a women possibly cheating on me makes me not want to get into a serious relationship. thoughts?

My thoughts: If a girl cheats on me she's stupid and she went for silver when she could have gold.
a girl that cheats on me wouldn't really love me and why should I run after someone that doesn't really love me

 

First, nice profile pic. Second, I can really relate to this kind of fear. I've also thought tossing the idea of marriage and just becoming rich, and using all my money on prostitutes. But we know at the end of the day we want deeper relationships, not flings.

I think you should take the route of stoicism here. And that is people are messed up, they'll cheat, they'll leave you to be more successful, but we shouldn't allow it to hurt us because they don't know any better. People are fallen, and we do selfish things all the time. And when you love someone, you should just give them the benefit of the doubt when they say they love you too, and trust them. But if shit hits the fan accept it as just being a part of life, and then move forward.

 

This is why I do not believe monogamous relationship. Yes, people cheat. Because that is nature of humans. Monogamous relationships are unnatural, artificial construct of society. And so there will always be cheating, because biologically we are programmed to have multiple mates. Only way to get rid of cheating is to get rid of monogamous relationship. The so called "cheating" is just called "sharing love" or "having fun", etc. Think about it, if we would be naturally monogamous species would there be cheating? No. Swans are monogamous ad they don't "cheat". So we only cheat because we are trying to be something we biologically are not.

One has to realize that there is infinite abundance of women. So for me there are options. And they are never closed. So even if she leaves I know I can just get another one. And because of that I won't feel devastated, because she was not the only for me. I suppose you could apply this mentality to monogamous relationship too. Basically just don't invest. Realize that there are, like I said, infinite abundance of women. Now this doesn't mean that you can not plan together for future. Let's paraphrase the saying "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today"; plan as you'll be together forever, but expect none of to come true". Cos that's what the pain is there, cos of failed expectations.

 

Let's just back up the stupid train a second there. Animals are incapable of cheating because they lack the intellect and will necessary to make them culpable for such actions. This why there are no cheaters, rapists, etc in the animal kingdom.

Therefore given our natural ability to think rationally, critically, and morally, and to understand such concepts as love and justice, then it's clear we of all species are perfectly equipped, by nature, to be monogamous.

Anyone who says contrary is just another person that needs to justify their lack of self-control.

 

Love requires vulnerability, deal with it. What's that say? Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

 

Of course to cheat one needs to have ability to judge things as right or wrong. Otherwise it is not really cheating, it's just natural behavior. I'm not arguing otherwise. I'm not sure whether you genuinely misunderstood what I said there or are you intentionally attacking the way I used wrong definitions there (cos even if definitions of words were wrong I think what I meant by that was still clear) instead of just arguing against my point itself. But just in case, let me explain again what I meant there. And my apologies for my mistake of forgetting to put word "cheating" in quotes there, maybe THAT created some confusion? I edited my original post to fix it for future people that may read it.

Anyhow, my point is that some animals are genetically programmed to be monogamous species. So they do not even feel drown to other females or males of the same species, cos one for them is enough. And some other animals could do that as well, but for some reason they don't, because they are not genetically programmed to behave that way. So by that logic what I am saying is that if we would be naturally monogamous species nobody would even LOOK at other people sexually when they have found their life partner, cos that would not be in our genes. So there would be no cheating, because there would not be biological drive. So hence the very fact that humans do feel desire to cheat on our partners strongly implies that we are probably not biologically wired to be monogamous.

This is exactly my point:

We need our mind to crate this morality thing, this concept of monogamy. Without our intellect and social programming to hold us in check we would be having sex left and right with multiple partners. I'm not saying that we are unequipped to be monogamous species. Our intellect clearly does equip us to do so. I'm just saying we are not biologically equipped. That is not how nature / God or whoever created us intended us to be. Just as same way biologically we are not equipped to fight with a bear or a tiger. Yet with the help of our intellect we can.

 

I think it's good you're working on codependency because it's really a bad thing in relationships.

I know how you feel. I sometimes think why even bother with relationships. Women can be so difficult and complicated that what's the point? But I know having a relationship is more fulfilling than seeing escorts or have casual sex.

The bottom line is anyone is capable of cheating and having a relationship is always risky. But I do think it's worth the risk because if you meet that person who remains faithful can bring so much joy.

I think the only thing you can do is try to be a good judge of character. Get to know her before you get to know her body. Observe her in certain situations and see how she reacts. Meet her friends and see what kind of people they are.