Need help finding "the line"

You ask some good questions and I'll try to answer them.
1. Is he replacing PMO with you? It's possible. Here's how you can tell if it's healthy sex. Is he present mentally and emotionally? Or does he close his eyes and try to imagine he's somewhere else or with someone else? Is he primarily concerned about your needs or his own? Does he want sex daily or multiple times a day? Increased frequency is not necessarily a bad thing but it is bad if he's trying to keep his mind in a continual excited state. Also, while it's ok to spice things up in the bedroom... does it seem he's trying to bring his porn fantasies to life? Does it seem like he's 'performing' or are you guys genuinely having a good time and connecting?

2. Anecdotally, having sex during a reboot does extend the time it takes to reboot. But if it's helping to heal the relationship then it's a good price to pay. Sex can lead to an intense chaser effect... the desire to look at porn after sex. If he is prepared for that side-effect then it's ok to have sex.

3. Should you stimulate him? Initiating sex is just fine but maybe you're thinking of doing something more. Be careful about giving too much and not receiving. It can lead to expectations, being objectified, being taken for granted, and that can lead to resentment. Dressing up or doing something 'special' can trigger or give him flashbacks about the kinds of interests/fetishes he might have enjoyed watching. In other words, don't bring his porn fantasies to life. You can also save doing something 'special' as rewards for hitting certain milestones.

These kinds of questions are perfectly okay to bring up with your partner. If you have newfound concerns then bring them up. If you have achieved that level of intimacy then take advantage of it and see what he thinks and how he feels. Nagging concerns are also natural. It's a trust issue. You might be wondering if this is all too good to be true. Is his reboot going to stick. Is it just a a matter of time before he relapses and breaks your heart again. Just be cautiously optimistic and allow him to give you concrete proof that he is worthy to be trusted again.

 

Monk mode is for people who are unable to be in the moment, who objectify, who fantasize during sex, who have porn flashbacks, who try to bring their fantasies to life, or who feel they need sex ALL the time. If there is extreme marital stress because of the disclosure then taking sex off the table for a set period of time can be a relief. The mind needs to return to a calm, balanced state. Single people who 'medicate' themselves with one-night stands, have friends-with-benefits, who visit prostitute or escorts, or who go to massage parlors might need to take a break from sex because all those sexual behaviors contribute to their problem.

Think of an addict as a hyperactive dog who barks all the time and never settles down. The goal is to get them into a calm, submissive state of mind. That is when they are happiest, not when they are jumping around and acting crazy. An addict is used to living their life in extremes and they need time for their brains to return to normal. That normal state is uncomfortable. So even when they get to that point they are not truly rebooted. They need time for that state of mind to become firmly entrenched and not just a temporary thing.

A healthy relationship can help the mind adjust to what is normal and fun. The reboot phase is not the time to be kinky. There will be bumps along the way. Sexual dysfunction symptoms may persist but since the secret is out in the open their is no shame or embarrassment associated with performance issues.

Many couples enter a 'second honeymoon' once the big secret comes out and the two partners are working together to conquer this problem. If done properly it can draw the two of you closer together. It's not a time of abstinence and punishment, but it can be an opportunity for cooperation and increased communication and intimacy. I'm happy to hear that your relationship is on the right track.

 

My SO did hardmode initially for the first few weeks but we are now having regular sex together. I think for most men there needs to be at least a few weeks of hardmode to break the dependency on orgasm as an addictive behavior. While my SO was addicted, he was MO'ing with or without P pretty much everyday, as well as having sex with me pretty regularly. If he initiated sex and I turned him down he would often get sulky. Now that he has managed to break the addiction to O'ing everyday, our libidos seem much more insinc. Sex seems to occur "naturally" if that make sense. He no longer gets sulky if he initiates and I am not into it and I feel so much more into it now that there isn't the feeling of being pressured by knowing he will turn cold and be sulky if I say no. Also the connection is there and we do lot's of non sexual touch, like cuddling just for the sake of cuddling. That has also made me feel closer to him and made me more "horny" for him than I have felt in years. I have read some journals on here where it is clear that the PA's have replaced the porn use with sex with their partners. They often write with a very entitled attitude of expecting their SO's to service them daily, so as to keep them from releasing. They often complain after a failed attempt to initiate and their rhetoric is very much "poor me." They seem still very much in that selfish, addicted mindset because they essentially are just keeping up the addiction to O, without the P. I feel so sorry for the SO's of these men and I really don't think these guys are on a route of longterm recovery.