my journal - need to deal with the pain and confusion

So we facetimed for a bit as he's at a work drinks due. Happy cheerful to see his kid and also nice with me. So I whstdapoed him later on that I have a request for him this evening..to please not use porn to take a wank this evening because it will change how he'll look at me tomorrow and the thought of him doing it it absolutely makes me vomit (unwell physically, no appetite to the point if vomiting water). It devastates me. I can't compete and won't compete with them as I lost already as they make him forget the essence of us. That I wouldn't have asked if I could help it. It is an upsetting thing for me at the moment.
And that I'm not saying he'd have done it , but if he can help it, please don't do it...

Well he was shown as online a few minutes ago (I sent messAge and delivered about 40mins ago) but it shows that he hasn't read my message (or at least hasn't opened it. So no reply.. I know he can read the whatsapp pop up freshly sent messages as they pop on screen when delivered,without necessarily opening the app that would show he's read them. Maybe he is busy at the work party. Later when drunk I'll get either the sulky silent treatment , or a reassuring message...


Update: blanking me treatment it is. He has been online 3mins ago as his mum who's been sitting next to me has whatsapped him a photo of his kid and he opened that one. I feel a total obvious fool.

Yep. Blanked again. Opened another photos from his mum but not my msg. I called then as his kid is mischievous and he likes face timing but he's declined my calls.


He said he's not addicted,right? What's so hard to reassure your wife? This whole thing sucks and it's a sham.

 

This is how my frigging life is now. This is the shyt that consumes me.

He replies he's a bit drunk watching some match in bar and selfies and that 'sorry he won't read my long message as he a bit drunk and I like to go around a bit.' (True that bit).

I said it short :" don't watch porn tonight babe". He then said "OK no porn. Your wish is my commAnd". Then I repeated it A few times and he said he got it, OK madam, he won't.

What am I, the watchman? I can't wait to frigging talk about my boundaries and if need be draw them on paper, make a song of them, as this shyte is making me compulsive obsessive and all the rest. All I want is a fulfilled partnership, a two way thing. I don't even want to control him as control puts me off. I didn't even care about porn before I got so unfulfilled sexually. I hate that I have to tell someone what to do but I guess that's communication too, right

 

Someone inhere mentioned the recoverynation website and I just had a thorough look. Shall bookmark it and do the partners' bit there.
Something worth to remember from there for me is this:

Begin with you
Whether your partner's addiction involved affairs, prostitution, molestation or 'just' masturbation or 'just' porn...you have lost a part of yourself as a result. A part of your innocence, your esteem, your stability, your ability to trust, your ability to invest yourself, your ability to experience intimacy: all of these values have been damaged in one way or another. And these are just a few of the inevitable consequences — you will explore many more in the lessons to come. Your healing depends on your ability to recognize these consequences and reverse the damage that has been done — sometimes with scars, sometimes leaving values stronger than they have ever been. Your healing must begin with reclaiming your life; reclaiming your identity; taking back what has been taken from you. It cannot begin by you trying to understand/control/support his addiction/recovery. In fact, you would do well to suspend any pressure you may have to make decisions on the fate of your relationship until you have rebuilt what has been damaged. Healing requires you to build a foundation for your life that is NOT dependent on the success of your partner's recovery. The workshop will walk you through this process, but it is important to know why you are doing it. It is because it is in YOUR best interest to do so. This is about YOU, not your partner and not your partner's addiction.

Once you have done this — once you have built a relatively strong foundation for managing your own life, you are then safe to begin exploring your partner's addiction/recovery with the inherent vulnerability and risk that accompanies such effort. Again, the workshop will walk you through this as well.

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/partners_workshop_contents.php

 

Just logging this, lest my selective memory will fail me and if I need to reread it. SO saying he's back at hotel watching "crazy stupid love" the movie and thinking about me. Logging it to distinguish patterns later in our dynamic. It seems to me I allow myself to get into emotional turmoil assuming the absolute worst before I wait for the fact check. I know it's understandable but need to keep a check on it as to not waste precious emotional energy being swamped in negAtivity. I had this tendency in all my relationships, but it quickly faded away As trust established with the partners. I tend to obsess a bit I think. And it's not helping me at all. Possibly fear of abandonment . Not sure yet. Just logging this.

