There and back again

Hey guys, pretty new user here but have been visiting the site more and more lately.
I'm 23 now and the area of my life where I have been the most consistent in is porn. Since I was about 16/17 years old I started actively watching porn and the amount/intensity of it peaked between 18-20. Naturally I have always been a pretty social person, but I always kept people at a certain distance. Because what if they would really find out who I was and what I was doing? In the period where you make the most connections and find out what it is to be social, I never expressed myself or wanted to be seen because I was afraid of what others would see. Also because I spent so much time on it, I didn't really develop any other interests (to a deep level) which creates an additional barrier to socializing and just being cool with wh you are. If you spend a big portion of your free time doing something you can't really talk about.. Then (in my case) I was always focused on other people's stories, because I didn't want to share mine.

I'm quite a handsome fellow and I have always gotten a lot of attention from women. People wouldn't understand why I was single or why I wasn't as involved with the ladies as I could be. I've had a couple of sexual encounters but I never felt as connected and it didn't quite feel right. Lately though the interaction and attraction is going better, just currently not that experienced and my last encounter I had some DE/PE i'd say. That is also the main thing stopping me from seducing girls more often, because my main issue is now that DE/PE will happen.

I have always believed that I could achieve anything I set my mind to.. But for the past year I have not been able to stop this one destructive habit. Like many of you, it then was pretty hard for me to admit to myself that I indeed was addicted to porn. However, I feel that overall I am on the winning side of the battle. My highest record was 14 days prior to finding NOFap and I already felt so much different and more free during that period. I've had streaks of days anywhere ranging from 3-10 over the past year and sometimes I would PMO once, leave it alone for a couple of days and then return. So over time, I have continued the practice, just a lot less. The current streak is now 6 days no porn, I have masturbated twice but there was no fantasy or mental imagery and I was completely in the moment enjoying myself and the whole experience was quite a mini-breakthough for me tbh. I felt refreshed and alive and I could only imagine how that must be when you share THAT with another.

The reason I kinda snapped, signed up and wrote this entire piece is because there is carnaval going on here and I felt a pang in my heart. I felt really alone and sad and also cried a bit. I never (allowed) myself to feel that because all those years of porn just kinda made me numb. Same reason I never did Yoga consistently for a long period of time, it really makes me feel alive again and now I know, that how I really feel isn't fun at all.
I regret spending so little time with my friends during highschool, therefore being less connected with them and the lost potential of that period. I'm pissed for all of the opportunities missed because I was afraid to show myself because I didn't want people to find out. What I hate the most is that after all this time, after all these experiences and (recently more and more) I still have not fixed this issue in my life. And I find it sad having to turn to other for help, but im currently at the point where I am willing to do whatever it takes. It really is the only challenge in my life, and I feel that overcoming this will be one of the most learning experiences in my life.

Sorry for this post, I really didn't mean to make it this long. Just writing it all really made some things come out.

 

Thanks, I noticed that as well. Also in my own-self reflection during one of my study courses I stated that it was easy for me to help others. Asking help however.. is something that I still find difficult but am gradually finding easier.

To be honest, i'm not sure I really have any consistent strategies. Right now my main strategy is to cut off the proces at the start. At school or work PMO'ing never crosses my mind, only when I am alone. So whenever the "thought trap" arrives that a few picture couldn't hurt I instantly stop what i'm doing and poke holes into that theory (based on evidence from the past). I'm also going to be less inwardly focused. A week from now I start my internship and combined with work and starting to workout again, I won't be by myself as much and i'll have a lot of things to focus on. Not having anything better to do was my quickest way to PMO. I'm also going out more and inviting people to my place as well. This Wednesday a girl is sleeping over at my place and we're probably going to get it on. I still fear ED/DE a bit, but I am willing to go through that fear now if it means winning it long-term.

I've also been noticing people around me a lot more (especially women my age) and also feeling the attraction and being more curious about people in general, whenever (in the past 6 days) PMO'ing has come up, i ask myself: would I rather be attracted and enticed by all the real women in my neighborhood or to a virtual screen. I reinforce this by consciously enjoying and appreciating it whenever someone grabs my attention.

Question: Would it first be smarter to have no PMO or sex during a reboot or should I try to create and reinforce healthy sexual habits from the start?

 

Thanks for the link! I actually already read it before you posted it.. Great content!
Well I will keep that into consideration. If I notice any kind of progress Wednesday, i'll continue along that path. Although my last two M-sessions have been completely different and eye-opening experiences, I believe it is best to abstain from that as well for the upcoming time.

Thanks again for all of the reply's. You've really made me feel welcome!

 

Here is my journal! https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...urself-can-already-make-the-difference.92440/