Pretty long introduction.

Hello. I'm a female, 18, and I've just made an account here because I'm desperate. I've been trying to quit for a year and a half now and I've been failing miserably. And lately it got even worse, I'm starting to lose the will to even try -to be honest, I doubt I truly had it in the first place- I'm not trying half as hard as I used to, and I hate myself for it. I'm going to share my story hoping, praying it will help, even a little bit.

My history with MO goes wayyyy back. I started when I was five. (Can five-year-old kids even orgasm?) back then I obviously had no idea what the hell I was doing, but I did know two things. One, it was wrong. Two, it was fun as hell. And maybe the fact that it was so wrong is what made it so tempting. If you're wondering how a five-year-old would feel guilty about something she doesn't understand, that's because my mom caught me, multiple times, scolded me and told me it was extremely unhealthy without ever giving me a reason. So I would feel very bad for doing what I did, but it never stops me from doing it again... and crying after.

The strangest thing is, I actually remember the first time I ever did it quite clearly, and I recall that for some twisted reason, I was thinking about fatness. Am I born with a fat fetish? Or did I develop it after that day? I'll probably never know but anyways, you get the point. For thirteen years I've been masturbating while thinking of fat, gaining, tightening and everything that has to with those things. I've NEVER watched porn. Ever. It might have been easier for me to stop if I did. But now I get the urge to masturbate by merely mentioning the word 'fat' (yes, it's that bad) I get it when I gain weight, when my friends talk about losing weight, when someone, never mind their gender is wearing their shirt a little too tight, when a freaking book character is talking about weight gain/loss. It's terrible. And it's ruining my life. You probably understand that I don't hate my fat fetish for what it is, I just hate how severe I have it. How normal everyday things can affect me in a way that makes me ashamed of myself.

Now that you get the picture, I have one more thing to add. Until the age of sixteen/seventeen, MO for me was more of an addiction than anything. I would do it when the urge got too much and that's it. But a year and a half ago, when I googled masturbation and read more about it, I decided to stop. The main reason is because it's a sin in my religion and that makes me feel even worse, the other is because it'll ruin my sex life. So I started to take the matter seriously but the furthest I'd got was 30 days clean and then I relapsed. And then 30 days became 20, and twenty became two weeks, and two weeks became two days, and I was back where I started. With even less motivation.

So I joined NoFap hoping it would make me a better person. Everyone here seems so friendly and there are a lot of success stories. I hope I can write mine one day. I'm sorry for the long introduction but getting this off my chest feels really good. Thank you for your time and I hope you're not too bored with me already.

 

Hey there, thank you for being so nice. I do hope we can get over this together too. I guess the whole point of this community forum is to find people who understand you and ready to support you. It's good to know I'm not alone to be honest. And yes after a PMO session it feels pretty terrible, I just hope we get rid of this.

It would be great to have someone to talk to, so yes I might bother you some time haha, and of course you can message me whenever you need someone to talk to, hipefully we'll be good for each others

 

Wow, you understand me better than I do myself. Can't thank you enough for this. There are a lot of things that I understand better now and I will definitely be checking out that website and the woman reboot's section. Your reply gave me all the motivation I needed to be honest.

 

Thank you! My strategy is gathering the willpower to stop PMO forever by connecting to the people here and reading the success stories and everything. And participating in reboot challenges. (It may not sound like a solid plan but hey I joined this site to learn)

 

I don't even know why it starts at such a young age. But I guess all that matters us that we're trying to stop and not giving up. And yes it does ruin one's life, it's terrible. It's an addiction really hard to get rid of and the problem is you get sucked in before you know it. Also I'm glad you say my plan is good, that's relieving haha. Congratulations on doing 15 days! And it's your longest streak this year too, this is great. You can do it. You survived two weeks then you can do two more and then hopefully you'll be able to stay PMO clean forever. Good luck!