 

Today I can glimpse something new. I mean I can internalise something new ..if only for short bits of time. Apart from his disconnect right Fromm the beginning and anything to do with him, I forgot bits of myself. If I wasn't so distracted by his good sides I wouldn't have compromised... I was all dazzled by our ability I thought to talk about anything and analyse stuff and move on. We praised eachotber for this "skill". After all sorts of storms we always came together to talk about what happened seemingly both with the intention to understand, to learn and to move on. When I felt neglect, I over -rid it... I rationalized it and I placed the blame on me for sexual inadequacy. I can't wait to have that talk with him. I feel so calm and clear in my head. I can't help him if he doesn't want to. Even if he wants my help, I can't forget myself trying to help help help him. The only way fornthid ton work or to split amicably and with less pain is with honesty


Edit.
Been focusing on myself as much as I could the firstvhakf of the day. I mean not let the whole story swim in my head. I mean it's still there but I focused on the physical sensations I felt about it rather than on taking to methodologically review everything and try to find some logic. I identified a trigger : no message for me today from him (perfectly normal) but a message for his mum to do some shopping for him as we leave tomorrow. Nothing wrong with that. I felt sick again to point of vomit. All thoughts of he doesn't care came back. If he cared he'd message me ,right? Although I can't do his shopping here as I don't know the country well. Felt my breathing going fast to point of becoming dizzy. Excused myself to bathroom as we were in a mall. And just tried to breathe through it all focusing on my sensations. Then I realised : that was a trigger for me. I think I might have some abandonment (fear of) issues. The other nights when I came on this forum and so many helped me get some peace and some sleep as they were here...they made me feel less lonely and abandoned. It helped so much. Of course my SO was asleep and generally nowhere near capable of being soothing. But I had always thought...at least in the last year's from before meeting him...that o was fairly same and reflective and we'll balanced. Guess not..

Another afterthought to keep perspective.

Saw I do nothing and he does nothing and we continue this mess. What will happen ...his sons will bring home gjrlfirends ofxoirse teens.. is my husband gonna fantasise about them sexually? Of course itd a repulsive thought. But dopamine and addiction doesn't work on moral compass. What would he do, rub one out thinking of his sons gf? This is real. This is serious.if I ask him this of course he will show me a repulsive face and demeanor. Probably saying I should know him better. But I know him

 

