Success stories from wives or significant others?

I skimmed through some posts in that topic. I would suggest pushing the boundaries of the search engine of this forum.

 

Hi there. I am new to this site and have really just been reading comments and stories in order to find reassurance. I am in a similar situation to the one you describe as yours, but am on the long long road to recovery. Each day gets better and while some days may not feel like they are going forward at least they don't feel like they are going backwards. Stay strong and happy to chat anytime.

 

Hi there. I'm the wife of @i_wanna_get_better1
Last fall we celebrated our 18th Anniversary with our two kids. One is a teen, one almost a teen. (Emotional, hormonal girls. But that's a story for another time.)

Our relationship has changed dramatically in the last year of him being PMO free. 14 months and change.
We still have our battles. More of them are about his Asperger symptoms than sexual issues or trust issues. The more he has discovered about himself emotionally, the more open he has become. This has led to more open conversation about our lives, our shared history, our real feelings about things. I feel like we are less combative than we used to be. Although I still harbor quite a bit of resentment and bitterness, it's not something I generally dwell on. It used to consume me to the point that I dreaded even being in the house together. But every so often, a nerve is struck and then I have to work through the emotions again.

The more acts of kindness or generosity or thoughtfulness that he has under his belt, the farther we move away from our old life. The one where he was generally consumed with PMO and didn't really care whether I was alive or dead. He was so unbelievably selfish...To the point where I almost literally died. I've always had issues trusting men and his betrayals increased these. It's hard for me to trust that, if the situation that led to that life and death scenario were to happen again, he would actually care for me. He probably would. He is generally more caring now. He makes an effort. But because of the added layer of asperger symptoms, I'm not sure our marriage could ever be a true partnership of best friends. It's sort of a pipe dream that hardly anybody actually gets. But it still makes me sad if I dwell on the fact that it's just not ever going to happen for me.

Okay.....All that gloom and doom talk out of the way,
let me be clear.....Our life together, and as a family is SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER. We have days when we are truly happy and can laugh together. We are both overall more relaxed and at peace.

I tend to stay away from this site though because reading how most wives and girlfriends and being treated, lied to, devalued, and disregarded makes me feel those same feelings again of bitterness and resentment. I can't live in that headspace. I'm glad that my husband has found a path out of the darkness and holds up a light for others, letting them know that it CAN be done. He's proof that cold-turkey quitting can work too.

After being lied to for so many many years, there are still times when I stop for a minute and logic seems to demand that I question his honesty. Then I take a deep breath and let it go.

I found that letting it go is better for my overall peace of mind and heart. Me walking around stressed out with a stomach tied in knots doesn't benefit anyone. Taking off that "policeman's hat" was the best gift I could have given myself. If he wants to get right, it's on him and not my job. Phew! What a relief that was! I decided to just live my life.

I decided fairly early on in our marriage that my joy and happiness couldn't come from my life with him. First, I had to love myself and truly want was best for me. No more self destructive thoughts and behaviors because no one was going to love me enough to call me out on it. ("Stop hurting yourself!") I had to pull up my big girl panties and get on with life.

So I made friends. Pursued hobbies. Did things that fed my soul. Spoke up for what I really needed. And I got stronger. I did things that I never thought myself capable of. My spine grew.

So now, I feel like the better marriage and relationship is sort of a bonus that I hadn't planned on. It's a cool bonus. A blessing that I never had believed was possible. But there it is. Go figure.

Soooo.... not sure what you were hoping to hear from "the wife's" perspective.... it really CAN get better.
No promises that it will. But it really IS possible.