SO's addiction therapist says partner's trust comes back in 4-5 years???

I asked my counsellor that same question as well, he's never met my girlfriend but I've told him how she is that she doesn't trust me with words with actions etc and he said he doesn't blame her. When I asked him how long it would be he just looked at me and said I honestly don't know it could be a year few months, it all depends on me proving to my girlfriend that I've changed. To reassure her everyday how my progress is doing. That in time will eventually earn my girlfriends trust back. So 4-5 years is pushing it if it does take that long then he may not be taking it seriously. He should make it a goal to earn your trust back within a year. That's my goal

 

Hi I'm a SO whose partner has PIED and I in around the same time frame he's been PMO free for 8 weeks now. I want to start by saying I have found some counselors can be very damaging to a relationship where a PMO addict is involved if they don't have experience in it. I think you definitely need to go together. It's hard to tell if your partner is being truthful with you about what the counselor said and if he's being honest with the counselor. Remember she's only hearing one side and PMO addicts have a tendency to be very selfish and they leave out a lot of details. My partner is so bad he actually rewrites history. It's not just a skewed view it's the opposite of what happened totally! He came out of his second session saying the counselors conclusion was that our whole problem was me being needy. I said huh did you tell her what happened about you lying and the porn he said yes she said that's no big deal. I know that's not true so be careful about what is relayed to you about what happens in counseling.

I think the answer to how long it takes the betrayed person to fully regain trust is a complex one that can't be answered in a general statement. I suspect that the counselor gave him the longest time possible to build within him patience. Most addicts mine included wave the SO to move on in a few weeks and that's not possible. I think the honest answer to the addict is as long as your partner needs. Imagine if she had told him six months? He would be at that six month mark holding you to it no? The counselor said six months! So don't be discouraged by her giving him a long time frame.

Personally I do not see PMO as infidelity it's okay if others do I just don't. I would not forgive infidelity but I suspect if for whatever reason I decided to it would take longer than five years. But it's still a huge breaking of trust.

How long has it gone on for? Did he come to you and tell you or did you catch him? Did he stop immediately? How many times has he relapsed? Does he lie about other things? Is he otherwise a good partner? Is he sorry? Is he defensive? Is he angry at you? Is he blaming you? Have you been lied to by past partners or loved ones? How long have you been together? All of this factors in.

There is just not one set time frame and addicts are looking for there to be. They want to know that if they work hard eventually all the trust will be as before but it may not. They need to accept they may be working towards a goal that will never be acheieved and work their butts off. Some won't do that. They want to be reassured but our answer is we don't know if we will ever trust you again and so many addicts say what's the point of even trying?

The addict needs to focus hard on regaining trust and not get mad when we are asking questions and not believing the answer I mean what do they expect? My partner said well I would be over this a lot sooner if I were you. My response was oh really so you have been in the exact situation as me? No he has not. Part of the pushing for you to forgive is them minimizing what they did in their heads. They compartmentalize and say I only lied to her about this one thing and I was always truthful about everything else and that may actually be true, so why can't she trust me? They need to understand that broken trust means your words are meaningless.

So I guess don't look for a set time frame and don't allow him to either. For me the honest answer is I will never trust him the way I once did. That is gone forever. I do think I can grow to trust him but there will always be an inkling as to whether or not he is lying or PMOing. That could be unique to me. The scar on our relationship will always be there unfortunately. Good luck!

 

When you really think like "wait for 4-5 years", then you can better disconnect already today.
To my experience, all "waiting" is only a loss of time. Either you do something right now, or it will never happen.

In a partnership, it only counts what you are actually doing together.
Time spent together creating a breakfast, talking, time spent together on a travel trip, a house built together, etc.

A good partnership consists of two persons who can fully care for themselves, without needing the other.
This is the fundament and basis. When such persons come together, they will respect each other, and a great synergy can arise. This is adding quality to life, like a sparkle.

On the other hand, when you always have the feeling like you must "push and pull" all the time, then something is wrong.

BTW, this is true for any good working team, music bands, sports teams, dancers, etc.
In life, you can think and analyze forever, but finally it only counts what you are doing and producing. It's all about producs and results.

Finally: In 25 years, I did various counseling, and the best I ever did was a few hypnosis sessions. It gave me such a deep relaxation, that this deeply rebuilt my inner confidence and inner trust, and I found solutions by myself. It actually healed me completely from chronic depressions, which is like a wonder, and it improved my self discipline.