I'm.giving him the benefit of doubt until we talk. It is amazing now ton realise How I put up with him being distant and evasive. I had no boundaries! How messed up is this... him owning up to watching too much porn about 3yrs ago, I remember now how he had a folder of clicked photos from our seaside holiday....or girls without bras on the beach! He insisted always taking me to nudist beaches and you know what? I was so confident in my body my sexuality I trusted him and so with him I went. There was no question in my mind that I wasn't a good enough woman with a good enough body that I loved. It's actually mAking me sick thinking about it now. Then he told me he just stopped watching porn.... just like that. If he stopped watching porn, then why hasn't invested himself emotionally in us? If he didn't want me or like me anymore, then why affectionate cuddles (not much sex... at all), why long chats ... why want to leave me pregnant once... then twice... why hasn't he stopped the relationship before we had kids. The pieces are there... it makes me vomit. It's so obvious to me. And all this time I let slide yet a bit more of me by allowing the distant look in his eyes... him rejecting my advances to the point I gave up.. I actually thought he was asexual at one point and I lost respect for him. But I didn't see this all :-(. Otherwise we connected so amazingly it just didn't cross my mind.
I am following the schedule on recovery nation now and I see just how I let my boundaries slip... it sickens me the thought of not realising this earlier.
After reading so much about it as well as research I just can't buy the idea that he just stopped watching porn then (well he still watches) and he isn't addicted. He has come forward with nothing emotion wise in the last years. He told me BTW that I'm overreacting this...that I always do it..that I came on this forum and got so worried that I lost touch with reality...that was last time we touched on it. It just makes sense: if you enjoy voyeurism (some videos I found on his PC last week about it), and young teen blondes, and you historically actually took photos of them when you were with your wife on beaches, then don't tell me you wouldn't see your sons teen girlfriend in a sexualised way late at night when alone with yourself. Or worse, using your wife's body.
It just doesn't make sense. He says he's Al was Yb had ED .. well I know on holidays and when we were trying to conceive he had no problems O in my vagina. God knows what he thought of,.for if it was me I would have felt it in the foreplay or in the sensuality and care afterwords. But yes a bit of P abstinence on holidays helped him get the job done. And I'm pregnant again with this guy. I want to destroy my body I feel so dirty so so dirty and used. I am.ruminating now I know but it's coming back now...pieces of puzzle. He always talked about having a second kid and I smiled telling him it's frigging hard with one, can't you see we don't sleep at night, we sleep separately mostly, he needs us so much in the day too? Then I asked jokingly howcome he isn't put off by this... what am.I, a human carcass a child carrier? He smiled nonchalantly and jokingly said back "yes". I didn't register just how ducked up that was. I let slide so many bits of myself that I accepted what he said as a joke and moved on without questioning. Anytime I went very upset with lack of intimacy he just told me he can't fulfill my needs that I'm very demanding.. he just isn't an emphatic person and I am too emphatic. I feel so so corrupted and dirty



Infacf during our first pregnancy in the early second trimester we took a long seaside holiday as last proper holiday before baby to south of France. He suggested and we actually drove to some campus nudist beaches for he researched them... only that last moment I cave out as it was too hot for my pregnant body. I can bet all.my chips he didn't want to go there just to sunbathe. This is fucked up.

 

Now I wound myself up. I want to have a cigarette. I quit long ago and I had lapses during times of stress. Never ever during pregnancy or around baby. Last relapse was when I had flown with my then 1year old kid alone from India all the way to Europe, the hours waiting for connecting flight to another country (not so developed). Kid was distressed I was so tired after long haul. 20 mins before landing in my home town there, pilot announces there's fog and we'll land 350km away. That's 4-5 hrs by bus there. I ran out of baby food, had few cash and only a card that didn't working always. After an extra 16hrs I reached my hometown with my kid. When he went to sleep I asked my dad to go buy me cigarettes. He hadn't seen me for a while and therefore stressed and relieved too that we made it. So he sent and got me a pack. I went on the balcony and smoked about 7 one after the other, crying and shaking with tiredness thirst. Since then I had the occasional one when my kid was napping in his room at home. That's what happens when you relapse. You go back to it even a little bit.

Husband never liked me smoking and asked me to stop many times and I had no krobkem with that becAuse I don't need to smoke and at least he cares.
But now I just want to smoke. I don't want to know there's the baby inside me. I hate all this I just wanna end it all

 

Confrontation happened.it's exactly like the bloody script everyone mentions. Short version as tired and long haul flight with kid tomorrow.
He came late from work trip. When he asleep I checked him phone. I know in shouldn't cos it makes me sick but I did. Squeaky clean internet history . But by now you know I'm neurotic. I comb through everything. Apps everything. In short: one app that codifies files and has them secret under password...and where last week I found the cookies from the teens website has a password now. And through a tube download (plenty of it on his phone..vnC.. etc the guy is a techie. He can hide files on SD card _who needs an SD cOd for phone..he doesn't take photos), see the laptop at home, other laptops etc.anyway on that tube download site I reached the teen website and the search box had 3 previously typed entries : teen blonde bait. Naked yoga.czexk massage.

Felt sick I woke him whispered those words in his ear. Came out in living room shaking.

