Rainbowarrior

I POSTED THIS TO MY JOURNAL BUT IT MIGHT HELP SOME PEOPLE. GOOD LUCK BUDDY/GAL! STAY STRONG IT'S ALREADY IN YOU!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have the great, the immense pleasure to announce you I've crushed temptation for 100 DAYS! PALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

SO HERE WE GO!

I WILL BREAK THIS POST IN SEVERAL PARTS BECAUSE IT'S 20045 CHARACTERS LONG LMAO.

In this HUGE post you will find: my thoughts and impressions on how I've made it to 100 days cold turkey, what is still to improve, and what I plan to do next.

You will also find my Big Battle Plan who will start around April 15th, the day I'm coming back to London, and who will help me to be the toughest and happiest girl Rainbowarrior that have ever existed.

Please consider that I am a wannabe religious person, and what worked for me may not apply to you. Anyway, if you read this, it means that you are either recovering, thinking of it, or recovered, and for any of these reasons you deserve a huge hug, a huge smile, all my sympathy and all my gratitude.

 

How I've made it to 100 days and why I was and am successful

_ First and foremost, I started NoFap extremely spontaneously and for very specific reasons. If you read my journal since the beginning, I'm basically a huge fan of the band CocoRosie and I'm very in love - or at least I lust her a lot - with Bianca Casady. I started NoFap because of an interview of hers where she state that to improve her creativity and creative productivity, she often stores libido for a while, because frustration and sexual energy helps her to focus a lot more on her work. She's my ideal and idol artist so I immediately wanted to try this thing too - you know, just to do like her. Also, spending the New Year's Eve absolutely alone at home, talking to complete strangers on xhamster, at only 19 years old, deeply depressed me. If you read my journal you know I have a pretty dark background story and attempted suicide two times because of porn, and am right now the happiest and joyful bitch you've never meet. If you're starting NoFap, it may be helpful to know exactly WHY you are doing it. Just to try may not be enough. Because believe me, when you'll be rolling on the floor, tearing up your arms skin with your own nails because the temptation is actually eating you alive, "trying" won't look as fun as it did.

_ I strongly believe that the key to my success reside for a huge part in self discipline. Now, know that I've never had a single drop of willpower. I'm extremely easily overpowered by anything. I'm naïve and most of the time childish and immature (I have a theory that is that this is the exact reason why I've started to watch porn but it's another story). I'm super touchy and sensitive - basically, I'm a big fat pu$$y. BUT, when I started NoFap, I knew that the only way I would be successful was to convince myself that it was 100% my very own decision. It's not that it wasn't allowed, it was that I DIDN'T WANTED to do it anymore. Boom, success. You know, I've tried to ask for help to get me out of this shit, once. I asked my aunt, who's basically one of my fucking dearest person in the world and whom I blindly trust, and as a result I failed in two months, with a self esteem dropped so low that it was almost ate by some damn anglerfish or whatever. Not good. I remember that, as I simply couldn't technically watch porn (I was still masturbating, I thought at that time that the only problem was porn) because I didn't had access to a computer, I was searching for porn EVERYWHERE. Of course I found some, hidden in Enter the Void (still love this movie though), and before blinking I was back on the track of hardcore gay porn.
Much ado about nothing; what I'm trying to say is that only you can decide if you want to relapse or not. If you relapsed, you wanted it. Not necessarily directly. It may be that you didn't installed K9 or didn't knew well your triggers or flirted with them or whatever. But even, I mean, I watched a huge lot of concert videos - and now I'm desperately trying to get over them -, making me so horny that I actually torn up one of my tshirts to prevent me to go further, but I didn't relapsed. And that, dear reader, is the only ting that matter.

