I want my mind back!

If your bf has been actively looking for (and possibly engaging in?) in-person sexual encounters, he's got a pretty hefty problem that needs to be addressed by him, in order for him to begin to recover. You also will want to do some self-examination and to make sure you don't have possible issues of your own that may make you co-dependent or attracted to people who aren't emotionally available. It's very common for someone who has their own self-esteem or intimacy issues to seek out mates who have emotional or intimacy issues as a way to keep from getting "too close". Rather than risk someone getting to know they in a true and intimate way, they get into relationships with people who have emotional voids, or who they know will not be around for the long-term.

You can absolutely help yourself, and you can encourage your bf to read up at yourbrainonporn.com and on this site. Ultimately you cannot completely help him - he can only do that on his own. But you can help yourself, and you've made a good choice to begin by posting here. Please continue to post and update any progress, thoughts, struggles and successes.

Welcome to the site and best of luck!

 

He's got to be doing more than saying it. I was similar to him, and I really did want to stop. I wanted to stop so badly. Things had to get as bad as possible for me to actually stop. Has he been on here? If I'd found this earlier, and started with my wife's knowledge and support...

 

The biggest thing, I think, is you need to see him taking clear action to fix the problem, and understand and learn about what it is, and what it means, and how to heal. If he doesn't need to actually block porn sites and stuff (i.e. he is able to avoid them without special software) then there is a program I have called Accountable2You that just tracks and reports activity. The tracking is only about $5/mo, and it works on iOS, Android, MacOS and Windows. It can track all his devices, and send email alerts to accountability partners, and you can log on and view the last 15 days of reports any time. I don't find it interferes with the operation of my devices at all.

 

Welcome to the fourm. I'm sorry you had to discover your husband's secret side. You are entirely justified in feeling the way you do. Discovering a sex addiction is as traumatic as discovering infidelity or an affair. It is, plain and simple, a major betrayal. It destroys love and trust and blows up the foundation of any relationship. To be clear... this problem is HIS problem... you did not cause the problem... you are not in any way responsible for making it worse... nor is there anything you can do to 'satisfy' his desires.

Addicts are very much Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. There are things that are lovable, but there is also the hidden addict side that is capable of doing the most despicable things. Addicts use objects/events/images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative emotions and feelings. People can turn to sex, porn, fantasy, gambling, eating, drugs, shopping, or alcohol to change their state of mind. It is a coping mechanism that gives the illusion of comfort. The illness is that the addict knows they aren't happy, but instead of turning to true sources of comfort, they turn more deeply into their addiction. Addicts never goes away or stays static... a tolerance builds up so the addict needs to turn to it more frequently or more intense forms of it in order to get the same 'medicated' feeling.

Confronting him was a good first step. But if the only thing he gave you was a bunch of empty promises to fix things on his own and in secret then the truth is that the problem is going to fester and get worse. In order for him to get better and for your relationship to heal, he needs to take concrete steps towards getting help. An addict is only interested in protecting and nurturing the addiction. He needs to understand that this is not just a dirty little secret that he can keep hidden in his closet and naively think it will not affect every other part of his life. We can give you support, advice, and information about addiction and how to heal a relationship with someone who is actively seeking help. We can also help him with suggestions, knowledge, and strategies to help him achieve recovery. The first and most critical step is to have him acknowledge the seriousness of his problem and that you will not allow the status quo to exist any longer. Recovery for all parties involved is possible.

 

I think it was ten years ago that I heard this poem at a meditation retreat, it's The Journey by Mary Oliver. Since codependency is so often an element, I find this really speaks to it. I don't post it to imply you should do one thing or another, but it's about reclaiming your mind and your own heart I guess, knowing where you stand and be in your truth. I hope it helps to get some clarity for you.