He comes later and in short (I'll develop when time)
- acts surprised angry asking me why do I have to do this to ruin things in our last night in India
- throws his phone on floor and the screen smashes and bits fly around- my fault I always do This to him he says
- I always bring bad moods when everything just started to be fine
- when we reach back to London he'll hand me the divorce papers cod he's not happy and me neither
- that I don't trust him. Why check through his phone
- he used those sites ages ago and only one time he pmo but last week.

I exploded with my side short version
- trust? I approach you sleepy no sex.
- I see you pmo all the time
- fucks with my mind I'm a sexy woman in a sexless marriage
- porn hurts I compare myself to the teens. I can fucking do yoga too. I'm pregnant but for the record I haven't let myself go. Plenty of men out there with pregnancy fetish or any guy to satisfy me sexually. And at home I get a limp dick as if im some inappropriate Thing? Fuck you. That many times I just needed to type 'hi' to a couple of guys form my past and I'd have been laid within 48 hours. Can he blame me? No sex for me at home hes too busy getting limp with teenage kids. Eyes closed during sex? Telling me not to talk during sex? WTF I had guys less phisiclsly endowed than him they made me O becAuse they were there. Why am I staying with an asexual man who fucks with my mind but doesn't know how to fuxk me. He can fuxk pixels on a screen and in a tissue till his eyeballs come out.

He calmed down said what's the me t step. He said OK OK tried to stop my torrent so what's the next step. No appologycy no nothing. His reason was why do I have to do this now when we need sleep before the long travel.
I said because I am going crazy! I am pregnant hormonal and can see I'm taken for an idiot here .
He said he wants to work though this. Solution is when at home and all settled and rested after jet lag gone we sit and work out what the fuck to do.
Said he loves me but hates me at the same time. Told him I love him and hate his porn and I'm gonna give this his talk chance. But im not gonna stay in a marriage where he is sexually Into other things than me.

 

Lol well if I saw that maybe I'd have thought twice about going on his phone. You are right. My babies are here. OMG what a crazy mess

 

Thank you so much. I'm so grateful for you guys here.words can't express.

 

He woke this morning and came over to my side of bed and gave me a cuddle. I have hope for this man he is not an idiot I have hope he will see the wood for the trees. But phew it feels so good to have it all in the open now.

 

So I'm hit with anxiety. Anyway in the flight home he found a moment to talk to me. Says he doesn't want me to go to S (the guy I mentioned that he is a platonic friend and was on the verge of contacting a few times but didn't do it). I told him that him only can push me to have sex outside the marriage and accept another man in my life that overtly and obviously makes his intentions of an honest relationship clear to me ND I deserve that. I think that's got to him. Said that he started porn again when I fell pregnant with my first kid and we had a difficultnfirt year with baby and No way he could have approached me. I agree but at the same time I think _ well you ha DIY easier...porn escapism. Anyway he says he has been neglecting me and wants to put it right and knows I need time ton heal but he will show me everything gonna be alright. I said that it's been shattering and I lost parts of myself, of my confidence, of my sexual confidence . Told him Hosni knew all along but blamed myself. Etc. Felt better after that talk.

Anyway fast forward at home after the long flight..unpacking a bit etc... he had been more nice to me. Kid fast asleep in bed he told me to come and snug with him in our bed, but if I want to sleep with our son that's OK, he tells me he's not gonna wank tonight cod he knows I'm worried about it. So I said yes I'm worried but also I want to cuddle too. He also said he is not tired at all so took a beer with him.So we went to watch some TV. I don't trust anymore. He said in the flight he feels good when he is trusted by me..and I smiled . I did trust him. But only half truths. So it's not like the words he won't use porn and that's bad for us came out of his mouth. I'm convinced he thinks he's cracked a middle way now in which helps attentive and god forbid I should take awaybhis freedom to wank in peace to porn every now and then. Still the big talk hasn't happened.
So I had a bit of time to mull over the parts of myself that I feel I lost or are very damaged. And what I can do to restore them. Sexuality is one of them. Trust and intimacy another ones. I feel backlogged. Wanted years. So as a consequence of that I decided to have him do stuff to me the way I liked it and just literally use a man's touch to go inside my head and see how I feel about sex and bodies and all.
So last night tired and everything I told him to use his hand on me. On short he did it, I tried to use him. I thought "let's have aN experiment. Let's see what this man can do for me at this moment in time. If I ask, what will he do? How do I feel about him and the way he touches me? What is it most for me, I need him or I need sexual release or I need both? Or more? Or less? Let's assess". He did it the way I asked him etc. For ages lol. At the end he wasn't aroused at all. At all. So I didn't say anything. But I helped him with instructions through some anger masochistic streak. Asked him to keep his eyes open. He did and didn't...but I kept asking him. Then again...I ask.him to do this do that. Like he's a robot. Obliging but no intention from him. Can't say he hated it ..more like he tried his best at something he knew he was awkward at. He says he prefers HJ to BJ. So then I ask him to have sex. He obliged politely.