 

I guess I'm not sure what you are suggesting that the partner do? Act like everything is fine and immediately trust again because otherwise they are wasting time and not working as a team? If so I'm sorry but that's just not realistic or fair to the SO and I think if a PMO addict took that type of stance it's a sure fire way to get the SO not to forgive. Sure the couple should do fun things together and share time together but the SO is going to be different she's probably going to be angry, unhappy, sad suspicious and this will come and go. Often times my partner would say I just want the old you back never realizing she's no longer here because he took her for granted for years. That's not to say that the SO should sulk and be miserable for years 24/7 if they decide to stay and forgive that's not helpful but the addict needs to grasp that his actions have changed his SO permanently. No matter if she is able to forgive and move on she is scarred forever by his actions. In recognizing that the addict takes full responsibility for his actions and does not get upset with the SO. And a note on being a team. In most relationships with a PMO addict the SO has been playing as part of a team for years but her addict partner has not only not been part of her team he's been playing on an entirely different team against team relationship. So she's been making decisions that further the goals of the team and he's been doing the exact opposite. She's likely become tired and frustrated over the years at pulling the weight on her own, not realizing she actually was but unable to figure out why no matter how hard she tried her efforts were failing. So see now that she knows why the efforts failed you cannot expect she's going to be willing to continue to carry that load or even give 50% to it. It's the addicts time to take that over. Whether the relationship recovers from his actions is 90% based on his behavior. If he's not willing to put that time in for however long it takes then it will fail. And I don't see it as a waste of time to work hard to obtain forgiveness. In fact the only person that has wasted time may be the SO who stayed in a relationship trying to help a man who was lying to her for years.

 

I suggest immediate action.

Either team up right now (do things together, today), or disconnect right now.
But not "wait". Waiting is a mental anticipation of a disconnect. If they wait, they will disconnect sooner or later anyway.

 

Sorry that's an unrealistic and unreasonable demand to place on the SO and if those were the only two choices the majority of the SO on here would leave their addict partners.

 

I don't think that's realistic. Sometimes waiting means allowing time for emotions and feelings to be fully processed. Can't just press a button and move on.

 

You can always press a button. What are you doing together this easter weekend?

Everytime you do something together, you're pressing a button which will melt you together more closely. Everytime you let lose, the distance between you two will be increasing.

 

Reality is that most SO of addicts are splitting up after years.
If they do not, then the relationship becomes only a shell.

SOs are so-called co-dependents. They are attracted by the addict, because they are weak, they have no own goals, and thus, they prefer to "sacrifice" themselves to the addict.

They often have a kind of "helper's snydrome", which means that own goals are put behind the goals of the addict.

But sooner or later, they realize the mechanism.
Then they want to escape, but whenever they try, the addict jumps up and gets extremely emotional. Even threats with murder or suicide.

The SO then feels threatened or feels like an "egoist", and does not dare to move on.

So it takes takes years until the SO is really strong enough and finally splits up and moves on.

 

Totally... but a lot of buttons to Press... it takes time!

 

Sorry dude but this is just not how it works. And honestly it's not helpful to us SO at all to diminish our pain or the gravity of

So I suppose your SO left you? I don't think the only options are forgive and move on immediately or break up later on down the road. Also not all SOs are dependent. I suspect in the scenario you describe the SO eventually left because the partner refused to allow her the time she needed to move forward. As a result the wound was never able to heal and the pain followed her and the relationship forever. So yes it will take time to heal and yes the addict will need to be patient but if they do and if they are true healing will occur and strengthen the relationship. If the SO is pushed to push some button and quickly move the relationship will indeed fail.

 

It is helpful - therapy does not work by soothing and caressing you, it works by shaking you up.
You need to feel your fears and then take your life into your hand, make decisions.
Sorry dude, this is the way how it works!

But when you further want to run away of your pain - ok, ignore me, drink, wank, use facebook ...

No it's rather me being her "SO", not the other way round.
I left her three times, but she clasped on me and blackmailed me with suicide threats.
Also her life is total chaos - big financial misery, legal problems, ...

I feel guilty for her, because I feel like I seduced her and I'm responsible for her.
In the past I reacted with fleeing into PMO.
But meanwhile the interest in PMO has fallen off from me. I see the way in doing my own things and that's my new way to "escape"

OK, you must find your pace. Neither too slow nor too fast.
But it is necessary to wake up from the "sleping beauty slumber" and shake up.

 

One button per day - just do it!

 

Let me start by saying I have mad respect for you as it sounds like you really have been through a lot, and thank you for sharing your experiences. However, I just don't agree with your opinion on this matter at all. I think we just need to agree to disagree. The concern I am not sure that you see if that if a partner of a PMO addict is told either move on now or leave, they will leave. Allowing a partner who has been lied to for years time to rebuild trust, and be in pain is not placating at all. There are many SO on this site, and there are many more PMO addicts. It is not helpful to the PMO addict if the SO thinks she must either move on and deal with it or leave, because as I said she will leave and I don't think PMO addicts want that either. Good luck!

 

You are escaping from taking action.
You are looking for an "easy" solution, but there is no such.
Either you change something, or you stay in an emotional lockdown.

 

Again will we just have to agree to disagree on this matter. Best of luck to you on your journey!

 

I even disagree to this, and I reject your wish. I don't want to have luck - I want to make luck.
Your wish of luck is another expression of being helpless. It's a kind of hoping for a lottery win or the prince to come by on his white horse.
But the truth is: Become responsible for your own life. Decide, work, take action. And then you will get luck, and you will become a lucky human person.