_ Now, in order to have self discipline, a wide variety of weapons are at your service. For me, the most effective ones where first, to become obsessed over something that simply, wasn't porn. I choose fitness and a healthy lifestyle, because I've been overweighted all my life, and the desire to quit porn lead me to desire a general healthier life. It was very effective. Incredibly, and right here I must say that I'm the first to be baffled at it, I slowly started to quit more and more things, and as you will see I am still in the process of living a more and more free, healthy and detached from virtual life. Things I quit include amongst others smoking (more than 2 months in), video games (bit more than one month in), watching series compulsively, sodas, a lot of Facebook procrastination in general. Not one of these were easy, but I'm overly happy to have made this choices. This is the only trick: you have to choose it. To make a strong commitment. Because lying to yourself is a billionth time worst than relapsing. What's amazing is that you don't have to believe in any god for that, it's a basic human reality: lying to yourself, won't do no good. Oh, and I lost 6kg in total. Yay me.
The second weapon I took was a strict routine. I had an extremely poor dental hygiene all my life. I'm not proud to say it to you, but I'm not afraid either, because it's not the case anymore. I didn't missed a single fucking day of brushing my teeth since the day I started, in mid January. I know floss and take mouth bath. I wash my face every evening, I'm trying to make a habit of brushing my teeth two times a day, I run regularly. What I did was to take a piece of paper, take a blue posca, and write in capital letters: TEA, FACE, TEETH. I then put it just over my bed, so every time I walk in my room (I live in a dorm room), the first thing I see is it, and I can't go to bed without seeing it. So I knew that every day, I had to drink at least a cup of tea, wash my face and brush my teeth. I then gradually added some words, like PRAYER, LIPS, to remind me to pray every night and to exfoliate my lips. Next things I will add probably are going to be FLOSS and MEDITATE.
Also, I've spent my whole life going to bed very late, or more accurately early in the morning, and waking up exhausted a few hours later, late in the day. I always thought that sleeping was a fucking loss of time. I used to fall asleep every single time in class. And one day, around two months of NoFap, I decided I would wake up every morning at 6am30. Boom, success. What I did was lying in my bed, RIGHT before falling asleep, achieve a state of deep awareness of my environment (ask me if you want advices on that, I'd be more than glad to help) like in relaxation, and repeat to myself like a mantra "I will wake up at 6am30." As simple as that. It was like I convinced myself, and I was naturally up at 6am15 the day after, without an alarm clock. Much effective, such fucking great, wow. The simple fact of being extremely aware and concentrated on that particular thought, waking up at 6am30, was enough to convince my little brain. I don't even feel the need to try this method with PMO, but I would strongly advise you if you like this idea.
I never had to install K9. I tried it but it was a disaster, it blocked YouTube comments. Right here, right now, if I want to watch porn, I can. I just have to type the name of the site in Chrome, and boom, porn. I just don't want to. I'm a free girl, I'm not the slave of my impulses. That is a lot of what makes me successful: I could do it, but I just don't do it. I could relapse, but I just don't. Easier to say than to do, believe me!
There are a lot of other fashions to improve your willpower and your self discipline. All of them might work for someone and not to someone else. At the end of the day, you're unique, and only you can decide what you want.

_ Helping other. Simple, so effective. I noticed that the more supportive and helping I was, the more it backfired on me in mountains of happiness and gratitude.

_ EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, ESPECIALLY IN THE FIRST DAYS. Now be aware that it worked incredibly well for me but does the contrary on other people. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. My NoFap motto is "One day at a time, one hill at a time." Every single day of a recovering addict is at the beginning a bit like a torture. How the fuck are you supposed to go to 7 days if you can't make it to one day and a half?! St your counter to one day. Then add another day, and another one. It's much more efficient and encouraging for me to have the bar almost entirely green than white. I'm adding 10 days to every goal since I'm at 20 days. And it's working for me. You might want to try this too! I personally strongly advise to keep a counter, because I need a visual proof of my progress. In any way, even if you don't have a counter, celebrate each fucking day, and reward yourself, because you deserve it, quitting an addiction is extremely hard and be willing to do Good is even harder.