It was if when you ask a little boy "honey bring me my shoes old" and he obliged "OK. " and duly followed. During intercourse again I asked him to keep his eyes open. It was such a masochistic experience for me but I needed to do it. Masochistic because I opened myself again to the risk of being refused .It was obvious he was trying his best but he doesn't know how. It was obvious he finds it hard to be jntimate. It was obvious he employed that porn psyche where you pretend to be all turned on, taken by your impulses, huffing and puffing here and there and trying as fast as possible to O. So I tried to keep him there just to see. Made him look at me for ages.. poor bloke... and literally felt like I used him. Just told him to keep going slowly no rush and just to look at me. When I felt like saying something to him (not some role play shit,.just whatever I felt like saying - _ your hair looks nice/not this way etc , I said it. I didn't keep quiet anymore as he had asked me in the past. I relaxed into myself. Eventually he O inside me. Huge surprise. But I know better. He couldn't PMO during last days. Doubt he M at all in the last 3 days. Ofcpirse O now after that bit of abstinence.
And after the whole thing, very polite with me very calm very nice.. wanted to sleep. That's all fine! But I felt he is a machine. He doesn't know how to be intimAte. He just mentioned so matter a fact that he didn't have sex on the cards for tonight but he's surprised it happened. As if when you say " how peculiar... I never thought auntie Frieda would return those books, but she did ." I thought well I made you do it. And sometimes you don't schedule being intimate.
Anyway I feel shit the next day. The work on myself just started. The times of ultimatums has arrived. At the first acceptable opportunity I will give him the book your brain on porn without much ado and tiring talk. We got the gist by now.

 

Yep. Not convinced it's worth it at all. I mean yeah you could say journeys in mArriages and all that and people are forced into growing from all this rubbish . But to go into it knowing this devil is there.. don't do it to yourself.

 

In short. I'm elated.
In very short: wants to read the book. The video of Gary Wilson makes sense. Open to try my suggestions as historically I've been wise about suggestions. Loves me he knows he's been wrong. Thinks he might be a bit addicted(in percentages) but definitely worth enquiring more as he knows that his previous behaviour wasn't good for us. Wants to read the book 'your brain on porn' if only to be aware of stuff. Came around thinking he might might be a little bit addicted. Doesn't want to lose us. Told him about experiences from hisbforum and how I deduced and concluded he needs a heads up. Just too similar the experiences. There's nothing more I can do now at this stage. Talked about intimacy and not shouting each other out and how much one grows when they share and trust fully someone else.
My goal now is after this feeling of being elated fades, to continue in my journal with the activities for partners from recovery nation as they help I think.
Told him there's things we can do without penetrative sex that can help (fanos etc) but slowly when the time comes. I don't want to be the manager of change. I'll show him the direction and support him if he goes that way. But now I feel elated.
Bless he is a bit naive I think. He thought after 3ish weeks of abstaining from.porn it won't feel uncomfortable anymore. Told him it seems it s a bit different than that as documented by recent research and people's experiences. He wants to learn all he can.

