I usually ignored them because I was freaking depressed all the time. I never went to prom and I changed schools because I hated all the predominant stuck-up rich kids that were in that school.
The new school I ended up had some old friends I knew, but like me they had changed with time and they soon forgot about me. I usually drank liquor to numb my depression, and I felt such a bliss that it was comparable to PMO but it lasted longer. It's crazy I drank all throughout this year just to get the balls to talk to anyone, but I usually drank to chat with the girls. At this time my PMO varied, my favorite pornstars face in my mind was replaced with the girl I liked (damn I realize now that I was loosing it.) I even MO'd in school a couple of times, I was so horny every day multiple times a day (I know its normal) but I still couldnt talk to women while sober.
Around when I was 18 and a half I would do PMO about once a day for a year, I had just a couple of "friends" when I had weed or liquor. I ended up dropping out because of my depression and went to college to finish getting my highschool diploma. I'm currently enrolled in getting my bachelors in agriculture, but I still rarely talk to women, I'm getting better because I have a clearer conscious now that ive been clean and sober so long. While I was 19-23 I constanlty did PMO on a daily basis. After a while when I was so horny and in the moment of PMO, after the orgasm I started feeling a sense of guilt and it was like god was watching me from up above and I could feel his Disappointment bearing down on my soul (I was raised catholic, but turned Christian).
It's just like the time I was heavily into alcohol, I thought I needed PMO just to function every day (that freaking fix man). And every time I did PMO that same feeling always came bearing down on my soul. After I did PMO so much my penis started to hurt, and even after that I still did it when it hurt. I had to have that fix, to this day I haven't had a girlfriend for over 7 years(does that truly matter to me now?). Remember I had a girlfriend before I even did PMO. I never had sex with her, but there were a couple of girls I could have had sex with but I always had that feeling of God watching over my shoulder, but this was different it was like he was telling me not to have sex ("My religion"). Tinder was becoming popular and people told me about it but I never used that (maybe my "religion" I guess), even though I thought about it once.
I'm 23 now and I'm trying NoFap and I'm 31 days clean and sober today from PMO. I know I have to go for about 90 days, but I notice I do want to talk to women more, but my depression holds me back a little. It's just one problem over the other, but I would be lying if I said things haven't gotten better. Maybe this 90-day challenge isn't such a bad idea because my experience with being clean and sober cleared my mind on so many areas of my life. I recently read an article about porn that said PMO makes a person feel like an "observer" and the person is socially anxious around women(That rang true to me, but actually in my case that could have been my depression too)maybe that's what happened to me, and it could be why I think I'm not great with women.
Any way the first couple of weeks are hard, I started on 12/29/16 but relapsed after 13 days, the impulse to see a woman naked overrides everything I hold true to me. Now that I've been clean for 31days I feel lit's its a championship belt around my waist, just like another belt ive had on for 1 year and 3 months; sobriety. I could never let that time go down the drain in one impulse of getting high or drunk, no way im in the ring with porn addiction and drug addiction, I ain't backing down now. That's why im going for a year of NoFAP, I already have experience of breaking bad habits.
You Guys who truly want to better your life dont be afraid to try this, also be aware of that famous "But masturbation is normal" yeah its normal to have sexual lust(in my case marriage), yeah it helps protect against cancer, but when you feel bad about it after you do it every single time, that's a sign to stop. It's hard to stop that cycle of "ok im horny" xvideo, favorite Pornstars, masturbate, orgasm, and feel depressed as thinking "tomorrow I'll stop" just to do the same thing the next day.
This is truly an addiction, you guys can do what I did, just commit yourself. I'll post again whenever I feel something inspiring for you dudes, if not then in 30 more days thanks for reading. CLEANPLATE

 

Hey guys thanks for giving up your time just to read this.
Well, what works for me is I threw away any magazines I had, I avoid going to porn websites because I used to tell myself "I'm just getting on to learn some new sex positions" or "I just want to see this hot chick" but most of the times it ended in masturbating and orgasm (hence PMO, right!). My will is what also keeps me from relapsing, here's what I mean, whenever I'm so close to the edge I do everything in my power to "try" to not let the urge override me to jump into that ecstasy ( It's not easy at all). Remember no one's forcing you to jump in, it's all your decision to step in or step back(It's Hard as hell when you're in that moment isn't it). Also, remember how I said that after I PMO'd I always felt horrible and I thought that "Gods disappointment" was crushing my soul. Well that's one of the Convictions that also motivates me to stop PMO (for the people who don't have/believe in a higher power, just find your own Conviction and don't budge from it whatsoever.)
And remember this is what works for me, I'll be looking around on here for other methods of preventing relapse.

 

Addictive personality, Thanks. It's usually the first 2 weeks that are the hardest. We'll help each other succeed no doubt brother.

 

Thanks D.J. I'll make sure to try one of these!