Coming out of my Porn Coma (Day 365)

Renascer · Jan 28, 2017

Thank You

PaFappa the Rapper · Jan 29, 2017

Brilliant post. I will use this to stay motivated.

JimJones · Jan 29, 2017

I admire the serious approach you took. I think that's a keyword for me: be serious about it. If I'm not, I'll easily relapse. Then, it's not about having a quick masturbation while watching some photos - it's about my precious time of my life being lost forever repeatedly if I keep doing it and not take the desire to change seriously - like you did.

murdok · Jan 29, 2017

Nice

im_alive · Feb 1, 2017

I mentioned how good this post was a while ago now.

I copied and pasted it into my 'emergency tool kit' (thanks @fercho29).

The urges came strong and fast this morning. The worst ones ever so far in this streak. It was a case of either:

1. Go to Porn / Escort site (I was justifying it in so many ways).
2. Go to google drive, where my emergency tool kit lives.

I found this document. I was either in, of very very near the trance stage. (item 7 on the list), and this post took me out of it.

I'm now here, posting this, rather than on my old favourite porn or escort sites.

Thanks so much @i_wanna_get_better1

fercho29 · Feb 1, 2017

im_alive said: ↑

I mentioned how good this post was a while ago now.

I copied and pasted it into my 'emergency tool kit' (thanks @fercho29).

The urges came strong and fast this morning. The worst ones ever so far in this streak. It was a case of either:

1. Go to Porn / Escort site (I was justifying it in so many ways).
2. Go to google drive, where my emergency tool kit lives.

I found this document. I was either in, of very very near the trance stage. (item 7 on the list), and this post took me out of it.

I'm now here, posting this, rather than on my old favourite porn or escort sites.

Thanks so much @i_wanna_get_better1
Click to expand...

Good job @im_alive , you are mastering the reboot tools like a pro!
Happy to have contributed to your recovery

silenteagle · Feb 1, 2017

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

Hi there.What an inspiring post!!

im_alive · Feb 1, 2017

fercho29 said: ↑

Good job @im_alive , you are mastering the reboot tools like a pro!
Happy to have contributed to your recovery
Click to expand...

Thanks @fercho29

Aloha · Mar 7, 2017

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

Congratulations bro, your story is too amazing and too inspiring, I read your 30, 90, 180 and 360 days anniversary, your stages of recovery give us hope and motivation, it's now that I know why I always think that I do a lot but no results, porn ruined my efforts, makes me deppressed and lazy, even if I work there's like no concentration, thank you bro for your inspiration, people like you makes this world better. God bless you, your supporter wife and your lovely kids.

Deleted Account · Mar 8, 2017

Aiyoshi said: ↑

your wife are having a better life now
Click to expand...

How is your wife doing? As a wife (almost 24 years married), it helps us to have hope too.

truegrit · Mar 8, 2017

This post is truly inspirational! Congratulations to you my friend! I hope one day as you said to share my one year story and reading yours definitely is extremely motivating! I appreciate you sharing this and I wish you all the best in the future!

damirios · Mar 11, 2017

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

The most insightful success story I´ve ever heard!
No 24 of the list... wow I´ve never thought about that
Thank you man!!

WifeInTheDark · Mar 12, 2017

LizzyBlanca said: ↑

How is your wife doing? As a wife (almost 24 years married), it helps us to have hope too.
Click to expand...

Hi there. I'm the wife of @i_wanna_get_better1
Last fall we celebrated our 18th Anniversary with our two kids. One is a teen, one almost a teen. (Emotional, hormonal girls. But that's a story for another time.)

Our relationship has changed dramatically in the last year of him being PMO free. We still have our battles. More of them are about his Asperger symptoms than sexual issues or trust issues. The more he has discovered about himself emotionally, the more open he has become. This has led to more open conversation about our lives, our shared history, our real feelings about things. I feel like we are less combative than we used to be. Although I still harbor quite a bit of resentment and bitterness, it's not something I generally dwell on. It used to consume me to the point that I dreaded even being in the house together. But every so often, a nerve is struck and then I have to work through the emotions again.

The more acts of kindness or generosity or thoughtfulness that he has under his belt, the farther we move away from our old life. The one where he was generally consumed with PMO and didn't really care whether I was alive or dead. He was so unbelievably selfish...To the point where I almost literally died. I've always had issues trusting men and his betrayals increased these. It's hard for me to trust that, if the situation that led to that life and death scenario were to happen again, he would actually care for me. He probably would. He is generally more caring now. He makes an effort. But because of the added layer of asperger symptoms, I'm not sure our marriage could ever be a true partnership of best friends. It's sort of a pipe dream that hardly anybody actually gets. But it still makes me sad if I dwell on the fact that it's just not ever going to happen for me.

Okay.....All that gloom and doom talk out of the way,
let me be clear.....Our life together, and as a family is SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER. We have days when we are truly happy and can laugh together. We are both overall more relaxed and at peace.

I tend to stay away from this site though because reading how most wives and girlfriends and being treated, lied to, devalued, and disregarded makes me feel those same feelings again of bitterness and resentment. I can't live in that headspace. I'm glad that my husband has found a path out of the darkness and holds up a light for others, letting them know that it CAN be done. He's proof that cold-turkey quitting can work too.

After being lied to for so many many years, there are still times when I stop for a minute and logic seems to demand that I question his honesty. Then I take a deep breath and let it go.