 

_ Optional but without a doubt the most effective one in my opinion: prayer. You may even pray for yourself if you're atheist. Being supportive and being your best friend already is helping a lot. Now, I'm a firmly believing catholic who's struggling to be a good christian. My grandma died in my first days of NoFap. I think she's daily praying for me and protecting me from wherever she is. I love you Mamie, I miss you. Every time I think of it, I'm asking her to pray God and Mary for me. And I fucking believe that since I'm doing this, I'm incredibly happier. I mean, just read my previous posts! It's so dripping with joy it's almost embarrassing ^_^ I'm going to the mass every Sunday (well I prefer Saturday but it's the spirit haha), I pray (almost) every night, I'm going to week masses as much as I can, and one thing, extremely shocking for me: I cannot go to the mass without crying. It's terrifying. Two weeks ago, I started crying so fucking much, I was so desperate, so distressed, that the lady next to me asked me if I wanted her to pray for me. I started NoFap partially because I wanted to be closer to God, and it's damn working. Not just in a visible way. I'm kinder, more supportive, I share more, I'm less attracted to material stuff, and more importantly, I'm nicer with myself. It's SO much more helpful to have something to rely on than to have just yourself, in my humble opinion. I said to myself, you don't even believe in you, so why not pray to something you're not sure that it exist? Boom, success.

_ There's not much more, I think. The rest is just life, hard work, and knowledge that withdrawals FUCKING SUCKS. Like, the worst thing you'll ever feel. Gah I'm glad I'm not Renton in Trainspotting, but HOLY SHIT, resisting temptation is hard. But just, don't relapse. Remember that.

 

What I still have to improve and dark points

_ Fortunately, most of the things are listed in my Big Battle Plan. But here is the addictions I have to quit: Facebook, Bianca Casady, CocoRosie, checking emails, checking blogs, screens of any sorts, torturing myself mentally so much that it has repercussions on my body, procrastination in general, laziness, gluttony, jealousy, name the seven sins. I want to quit my addiction to the dopamine high that gives sharing some shit on Facebook or seeing that a new gif has been posted on cocorosieland. I want to live in a healthier fashion, be A LOT more detached from material stuff such as good food and pretty clothes (HELLO ADIDAS FETISH <3), I want to be closer to God and I want to shine brightly. I do not want to go back to my old habits, ever. I want to find love or at least friendship. I want people to be attracted to me like butterflies on a flower, not because I'm better, not because I'm prettier, not because of all of this, but because I'm a simple woman, happy, content, committed and true to her principles and values.

_ Going back to Paris has been the death of me. Not Paris the city, je t'aime putain, London I really like you but Paris will always be my love. Going back to my parents place has killed almost every good habit I started and just plainly depressed me as fuck. I smoked twice (didn't bought the cigs so it doesn't count), ate fucking badly and as a result gained back 2kg, were just lazy and unproductive and depressed and bored and sad. I need to learn to grow up a bit. I always knew living alone was the right thing for me, even though I feel incredibly less lonely here. My routine can't be done when I'm here.

_ I'm not AT ALL doing as well as I would in school. I'm ashamed and I have the desire to do better. I don't have "bad" grades, I just could have so much better ones. I was so concentrated on not masturbating or watching porn that it affected my work. Weirdly enough, what I have to improve the most according to my tutor is directly related to the HUGE lack of confidence I have towards it.

_ I hope I don't forget anything. Please everyone, know that I'm trying hard to be better, and sometimes it just doesn't work. I'm not an example, but I'm working towards it

 

