Life is what happens when you have quit. Goodbye for now, I'll be back, I love you.

Hi guys. I'd like to explain why I changed my username, and why I deleted my journal.

When I started NoFap almost six months ago I was completely in love with a girl. A girl singer. I wanted so much, not to be like her, but certainly to be her, that I thought that being called by the name of her band was perfect. And it was… Until I finally got over her.
“Be your own hero” is one of my favourite sentences ever. I'm not the girls I love. I'm barely myself so... I, am not what I love. I'm Anne-Dauphine. By the way, Anne is just half of my first name. My nickname is Ando! Being called by my name makes me weirdly so much happier than being called by the name of my favourite band. I feel recognized as a human being. I've got butterflies in my stomach every time calls me by my name. So… thank you for that.


I deleted my journal for the very same reason I quit games and deleted Facebook: because I love it. It’s been six months that I'm here, and some of you may now I like to talk, and I like to talk a lot, and I like to talk a lot about me… I had a lot of views on my journal. I have become quite an attention thirsty bitch. I should not feel pride from telling my life. In two days my Facebook account will be forever deleted. I will not have any place to tell my life. This is exactly what makes me creative. New York, I'm coming for you.
Also, because I adore it and enormously care for it, answering messages and checking threads take A LOT of time. I will most certainly regret not talking to many of you, you know who you are, I love you, you know it too. I asked a lot of questions these previous days. But it comes a time when instead of asking for help and learning and being given advice, you actually have to step outside and see the world, and act according to what you've learned. Knowledge without action means not much. It's like, having the power to change the world (even if it's just YOUR world), and just staying at this knowledge without changing it, without acting. This is not what I consider to be smart.


I'm stepping back. I am taking the decision not to come back here before either
• I get a job.
• I sell my first drawing.
• I finish “50 flavours of a God” or “Raphael”.
• I write the first chapter of my book – whatever it is, probably poetry-like.

Life is what happen when you have quit, and that is what I'm going to do. I am going to live life. I have a lot of stuff to do. A lot of things to love. A lot of things to create. A lot of forgiveness to ask, a lot of music to listen, a lot of kilometres to run, a lot of money to give back. I want to laugh and be happy. I will accomplish my "dreams". Except they're not dreams. They're omens.

The day of my six months, July 2nd, I will post a last HUGE post before going away to do the points mentioned higher. I will not come back or check reddit before. Tomorrow I will finish to answer private messages. I am not an addict anymore. That doesn't prevent me from learning and helping (even if it's just a tiny bit) some people, and I will actually miss you a lot guys, because I really love you, I'm super serious, I'm a pu$$y but I'm tearing up a bit. You all are my best friends. I'm serious. I'm not drunk at all. You are the best of the friends I have the pleasure to have. You’re making me the best version of myself. I love you.

Next time I’ll talk to you… I'll be even more successful. I've already quit. God and my grandma are protecting me. My soul's unbreakable.

I am not giving up. I repeat, I AM NOT GIVING UP. This is not a fed up post, this is the most hopeful post I could write. I am successful already. I have quit an addiction. This is a success. But I know I can do better. I'm doing stuff from now on. Maybe some of you remember from my journal… “Don't dream it, work for it”. Thanks Maman. “What's done's not to do anymore”. Thanks Joëlle. “I love you, I care for you, I believe in you, you're everything to me”. Thank you God.

This is definitely just a goodbye. This is the proof of how much I care for you all and how much this is important for me. I WILL come back. I will be successful.

Thanks again, stay strong, I love you all so much, I'm gonna miss you

 

Don't worry my dear dear friend. I will return, and I will post success stories, because I didn't promised it. I said I would do it. So I'll do it. Thanks for your unbelievable support Eric!

 

My train is going home in 15mins. I prepared absolutely everything. Walked 1h30 to print my ticket, booked my taxi, everything is supra clean. I forgot only ONE thing: put my alarm clock on.

