My Story: Please Be Patient!

I've quit porn before, at a time when I was working out consistently, watching my diet, very focused on my goal of creating a physique I was proud of. I had a few women interested in me, I was having sex often, but still very driven to attain my goal. At the time, I wasn't working, but eventually started. I met a girl at a restaurant I began working at and we went on one date that didn't quite workout. Until the following weekend she texted me to hang out. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said to come over my house. Mind you, she was gorgeous. I knew what she wanted and agreed asking if I should get drinks. She replied yes. We hit it off and as you can imagine, we slept together. At the time, I was confident and felt nothing emotional for her. I knew what she wanted and didn't think it would go anywhere. She started to realize she liked me and got very confused about everything and tried to leave. I contemplated letting her leave, but thought she might be worth it, although the circumstances might've seemed odd. I mean, we both had the same intentions apparently. Long story short, we became intimate and actually began dating. I was still confident and knew I had the girl everyone wanted, I had goals, I was "doing me". She was attracted to me and I her. We had sex often and she would sleep over my house. Go to the gym with me, I would sleep over hers. We went out together. As time progressed, I became less and less confident seeing how confident she was with herself, being drop dead gorgeous, was in college and was motivated.I wouldn't be able to sleep, even if she was right next to me, we had sex less often, I became depressed and unsure of her loyalty to me. Knowing she could have any guy she wanted. I on the other hand inwardly had lower self-esteem, though I was at one point in time confident. There were other areas in my life that make me feel insecure about myself, not related to her, that also caused me to feel this way. Things from my past that I do not wish to explain, but only forget. I felt secretly I wasn't enough. However, she never expressed that. My overthinking caused me to try and break up with her 4-5 times, in such a short amount of time. Eventually I could tell it wasn't the same between us. She was trying to let it go, but I knew inside she resented me in a way. I was always thinking about it, checking her social media accounts, couldn't concentrate at work, didn't want to stop texting her thinking she was talking to someone else, and more often than not I would take her jokes personal and would "snap" at her, if you will. She then expressed she was "walking on egg shells" around. What a blow to my self-esteem. Did I feel like an emotional girl when I heard that. I felt she was the one who wore the pants in the relationship, and she did. That's not what a woman wants. She needs a MAN. Someone who is focused on him and when the time is right, her. Anyway, eventually she couldn't take it anymore. She even expressed that she resented me and didn't feel she could forgive me. I knew it was coming, I knew our relationship wasn't healthy, it wasn't fair to her, and knew that she was right for ending it. Which bothers me the most. Knowing I was the cause for it - not that she cheated or did me dirty. It was all because I was a little bitch lol. Ever since then, I've tried to forget it, I've tried to forget us, I deleted every picture of us/memory immediately. I thought it would be easy. At first it hurt a lot. But I knew there was nothing I could do. I tried focusing on work, which was difficult. I would occasionally glance at her profile with regret. It was soon before her birthday and Christmas that we broke up. I wanted to text her, say happy birthday or merry christmas like a normal person. However, I felt like so much shit about myself, replaying "resentful" and "can''t forgive you" over and over in my mind that I thought she wouldn't even care to hear it. Thinking it would be best to just let her go and not get my hopes up. A few days after her birthday, I went to go on her page again, when I realized it was blocked. I'm pretty sure it was because I was the idiot who didn't say anything to her. Little did she know I wanted to so badly. But I thought I had it under control. However, as I've been told recently, I tried to overcome the break up way too quickly...I didn't give myself time. I just bottled it up until weeks later I hit rock-bottom. I didn't want to leave my room, I just sat on my phone, ate like shit, inwardly spoke so negatively about myself. Lost my job, picked my skin (dermotilliomania - worst feeling in the world), and had no motivation. Thinking I can't do better. I'll never move on. I'll never be where I was before meeting her. Trying to have a positive outlook on the whole experience, knowing there are things I have to change and looking back at how I was with her, I've started to grow from it. Look at it in a positive light. I know time heals all, but I still have this past experience stuck in my heart and feel it almost everyday. It's a bit better now, but I still feel it effects everything I do. It still affects my confidence to this day. I feel like I can't get close with anyone and feel as though I'll get that lack of self-confidence again. It's been months now, we've never spoken since. I've been with several girls before, whether in a relationship or not, was completely myself (playful, energetic, stupid lol, but didn't give a fuck about what others thought). I was very outgoing. That's also what attracted her in the first place. However, none of them had me end up feeling like this before. I guess because I was primarily attracted to her looks. Knowing what I know now, I should've actually tried to get to know her. Like in the movie Freedom Writers, her husband said "you don't love me, you love the idea of me". Whereas she liked me for me. Now I feel I go into depressions, lack motivation, but it's getting better. Within the last month I couldn't work due to grand jury duty. It was M-F 10 am -5 pm for four weeks consecutively. I used that time to relax, destress. Find myself again if you will. I did stay somewhat consistent with home workouts. Especially because I was eating like shit and still have this goal inside of me to create that physique. It's buried deep down though underneath my low self-esteem and feeling like there's no point at all if I'm still worthless personality wise. Lately, somedays I'll be good, I'll be driven. I'd have worked out consistently, stayed somewhat on track of my diet, though it is difficult with lack of money. Yet, I will have women hit on me or try to not pay attention to them and let them focus on me. Feeling like a man again. However, days like today where I haven't slept the night before, feel like shit about myself, have nothing going on, but a job I just started that's not even full time and still have lots of free time on my hands, is when I resort to porn (the moral of the story). Stuck in my small room watching videos hoping something will change. I've heard of nofap before and remember when I wasn't. I actually slept with women and had great sex and self-esteem. Girls were shy around me, self-concious around me. Now I feel like I carry this emotional sob story around and it repulses them. But I know in my heart I can change. And that's why I'm here. I know the benefits of not resorting to porn. More focus on my goals, more free-testosterone, more self-confidence and energy, more drive, more gains in the gym. I will have myself back. The one thing I keep thinking about is that back in the day there were no porn sites. The natural thing was to mate with an actual woman. And that's why I know I need to stay away from porn. I know when I don't resort to it, I feel 1,000,000x better and actually get shit done. With all of that being said, I want to give this a shot and overcome this problem. Get out and enjoy life. Be productive and a functioning part of society. If you've been gracious, patient, and self-less enough to read until this point, I thank you so much. Words can't explain how good it feels to get this out. I hope I can do this and if there are any suggestions/comments/feedback, I'm more than happy to hear. Thanks guys!

 

Haha - thank you !