BATTLE PLAN FOR A HEALTHIER LIFE AND A HAPPIER ME

_ Yesterday I've installed two very important things: RescueTime and FocalFilter. The first calculates the time for every single thing I'm doing on my computer and every site I visit. I already feel the huge benefits on my productivity and I strongly advise you to give it a try, it's free. The second blocks sites I choose for a predetermined time that I choose too. Extremely useful when I want to work - I can't even GO to YouTube, because I've blocked it! For Mac users, I think Self-Restraint is the same.
_ On April 15th, I will delete my facebook account for exactly a month. Just thinking of this makes me want to puke, please Lord hold me, please guys pray for me, I realised I definitely was an addict.
_ I made the very hard decision to close my YouTube ASMR channel. It just takes to much time and I don't enjoy it as much anymore. It was an incredible experience, I met amazing people, but it's over.
_ I decided I will go almost fully paleo (following the Paleo Diet) for at least one week. It's exciting to give it a try and I need a new inspiration for the next three months. Plus I'm tired of counting calories.
_ I browsed the amazing site that is Nerd Fitness for hours and hours and choose the Beginner Body Weight workout. Starting Monday April 14th, I solemnly promise I will exercise on every Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (and if I want on weekends). My work outs will consist on following Couch to 5k in order to be ready for my very very first 5k at the end of May, which I'm extremely looking forward, and the Beginner Body Weight workout. I will also walk as much as I want, and I may do a specific arms work out.
_ Starting on Monday April 28th, I promise I will try a one week daily mass challenge. I prefer to have Sunday's mass on Saturday's evenings, so I am aware that I will have two masses on Saturday. Only reason I am allowing me to fail this challenge is if I have to go to school.
_ I'm coming back to my daily routine that made me successful. Waking up at 6am30, or 8am30 on weekends. Exercising if it's exercise day, or having a nice calm breakfast if it's not exercise day. Going to the mass, going to school. Washing face, brushing teeth, flossing, mouth bath.
_ I promise I will start a one week daily shower challenge, starting on Monday April 21th.
_ I solemnly promise I will for one week not watch ANY, at all, ASMR or cooking or Japanese crafts or ANY VIDEO AT ALL, AT LEAST one hour before going to bed. I would like to shut lights at 9pm. NO ACTIVITY ALLOWED AT ALL AFTER 8PM. NOT EVEN READING. ONLY PRAYING AND MEDITATION.
_ I there promise I will delete all the videos on my smartphone and find right now an alternative to it. I want t separate my music from my phone and give my smartphone to my sister but it's not possible right now.
_ I will finally socialize a bit and will go visit my grandmother cousin. I promise. I already asked her for his email. It's a huge decision because I'm genuinely terrified.
_ I promise I will use the book that my mother gave me and do my prayer not only every evening but also EVERY MORNING, after waking up, while my tea cool down.
_ I will start a one week "one minute of meditation a day" challenge. Starting date still to be thought of.
_ I will create a favourites file and call it "Saturday's blogs". Because I definitely think that allowing myself to check blogs only once a week is doing me incredibly great.
_ I will update my personal website.
_ Very obviously lmao, I will neither watch pornography, nor masturbate, nor do the two at the same time.
_ I promise I will save up enough money to be able to get the tattoo of the Camargue Cross, exactly at the same emplacement and size as Bianca's, the exact day of my 6 months anniversary.
_ Keeping some counters for interviews, concert videos and blogs is hard as fuck but incredibly effective and helpful. Oddly enough, the toughest is blogs, not concert videos.
_ I solemnly promise here and now that I will from today Saturday April 12th add to my concert videos and interviews counter, clips and ASMR videos. As simple as that, and one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. My life is not online, I'm not a video. The rule of Saturday also applies to it, meaning that I will have the right to watch videos only on Saturday.
_ I will print, and not watch on a screen, anything that is related to work, organisation or healthiness.
_ Of course, I continue not to play any video game at all.
_ I have prepared a splendid organisation plan for absolutely completely cleaning and sorting out my computer. It's delightful to watch, and also a humongous pain in the ass. I will strictly follow it until my computer is so clear and organised that one can see the light of all deities when browsing it.
_ Everything that doesn't AT ALL involves a screen is not only permitted; it's encouraged. Read baby read. Work. Exercise, go for a walk, go watch an exhibition. Meditate. Play ukulele. Pray!
_ I like the idea of role-playing your life A FUCKING LOT, especially since I do not want to play video games anymore. I will therefore try to mix a lot of things that interest me and use Nerd Fitness plan to roleplay my life. I am a Rainbowarrior, evil come not near. (Luckily this is one of my fucking favourite song in the world haha.) I'm a tough motherfucker, but kindness and faith are my strength. My symbol is the Camargue Cross: a cross for the faith, a heart for the love and charity, an anchor for hope. If you look hard, you can find a rainbow trail, it's deep inside you. Fear not, you're a Rainbowarrior! A Rainbowarrior weapons are hope, confidence, prayers and hard work. I'm becoming a proud Rainbowarrior.

