Day 1, thoughts and concepts.

Fetish porn has ruined my sense of humanity and self-worth.
I feel this is my depression manifesting itself in the destruction of others.
This is a 60% mental addiction and 40% physical desire...and 100% a pathetic habit.

What's worse is I've slept with the hottest blondes in my area, I've hooked up with the little stacked brunettes and have enjoyed curvy busty girls with outstanding assets.

I feel more pathetic than most for the fact pussy is at my disposal. I'm not manipulative, but cute enough, patient enough and read girls well enough to make an early decision of whether or not there's something to pursue.

In my younger years there were competitions between local 'alpha males' (which are now beta and cringe worthy sex-obsessed sociopaths) and ran the number of girls I slept with up to the 40's by by 24.

That number isn't something to brag about I realize. It's shockingly embarrassing once a basic moral compass and concepts of 'self worth' are brought to the table.

Getting the pussy I wanted, on top of porn as some kind of 'inspiration' has lead to destruction (obviously)

My current girlfriend pleases me in every way imaginable, and she's the sweetest thing.
She doesn't deserve someone who has such a problematic lifestyle.

It's even worse when I decide to rub one off while she's sleeping. Straight scumbag status.

I'm taking nofap seriously for as long as it fucking takes.
I am disgusted with my behavior...I have such talent and skills that are suffering due to this awful hobby that I engage in for temporary release which ends up ruining my imagination and real thoughts on matters.

I need a better focus, I need more engagement, I need to be spoken to and I want to discuss things with.

I will continue to admit and admit and admit over and over and upon admission of a faux shot at happiness I will come here and open my soul wide open.

I'm no good at hiding how I feel, in fact I think feelings are they key to growth...as we are human.

I've had 4-5 awful relationships before this one and there's definitely suppressed anger and misogyny that isn't handled in an adult fashion.

I feel the need to blog and write about this instead of engaging in it.
I hope I am welcome here!

 

Sexual preference include what you look for in a girl or the qualities you prefer.
Fetishes include pain/bodily fluids/asphyxiation/sexual deviance in my eyes.

re: watersports, excessive gagging/salivating/puking etc. are toxic to enjoy and show dysfunction. Thinking fetishes are some kind of key kink or something 'different' is a cover for the fact your rational mind is thinking in the wrong direction.

Also, I can't see my post, where is it?!