I found that letting it go is better for my overall peace of mind and heart. Me walking around stressed out with a stomach tied in knots doesn't benefit anyone. Taking off that "policeman's hat" was the best gift I could have given myself. If he wants to get right, it's on him and not my job. Phew! What a relief that was! I decided to just live my life.

I decided fairly early on in our marriage that my joy and happiness couldn't come from my life with him. First, I had to love myself and truly want was best for me. No more self destructive thoughts and behaviors because no one was going to love me enough to call me out on it. ("Stop hurting yourself!") I had to pull up my big girl panties and get on with life.

So I made friends. Pursued hobbies. Did things that fed my soul. Spoke up for what I really needed. And I got stronger. I did things that I never thought myself capable of. My spine grew.

So now, I feel like the better marriage and relationship is sort of a bonus that I hadn't planned on. It's a cool bonus. A blessing that I never had believed was possible. But there it is. Go figure.

Soooo.... not sure what you were hoping to hear from "the wife's" perspective.... it really CAN get better.
No promises that it will. But it really IS possible.

Deleted Account · Mar 12, 2017

WifeInTheDark said: ↑

The one where he was generally consumed with PMO and didn't really care whether I was alive or dead. He was so unbelievably selfish...To the point where I almost literally died.
Click to expand...

I understand this. The sole thing was killing him, and me. His job and his addiction.

WifeInTheDark said: ↑

let me be clear.....Our life together, and as a family is SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER. We have days when we are truly happy and can laugh together. We are both overall more relaxed and at peace.
Click to expand...

We are laughing more too. Peace will take some time.

WifeInTheDark said: ↑

So I made friends. Pursued hobbies. Did things that fed my soul. Spoke up for what I really needed.
Click to expand...

I did that (friends, hobbies, soul-feeding) BEFORE I knew what was going on, b/c he was so busy with his career and work schedule. He used my "soul-feeding" as an excuse to "get back at me" and "do his own thing" with prostitutes. That was not my choice or my fault. That is all on him and I need him to take ownership for that.

I need to get back into feeding my soul. It will take some time. I just don't feel emotionally safe yet. We moved out of state ("back home" for me), but I don't have a tight network close to me now. I will re-build that when I have time. It takes energy. Hub was jealous of my friendships. For sure.

Thanks for weighing in.

i_wanna_get_better1 · Apr 4, 2017

im_alive said: ↑

I found this document. I was either in, of very very near the trance stage. (item 7 on the list), and this post took me out of it.
Click to expand...

I'm glad some of the things that helped me was able to help others. Once the mysterious way our addiction operates is revealed we are better able to combat it.

Deleted Account · Apr 4, 2017

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

Hella thanks love you buddy I'm with you day 17

acosme · Apr 4, 2017

Thanks for sharing man, this is one of the greatest post i have read.
Congratulations and let's keep going to 2, 3, 10 years!!

Resolved Oregonian · Apr 4, 2017

im_alive said: ↑

Needed to read that this morning. My 365 journey has only just started.

Well done @i_wanna_get_better1
Click to expand...

Keep it up!

Resolved Oregonian · Apr 4, 2017

i_wanna_get_better1 said: ↑

Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.

I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I also started a more modest online journal detailing my story, my progress, and my research. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.

I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.

On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.

My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.

I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.

I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.

I passed my 30 day anniversary, 90 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.

So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.

Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers. Avoid the triggers you can avoid, address the triggers you can address, remove the triggers you can remove, and learn to cope with the ones you cannot remove.
2. Porn addicts use images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Learn to cope with your problems in healthy ways instead of always turning to PMO.
3. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan. (When I feel -this- then I will do -that- instead of looking at porn.)
4. Journal. Pour out your heart. Discover your patterns. Document your progress.
5. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
6. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
7. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
8. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs.
9. Porn thoughts/images happen. Adopt a 3 second rule and change what you're thinking about. Thoughts lead to action.
10. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
11. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
12. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
13. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
14. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
15. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find enjoyable substitutes such as a new hobby or interest.
16. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
17. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
18. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
19. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
20. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
21. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
22. Celebrate your milestones. Replace unhealthy rituals with healthy ones.
23. Be prepared to change as many behaviors as possible. If you used to PMO in bed with your laptop then stop laying in bed with your laptop and wonder why you have overwhelming urges. If you used to PMO in the shower then switch to cold showers. Don't intentionally trigger yourself.
24. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.

Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean.

For all of you new ones... don't look at my post and think it's impossible for you. I thought it was impossible for me - I was addicted for over 25 years and failed repeatedly! But I broke it down and fought my addiction one urge/impulse/temptation at a time. I still do. You can only fight the battle that's in front of you right now. Don't worry about what happened yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, or tomorrow. Be clean now... be clean when the next urge hits... and then be clean tomorrow... and then the day after that... and before you know it you're at one year. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing such a fantastic and encouraging story! Keep up the great journey my friend!

Resolved Oregonian · Apr 4, 2017

emily 291810 said: ↑

That is so awesome that you were able to stop your porn consumption. I had a question for you and anyone else who can help. I am currently struggling to have my boyfriend understand how damaging porn really is. Any tips on how to talk to him where he could understand? Also what are your thoughts on not porn but EX. Looking up just images or seeking out youtubes naked bait click pictures, does anyone consider this the same equivalent or close?
Click to expand...

Emily, any progress with your boyfriend?

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