 

Honestly... you're one year into a relationship that is built on lies and secrecy... if a loved one came to me with this scenario, my advice would be GTFO ASAP. And I would hope someone who loved me would give me the same advice

 

Yuck! Girl, get out! Awakening is what you are going through right now and it always hurts. Please, trust me. Awakening always brakes your ego's false attachments in order to put your heart back together filled up with self love and trust for the Devine. Awakening is letting go of control... and allowing the universe to hold you when you are facing to your deepest fears.... The only thing that is keeping you in that relationship is your fear of being alone and not loved.

I did what you are doing 7 years ago. I ignored the warning signs that were so up my face and choose to believe a fairy tail of love and happiness only to end up with total life destruction and PTSD 3 years later.

Let's be frank, most addicts will always put their addiction before you. They are incapable of love because internaly they feel very unwell due to lack of self regulation skills and them being disconnected from their inner child. I am one so I know that every single addict uses people not to feel their pain, whether they know they are doing it or not. In addition, it always takes a special type of a person to be with and addict .... one whose concept of love is confused because of their hx of abuse or neglect, one who is scared to be alone: mainly codependant, other addicts, narcistic types, those who are depressed, anxcious, those with abandonment issues or people who lack self worth.

Do you think you love him even though he cheats on you left right and centre.... will you still love him when you get HIV or syphilis?

I know your heart is in it..... but this is how every addiction works.....our fear of the alternative is too overpowering to even comprehend leaving or stopping and it keep us in "it" even though we are suffering greatly and killing ourselves and our future. We do not see anything else existing but our object of " love".... Please think about what you are terrified about and maybe consider the possibility of facing up to your fears in the future. What would it mean to you if he did not love you and you need to be alone? What would it mean if he continues to swing behing your back for ever? He uses his addiction as an excuse to carry on using without showing any desire to give anything up but.... you ... if it happens again.

This is what recovery is all about. It starts with our wilingness to see our reality no matter how painful it is. Do you know why addicts seldom succed at recovering? Because they never face their deepest fears.

Do not be scared to see the truth, that is all you have to do to start awakening. You have to look at the truth even if it is scary. Your soul knows what is good for you and it is shouting it at you all the time but you are to scared to even consider listening to it. But not to worry, if you do not listen to it then life will push you straight into your worst nightmare sooner or later and then you will have no choice but to face up or for ever continue running away living in constant pain and fear. This is what happened to me.

But if you take this chance and allow yourself to see your truth, you start being guided through to the other side. And let me tell you, life on the other side of your fear is amaizing. As I am walking along my own jouney it is just becoming better and better and so many openings are happening for me. Everything is changing for more beutiful, meaningful, for connections and for vitality. So allow yourself to see.

 

Amen!

 

this easy little exercise should help you get back to painting and feeling better.
http://antidoteforall.com/

 

I understand completely!! I am obsessed with him and his stupid phone, laptop etc! I can't focus at work, I feel like shit about myself and worst of all I'm sexually frustrated because he wastes it all on porn. I will say that my SO used hookers as well which was devastating. When I caught him I wanted to die. He gave me HPV... I'm 28 never had anything and him whoring around gave me HPV! I have to have a biopsy of my cervix and do all this testing ugh sometimes I wish I could just leave him but as someone pointed out on my post I'm terribly co dependent and I love him so I'm a wreck and he's happily jerking off to crack whore porn.

 

Love this poem!! So beautifully said...it speaks to my heart ❤❤❤

 

I'm so sorry that your hurting....I know exactly how you feel. Have hope. If you love him and believe in him than fight for your relationship but not at the cost of your own beautiful spirit; I have allowed this and it's destroying all that God helped me build inside myself. He needs to be honest and real and get the help he needs. It's been almost 3 years with my guy and I've just finally told him I can't take anymore; he needs to start showing a real honest effort to heal and change or I'm gone, so it forced him to join NoFap and he loves it. He also has his faith in Jesus and I've bought him some books on addiction and healing. But the rest is on him; I can't be his saviour. Fight for you!! We are all here with you. You are not alone ❤

 

Please please please use condoms until you decide to leave or he gets his shit together. HPV causes cancer, HSV is for life, and HIV/AIDS is not over. I understand denial, but please don't be in denial about the risk of contracting viruses than can threaten your life.