Always pleasing others, overly sincere, easily influnced

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by yellow flowers, Mar 3, 2017.

  1. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, I've already started the 90 days hard-mode challenge and yes I did fap after 30 days and have restarted the challange.

    One of the things that has always bothered me is my habit of pleasing others. I don't say NO even when I am not willing to do a particular thing or even things which make me feel uncomfortable I cant say loud to someone to stop it.

    In a debate I just agree with whatever someone is telling hardly showing signs of disagreement. I'm not able to stand for what I feel is right. I am not able to defend the 'truth'. And its as old as my PM addiction say 12+ years. There is always this sense of what others would feel or perceive when i disagree with them.

    Second is my over sincere nature. Whenever someone asks me to do a thing I just do it without fail before schedule even when it comes at the cost of my comfort and my mood of not doing it. I barely find someone reciprocating the same to me, be it my family or my friends.

    Third is my feeble nature of being influenced by others. When I see someone smart in terms of looks a guy or a girl, there is an immediate self-devaluation and feeling of inferiority complex and I feel I am no better than them.

    I've started working on all three above and will appreciate if you guys can chip in with your suggestions on the same.
     
  2. ya-dam

    ya-dam Fapstronaut

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    Some other guy had posted this book on a thread just a while back
    https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
    It's a good read. And i agree of what Robert says, he tells you to stop caring about other people and only focus on yourself for a bit. I am currently trying it out, and i suggest you do too
     
    yellow flowers likes this.
  3. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing will have a look
     
  4. These questions helped me to notice which needs were behind the things you wrote when was experiencing them:

    Are you afraid of loosing people? Afraid to be alone? Why?
    Who told you to not get angry?
    Did you live something that taught you cannot defend yourself when someone invades your limits?
    Have you notice all the beauty inside yourself? Or you're focused only on what others have/are that you forget to see yourself?

    Just answer to yourself brother, I hope it helps. Tenderly, your friend. Send you a hugh, have a great day :)
     
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  5. Oh god, you sound like me lol.

    Except..... About 6 months ago I had to go to hospital out of stress with TAFE (Australian community college)..... I was dropping out of the course and truly believed I was deteriorating to nothing... The psych sat down and patiently listened to all my problems and how I felt like my mind was unraveling, then, with a smug smile on his face, he was like.... "Yeah, I think you're no crazier, anxious or depressed than anyone else!"

    He shocked me, but then we did just 5 follow-up sessions, each time he taught me about personality types, how they view themselves, others and the world and their basic behaviors as a result. I kept on referring to myself as kind and sincere, then he eventually confronted me with, "No you're not, you're an asshole." (His delivery was snake oil salesman smooth too by the way)...

    He taught me that we're all assholes. Then that my attempts to view myself as benevolently kind and sometimes martyr-like were actually forms of manipulation to milk sympathy. I thought I'd be horrified, but I actually kinda felt satisfied that I'd been 'called' on it... i still don't entirely believe what he said was true, but it at least played on a fear of mie that this may have been true.

    So, since then, I played on my right to be an 'Asshole' instead of a 'Victim' when decision-making. I quit my anti-depressant, went back to TAFE and finished my diploma, then quit video-games, asked out the girl I liked for 2 years, but was too scared to until now, had a beautiful evening with her (Wanted to date her properly, but she just wanted re-bound sex goddammit!), then when she changed her mind I was like "Holy, shit! This sucks, buuuut, she just showed me I can reel in the hot ones, OMG, I can get the HOTNESS! Time to work on me for once and say F.U. to anyone who gets in my way!" Then, because I'm an 'asshole', I told her the next day that I was happy and that everything was fine and I was happy to be her friend and she seemed down? Tables turned I don't know.... It's like a body armor against sadness I guess, when we accept our lesser selves.

    My advice is this! You're an asshole! You are a selfish and manipulative, but creative and interesting human being. You have the right to be selfish and mischievous and angry and sad and passionate all at once. You can want a person out of lust or love or both and you can sometimes JUST use people. We all do these things, sometimes aware, sometimes unawares, however, people such as you and I can shy away too much.

