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Me, here? I can hardly believe it myself...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by staub, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    So, I'm in quite the predicament and I am really unsure what to do.
    This might be one of the threads that I answer myself while writing it ... Let's see.

    Shortly before nofap I signed up to an online dating platform and recently I've been writing a lot with someone. We don't share much Interessts but from character and personality it's a great match.
    Now, I'm totally inexperienced with women. Some dating more than 10 years ago but nothing more serious than some kissing/cuddleing. Also, that did not end well and also started the spiral that ultimately got me here.
    Now, what bothers me is partially looks (not bad, but not great) and the lack of interests.

    I know I'm probably not a catch myself. (But my mom thinks I'm handsome!)
    But serously, I don't consider myself bad-looking. But I know and fully well realize that me being overweight is a huge factor/turnoff. She know's a picture of me so part of me says at least she's giving me a chance. Am I to superficial here?

    Thanks for your advice.
     
    LoyalKnight likes this.
  2. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Hey m_brando,
    thanks for your reply. :)

    Since I signed up to the online dating I tried to be as picky as possible myself in the first place.
    The idea was to find one that really fits. The pictures on the site are also blurred until you decide to show them so it's really all about the profile and their questions at first.
    I was thinking about it last night and came to the same realization, there's no harm in going on a date (or rather, at first asking her out to begin with, lol. totally ahead of myself)

    About my weight, I am working on it! :D
    Already down almost 5kg (10 pounds). There's still a lot to go but that'll follow.
     
    m_brando likes this.
  3. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Well, I asked her to meet up for some coffee and a walk.
    Now comes the waiting.
     
  4. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    So, this is kind of incredible.
    I have no idea wether this is anything with nofap or not but, after close to two months of no pmo I got my first date in years (literally, I was almost a decade!)
     
  5. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    May very well be. My experience in dating is that it happens when I relax and allow myself to try with without feeling compelled. NoFap can allow a bit more drive to surge, giving you the energy to 'just click the button'.

    Not that I have had many girlfriends, but they all 'just happened'. I was in a place, at a time, and willing to talk, and they talked back. Forcing anything more broke that formula.
     
  6. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    So reviving this with an update and a need to puke out my innards.

    So my date had to be moved to thursday since she got a shift to work. So far nothing to bad.
    However, I don't know why, I'm suddenly totally freaking out about myself.
    I was quite confident and all but now suddenly all the insecurities and self-doubt hit me like a truck.

    Like stage fright but still days ahead. God damn it. >.<
    Going to bed, maybe I'm just tired.
     
    Michael Svensson likes this.
  7. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    We are born to fail thats how we achieve greatness. I see how you might not feel that comforting but the truth is we grow from our failures much more than from our success. Dont think about it you cant imagne what it would be like anyway since you dont have the experiance, then you brain can sometime go haywire due to the fact that you cant conceptualize the future date. It can be triggered by change of plans. What you should think about is that she is probably experiancing the same thing as you. Be open about your pre date experiance and try to use it to connect with her. Goodluck do your best and learn as much as you can.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
  8. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Hey Michael, you're right with that.
    I finished reading my book yesterday (Models) which also went into this topic. So, good to hear. :)
    And yeah, you're probably right that she's in a similar situation. We're both rather "introvert" people so that might me closer to the truth than I'd thought.
     
  9. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    So, me again. Date is still tommorow and I came to terms with that.
    However, something else got me thinking. (Not worried, just curious)

    Small background info, I know her from a dating site ( a serious one)
    We've been chatting on whatsapp and phone for a bit and yesterday she asked me if I was talking to other girls there.
    Truthfully I answered that I was not. I thought about it but I want to see how the first date goes.
    She then said, which I quote as close as possible,
    "Okay, very good." Followed by that she's been talking to someone else and can't decide between the two. (She talked about me in third person)
    Now, that does not really disturb me but still I'm curious as to why she would say that. Or, wether it would be too sensitive of me to think something of it or if this could be a (maybe bad) sign that I'd have to look out for.

    As said before, I'm not experienced with dating. Not even a little bit.
    This just strikes me as an odd thing to do.
    Any oppinions?
     