The eurostar ticket cost 223 euros. I made my parents pay 223 euros for nothing. I'm trapped in London, in my room, nowhere to go.

It's the first time ever I extremely consider relapsing. I need illusion that everything is all right, and I need it right now, because I seriously am thinking of badly hurting myself. I had self-harm issues so I'm actually dead serious. If someone knows how to avoid this, please let me know. THIS IS AN EXTREME ISSUE.



My train is gone now. I'm trapped here and trapped in myself. I's entirely myself. Instead of going to bed early and calmly preparing my stuff I watched Orange is the new black, besides it gave me nightmares, and had to spoil myself everything so I could stop watching, and I ended up going to bed at 00am45. 223 euros. 223 euros for nothing, 223 euros for nothing, 223 euros for nothing. Plus the price of the other ticket I'll have to pay. I want to kill myself and it's entirely my fault

 

Thank you so much for replying, I think I'm going to step up from here, I'll have to pay back my parents with the money I'll earn this summer instead of paying back my student loan so yeah I'm pretty pissed off at myself. My mom is not answering so I'm stressing the fucking dead life out of me. I won't relapse, I just hope I'm not going to do another stupid thing. Self destruction apparently is something I deeply love.


This is an issue too big for this forum, I think I'm going to have to step up.

 

Pfff I'm considering deleting my account. I need a serious punishment for myself. All my luggage is done so I can't break anything of mine, but ultimately screwing up my reams because of complaisance of not wanting to go to bed early... This is so unacceptable. Problem is, I don't have anything left but this forum. I will have absolutely no one to talk to if I delete this account. I'm so lost, hurt, angry at myself and so immensely sad. And I'm the only one to blame. Fuck me deep.

 

I would like to deeply apologize for my fucked up attitude these previous days. Especially to IGY, I swear to God I didn't wanted to offend you, I never should have sent yesterday's message to you. Please accept my most sincere apologies. I'm not a mean girl and the only thing I hate is gratuitous wickedness. Here are two things that explain my attitude but certainly do not excuse it: I finally am having my periods when they were more than a month late, and I was caught in transit and felt extremely distressed and hopeless. These previous days I was not acting normally. I currently am back in France, I managed to get another train for 30£ more without losing the ticket's price, so I'm extremely relieved. I got my family and my cat and I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

I managed to get through the toughest day psychologically since I went to the hospital in urgency without watching a single second of porn or remotely touching myself in the slightest. I did not hurt myself and I did not smoked. I think it's pretty safe to say I'm in a general way not an addict anymore.

I would like to thank beyond words the ones that sent me support messages, you know who you are, you are fucking beautiful. It's humbling to realize I'm not made of still and sometimes well I break.

I don't know why I'm so hard on myself. I may dream too big. I actually did punished myself, but not in the wrong way... I gave my beautiful adidas sneakers to my sister and my adidas jacket to my brother. I got kinda of an adidas fetish, so it definitely was supra hard. I did this because first it make them happy, and because I want to possess less things, and last but not least because I needed a sacrifice. I love these sneakers. Extremely much. I paid them with my own money. Same for the jacket. But. I want to pay my student loan back. And I don't need to buy more clothes. So I'm giving it to them, so when I will live in New York and be a successful artist, I'll pay myself some even hotter sneaks. It's a pledge to myself. Oh, and I also deleted my tumblr and ask.fm accounts. And I'm really okay with it I think.

Didn't even noticed I was at 170 days wow, time flies. Only 10 days left till the tattoo... I don't have the money for it yet, I'll pay it with the money I'll earn this summer. My mom bought me skate protections so I'll finally use the skate I bought 100 euros.

School year is done, I will start the new one afresh. Three objectives in mind. I will achieve. I miss London already though. I keep dreaming about Bianca, I need to refocus.

Hope to see you soon!


Ten days left before I temporarily leave the forum. Imma answer all of you before.


EDIT: I'm adding two reasons to come back here:
• finish entirely my 271 sudokus book.
• finish my 6000 pieces puzzle.