 

Today it hurts. It's like I get these waves of deep deep sorow and grief and anxiety really regularly these days. I usually wake up with them and somehow they dissipate. During the last days he's been able to spot when I drowned in my mind and that created an opportunity for reaching out and some talking. I think some of it is pregnancy hormones too. I just feel bits in me have died inside and I have been lvign a lie. THis is not what I htought mariage and a life with someone would be. It hurts so bad as if someone died. I think I died a little bit. I feel I have been humiliated to an extend just because I was so not aware of it. Like a fool. Like an idiot. It's my fault too for not keeping my eyes open. But I love my son and havebeen dedicated to him 1000%. What else to do. My baby needed me and still needs me. He actually made his needs known and it was clear.. It was easy to be a mum and into my child. But to know now that whenever I asked for qualty time and intimacy or alluded /or said clearly I am horny or lets have a cuddle.. to know now that I was seen as chewed gum. It hurts my pride and my soul. It's just the whole illusion. If I didnt brig this up, status quo would have been OK. What a waste of life. How did I allow this to happen. M
Last night after we put our kid to sleep I was hanging out with him although sleepy too. Eventually my sleepiness faded off. But he kept reassuring me that I can go to sleep, that he is not going to watch porn. He says he feels he is feeling watched all the time. BUt apparently he is ok wiht it and understands why.
He's always framed things in crisis as if it was somehow my decsion or my fault. THis time I haven't seen that (yet). I have alwasy taken responsibility and acknowledged to him whenever he had some criticisms against me. But this this I feel he broke us. I feel it is his fault. ANd I feel it is entirely his responsibility to put the pieces back together. What happened cut through my deepest wounds that I had thought I had patched in my life. It is my responsibility to take care of those wounds as some I have brought in my mariage in the way of becoming a full rounded person. But I never thought I would be exposed to this degree. All my insecurities. Some new. I was so naive to enter marriage with the most open heart and so much joy and passion. It just wasn't needed by my husband.

During a conversation in the last few days when we were trying to work out what exactly happened along the years, he said that he sees things as two separate entities: one his addiction before i busted him the first time, which he stopped, and second, his failure to do much or aything at all to reconnect after the baby arrived. HE says they are separate but if i see them as one thing, then yes they are a problem.
Ad there was a bit of bullshit as well as we opened up to what we felt and thought back in the day. Apparently he felt rejected a few times by me and didt approach me frther as was afraid of rejection. And, that I always said I liked sex very much but he has't seen much of it. I didn't answer then as kid with us and in public space. But women give hints, they are approachable . It's your job as a man to follow through . Especially if woman is married to you. pretty safe scenario, isnt it. Also.. I do think I made more advances on him than he ever did on me. And I have have been told he's tired a million of times until I learnt to pretend 'it's no biggie... i just need a cuddle.. no sex'.

What kind of relationship is this.

I feel the only way things can get better is that he is there for me though all these hccups and my angst. I am workin gon myself but the whole thing is because of him, and in relation to him. I feel that the minute he checks out and pushes back and tells me he feels im doing some sort of injustice to him, or something along that theme, I feel I will check out . Emotionally this is the last straw. For me to be at peace and let everything go and move on without him, he only needs to bullshit me a little tiny little bit more. I realise I have been married to the resemblance of a man. To a pappet to an extent, I don't mean ay offense to him. The intimacy bit ..I realise now what an injustice it's been. And how many times i reached out to him . and how many times i was emotionally avaiable and caring and there.. and ofcourse how many times I was snappy and upset. I dont know what to do I don't know what to feel.
Yesterday we went out for lunch with the kid. it was wonderful and thats when we had the chat about the book 'your brain on porn'. At home in the garden we were hanging out and he kissed me. It felt wonderful and intimate and it was a different energy. It felt we conected for that bit. It felt that his love and intentions were there beyound words etc. It felt wonderful. And I felt sad after a while. Because.. this is what I thought it was going to be in my marriage. MOments like this, sprinkled along days, months, years. Growing together. Moments like this when I could actualyl feel he was there. It's just so confsing.