  10. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    Your overthinking this, I think. Go on the date free of bias and be in the moment. Be present, be aware and reflect afterwards.
     
  11. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, thought so. Just thought it was odd. :)
    Thanks for the quick reply!
     
  12. skeptical

    skeptical Fapstronaut

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    Try to find interest in what she says and not try to make it a shallow conversation, women love to talk and if you try your best to get her talking about the things she loves and she sees that you actually listen and is interested in what she says, things can go smooth :)

    goodluck
     
  13. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Haha, sceptical, that's the name of my game :D *cries in unconfident single*.
    Nah but seriously. Thanks for your advice. I'll try my best!
    Still working on the whole thing to talk in a way that a conversation keeps going.
     
    skeptical likes this.
  14. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    It's important to never 'force' yourself to have conversation.

    While being excited is normal, try to clear your mind, and try to dial back any expectations. When you date online, there is a common trap where you start to build a mental image of who the person is on the other side. Its dangerous because you let your wants to sneak in, and then no real person can match it. So yes, be excited, but don't be excited because you think she is going to be so beautiful, awesome, and interesting.

    Next, conversation should just flow. However it is helpful to have conversation starters. Only do these things if you are actually interested. It's important to not be fake. If you haven't already, you can ask about her interests, where she is from, etc. Even if you have, you can bring up questions about some of the things you've discussed. ("I was curious why you decided to study X....." or "When you said X, I didn't really get that"). It's also fine to show that you are nervous, and to even talk with her about it (chances are she was feeling tense too). ("I have to admit that I was feeling rather wound tight coming to meet you"). Finally, some recent events or areas of interest may be helpful. Many aren't political, and few pay attention to the news. But if you know you have a common interests, or something she has been interested in, you can ask 'did you see that thing on facebook about....'. (Another one, "I don't understand X, but I though it was X, is that right?".)

    Again, it's important to not force conversation. It's also important to be true to why you are there, and honest in your talking with her. (Why you are there, and she is there, is to size each other up, and get a feel for it). To that goal, it's perfectly acceptable to ask 'tactfully' questions to see who she is, and it is acceptable for her to do the same. Just answer what you can as honest as you can, but realize that you don't 'owe' each other anything. She doesn't owe you an answer, and you don't have to admit anything that you feel vulnerable about. (Don't lie, but you don't have to bare your soul either).

    It gets easier with practice, but walking in cold to talk with a new date is always a random situation. Just have to have confidence in yourself, and treat it as 'no matter the outcome, it's practice and experience that will bring me to where I do want to go')
     
  15. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Ah very good advice hidden in between, thanks!
    I've recently finished "models" by marc manson, he also said a lot of that stuff. Also the part about just being honest. :)
    The conversation starters is a good idea.

    It's not a fully blind date like, for example tinder. We talked a bit, saw pictures and even talk over the phone before, so the first layer of ice has been broken already.
    That is, however, not in person, so I'll see tommorow.

    But thanks for the encouraging words. :)
    I'll post an update once I can say something fpr sure.
     
  16. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Ah I promised an update, but I can't tell a happy end. Just an end.
    I've met her and although she was very nice, something was missing.
    I think it was not only me (partially maybe, being inexperienced with dating and stuff) but I did not feel what would be necessary to build upon.
    So, we were no match.
    The search continues.
     
    HopefulChristian likes this.
  17. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    So you had 0 chemistry?
     
  18. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. So all the worries for naught :D
     
    PostiveChange1974 likes this.
  19. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    I hope that helps for the next date your having soon!
     
  20. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    I applaud you. You've dealt with this in the best possible manner. It reflects very well on you.

    First, you shouldn't question yourself, "when you don't feel it". (You didn't!) You should trust your instinct, and not be so desperate that you would cling to any possibility that came your way. (Again, you didn't! That reflects alot about the value you have in your own worth.)

    Next, you shouldn't get frustrated and feel defeated, with talk "Never will I find love, I'm doomed". (Again, you didn't. This means you are open to new possibilites as they come, and feel comfortable with continuing to search)

    You probably don't need me to validate you, but I salute you. You've done well.
     

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