    In relation to this girl, the truth is, nobody knows what the hell is going through her head. She could have been threatened at gunpoint to leave you for all we know, or have tried dating you on the re-bound. You know, both of those examples warrant pity from you actually. Girls who jump around like that do so because they've been badly hurt and they don't know how to cope except through jumping around and getting hurt again... Pity her and you will be free. She may have weird, girl feelings that are completely alien to us males about why she stopped seeing you.... But there's one person you do know..... You... And let's face it, you can change yourself more easily than you can change her. What you want to do, without completely stripping away your morals is get angry! Be the asshole! Get out there and scruff up someones tidy hairdoo, or jump in the ocean with your clothes on or take advantage of a pretty woman's offer of sex, because damn-it, you're an asshole!

    I'm 27 now... This crazy-positive and maybe a little provocative me used to only exist years and years ago. I kid you not, the way i'm typing is the way i'm sounding IRL now.... My friends are shocked.... I thought he was dead.... Tell me if you had some crazy version of yourself once upon a time?

    I hope this helped rather than offend you.... If it offended, I'm sorry, genuinely.... If it helped, I'll probably reply again...
     
  6. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Helper's syndrome.

    It is a conflict between your own wishes and the wishes of another person.
    And the wishes of the other person win.

    Two things you can do:

    a) learn to focus on your own goals and wishes, and hold them really high. Like a lodestar. Focus on them every single day, get a very clear perceiption of your own goals.

    Get a really crystal-sharp image of your wishes. Repeat to get an image at least once per day. Make this a daily routine.


    b) learn to say no. Learn to demand and tell a PRICE. Learn to delegate. You can learn this only by experience.
    Next time, jump over your shadow and do it.
     
  7. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Super sweet nice guys are actually assholes in disguise, especially when they expect something back.
     
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  8. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    Feels warm on reading your post :)
     
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  9. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your valuable feedback..
     
  10. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    I've started saying no and dis-agreeing :)

    I did it today when my flat-mate asked to buy something which was not required at all. Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa :)
     
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  11. :) I'm glad to know it. We're in this together bro! Congratulations for your new achievement! Limits are healthy ;)

    We'll keep in touch
     
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  12. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    @yellow flowers
    "Asshole" is too harsh, but I agree that "nice guys" are in fact holding back their emotions, are unable to express them, are unable to demand.

    Behind this behaviour is fear of rejection. Fear of not being taken seriously.

    That's why there is a tendency to PMO and go to prostitutes - because with porn and prostitutes, you have no risk of being rejected ;)
     
  13. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    In truth, it is not too harsh at all.

    You see at least the arrogant asshole, is honest and straight up about his intentions. And we all moan about how the asshole always gets the girl. A girl sees this and knows somewhat what she is getting into.

    Now the 'super sweet nice guy' has believe it or not, the exact same intentions of the asshole, they wanna get in her panties too, but the way they go about it is by being nice, complimenting and never really challenging her... Basically, by being a lying deceptive asshole (which girls can smell a mile off)

    When things don't go to plan, as is 100% of the case, that's when their little passive aggressive tantrums come out.

    If faced between either making a choice of being the nice guy or the asshole always go for the asshole -at least you're being honest.

    There is however, an inbetween and it is called being the 'good guy.'




    ^^Of course the above post was written assuming it is women related. That I'm unsure off.
     
  14. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    OK, but you are talking about a different story.
    This thread is not about these kind of "nice guys" who indirectly want girls.

    It is about people who in general always never say NO.
    The OP, @yellow flowers , was talking about constantly helping and pleasing other people instead of doing things for himself.
     
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  15. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Good point, I wasn't entirely sure what the nature of the question was about.
     
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  16. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    @tweeby I never was and I never wanted to be a nice guy to get women in bed. I would rather prefer being the 'asshole' who say it on the face that he wants to have sex.
     
  17. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    Sure @Angevolant, was out of the forum for sometime. I feel more confidant now and I dont hesitate to diasgree but its still in the making.

    Another thing which needs more effort and energy is - I getting influenced by the girl passing or sitting next to me or coming from the front. I book a cab to office and when i find a girl who according to me is beautiful i just get carried away in her beauty. I spend the entire time thinking about her and the way i behave or talk or handle something is under her influence as if i am trying to impress her or trying to make my presence felt. Fuck off man!!

    I dont know how many girls have gone past like this but it sucks!!

    fuck off this beauty...the beast is way better than this beauty. :(:(

    Have always felt uncomfortable when i see a tall and slim and fair girl passing by..feel like hating her, envying her..huhh
     
  18. is that me your talking about, on your title.?
     
  19. sure sounds like it. I am the same way.
     
  20. yellow flowers

    yellow flowers Fapstronaut

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    not a problem bro..lets do it together :)
     

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