insanity

It's so easy to get aroused by porn.
I'm used to being in a constant state of arousal to some extent. Expected rehab to make me MORE horny and responsive - but I'm not. It feels like I'm dying inside.
Losing will to live.
Yup, it's that radical. Nope, don't wory, not making anything stupid. Just dead from the inside. What do I do? Maybe it's just that I need to sleep. I'm soooo tired.

P.

 

Well... I sank all the way down. Kind'a needed it.
So what's next? Will I be able to go back on the horse now? It feels like there's no saddle this time. But I'll try.

120 days, here I come. Let's start with 10. With 1 at a time.

 

10x guys.
I duuno why y failed 2day.
Had a great night with my beloved wife. Came twice. Was more into it than I've been the whole last year. Still failed today. It's something about my whole sexual energy. It's like it is either here or not. And if it's here... then my liberated concept of how life shall be conducted makes all inhibitions seem unadequate. Unnatural. So well, most of the wold lives with inhibitions? OK - so there's porn. Right? Only that again, this porn is NOT natural. And I'm not a cheater, so even though I could find lovers - I'll only do it as a poliamoric couple... but we're not ready to return to that again... so I must do with my lovely wife... who may look like a prison now that there's no porn and no lovers (we were 4 years in a polyamoric relationship till recently). So again goes my barain through that circle...
I hope that we will start to fantasize together about lovers - even though we are not ready for the real thing. The idea of being naughty, free spirits, free to love, to touch - it brings joy to my brain and body.
I think It's important that we'll have sex again tonight. No pressure, maybe even just make out. I need to teach myself to get my pleasures from the real world. Yes, to LIVE. So today after failing - I did some choirs I postponed till now. Also took my old kayak from the club's warehouse where it was collecting dust. I'm gonna LIVE, have fun, teach my son how to row, spend time at the beach. It's a long vacation - the most dangerous time to relapse. I can do it! I proved already. It shall be easier now.
Stupid second relapse!
Oh well, I'll be alright. Blaming myself will do no good. Gotta hold on.

Looking at the future with hope and believing in myself. I'm strong. Stronger than ever.

 

So...
I see myself as fully addicted again
It's been 10 days of struggle. I think that my triggers were few:
1) I had a serious conversation after which I gave up on any chance to be with our ex-loves ever again. They were not good for us.
I recognize now the fact that part of my insentive to reboot was driven by my beautiful elf. i wanted to prove to her. Or to better perform with her. Or both. Once I gave up on trying to get back together (for my own sake) - I lost this big insentive. For four years they were a huge part of our lives, and we are still mourning and there's a huge emptiness.
2) The vacation always drives me crazy. Instead of focusing my energy on productive things, I hide in the immediate dopamine release that porn brings.
3) I have tedious tasks that I hate doing. Actually, a normal person would have them already done. It's top a three days thing. But beurocracy always terrified me.
4) Once into porn, it's the hardest to stop. I knew I'll have this problem. I was surprised when I had a single glitch. But then the vacation started, and I had that six-PMOs day that broke my willpower.

OK, so: NO MORE! From now on I declare: I'm back on the horse.
HA! Now I commited, I'm trapped... MUST reboot! ...120 days (and much more), here I come