Wow, I think that's pretty much enough. I beg you to steal as much as you can and want.

So to resume a bit, the goal is to spend as less time as possible on a screen. Except on Saturdays, from midnight to midnight, where everything but porn and video games is authorized. I want my computer to be covered in dust and my tshirts to fit too tightly because of all the muscles and awesomeness I've packed.

I'm the master of my fate, I'm the captain of my soul. My true and only saviour is Jesus Christ. Not a singer. Not a computer. Not me. I'm less than nothing without God and I solemnly declare having understood that it is only by being emphatic, supportive, kind and committed that I will find true happiness. I know this, because I've experienced it.

So this is my testament. Wish me luck guys, I have a lot of work to do

ALSO I had like 9 or 10 wet dreams in 100 days. Not bad but they can quite make your day harder. PLEASE ASK ME AS MUCH QUESTIONS AS YOU WANT!

ALSO FOR GIRLS: during your periods, it's like 100x harder, but just remember that it's only hormonal. It does not shows that your will is less powerful. It's just your body against you. Check the Women section for more about this!

 

Thank you man, it means the world! Still have a ton of things to improve, but I think that it's what's keeping me excited about being a better person. One thing is sure, I'm a completely different, and most importantly happier, woman than the girl I was on January 1st. I'm definitely more mature and hopeful. I'm my friend now. This feels hard to say, I must admit. It's so much easier to hate yourself. But no, now I'm in good terms with myself Thanks again, I really hope the best for you! 11 days is already huge, I'm confident you'll get to your goal soon

 

Gosh, I changed so much since I wrote this, I had completely forgot XD

Well thank you very much my friend, truly my pleasure. 8 days! Go on, you're definitely on the right path. You have the right mentality. You're right, it's about finding yourself - and even, it's not a war. It's a story of reconciliation, of love. I don't believe it's a fight.

You're not the slave. You're the master. Predict your own future. I don't wish you the best - I know you'll have it if you really want to.

 

Really good stuff here and great testimony, Anne.

I'm really shocked that there are not more comments on this post. Seriously, everything that you have written here is enough to help anyone not go back to porn or masturbation.

So, what will you do after the 180 days? Are you done with PMO for good? You going to set a new goal, or just M every now and again?

For me personally, I'm doing this for life.

Kinds regards.

 

Thank you so much man!

Well, now, I'm going away. I don't think it's relevant for me anymore to say that I'm doing NoFap. I quit, and I don't see the point of staying here, flirting with my past. Now I'm living life.

However, I will come back. When I'll have live a bit more I'll come back. And I am definitely am going to update my counter every ten days. It's a habit now, and I need it. I'm done for good! If I was masturbating, then I would be an addict. But I'm not, and I'll never do it ever again.

And I'm still giving myself rewards, but they will be "life". Like for 6 months, I'm offering myself my first professional tattoo, and this is a NoFap reward, but from now on every single thing I do is directed towards my 3 goals. They simply will happen, and they're fucking dreams, and they will make me happy, and it's the best reward and the ultimate reason I do anything I do and want anything I want.

You're doing this for life? You'll see, life is what happens when you'll have moved on

I don't wish you the best; I know you'll have it if you decide so. Predict your own future. Stay strong brother.

 

Great stuff, Anne

I sincerely wish you all the best as you embark on this new chapter of your new life! Well done!

 

Thanks Anne,

Great post, its seems I also experience the same desire to do well for myself, its as if doing NoFap triggers off something really kind and gentle within yourself asking for self preservation and positive states of being.Like a beautiful flame or spark that grows stronger and inspires others, i guess it is the gift that god gave humans, our sexual energy. You have achieved a level of self control (discipline) that many people won't ever have or think they need(?), and I am sure you will or have inspired others to seek the flame, including mwa.

keep doing yo thang!

CK

 

Lmfao this is so old! But this is extremely sweet of you to say, I'm more than delighted that it inspires you, I promise with all my heart that it's worth it