Public Jizzing Shame Story: Mental/Physical Struggles Late in the Game

So, I'll start off by letting everyone know I'm on day 734. Yeah, seven hundred and thirty-four. In the sense of not following through on the particular vice of PMO, I have regained my willpower and do not particularly feel at risk for relapsing ever again, that's the good part. But I am here to tell you the rest, this is kind of a cry for help/advice but also a much needed message to send all who are on the earlier stages of the path about how serious this is.

Spoiler: Very triggering

As I said, I think I'm no longer at risk for relapsing, but here's what's going on. First note that I am supposed to be writing a paper (I'm in graduate school) right now, but here I am needing to say this instead. While working on my paper, I got hungry and tired so I went to grab lunch and some coffee... no problem yet. I got my coffee after confidently interacting with the cute cashier at Starbucks and even making her giggle at something I said. Still sounds great doesn't it? Next I went into the deli a few doors down to get a sandwich on my way back to the library...

When I went to the cash register to pay, there was a fairly long line, and I found myself behind a beautiful blonde bombshell, tall and slender in a somewhat form fitting short dress and high heels. I just went about my business after acknowledging her existence, determined not to gawk or anything else that would constitute objectifying her if I didn't plan to start a conversation. But then she looked back, actually looked me up and down, and smiled, but turned around before I could even try to say anything. Next thing I know, I feel this intense rush of energy, blood, something raging through my whole body...

Here's where it gets bad. While this is happening throughout the rest of my body, I began to feel a severe sense of tension in my pelvic area, and outward from there to my lower abs and upper thighs... my cock and balls were kind of tingling (balls in an especially uncomfortable way as if something was restrained) and a nervousness came over me. Oh well, I thought to myself, and took a few deep breaths. Now back to the woman...

As all these horrible feelings are going through me, or really a sense of tied up, restrained good feelings trying to burst out of their little prisons all over my body... she turns around again and smiles! And again, she quickly turned back away from me. This time was different though.

She didn't stay so still this time. She began to move around a lot in what seemed like suggestive ways. For a few examples: she would shift her weight all onto one foot so her hip would jut out and her dress would hug her ass (which also showed the outline and color of her thong underwear, black thong under a light colored dress)... and she kept almost looking over her shoulder... then she'd move to the other leg soon enough. She frequently would kind of play with the sides of her dress at her hips, adjusting them and then stretching out by arching her back emphatically too.

Now, back to me... very shortly after I was tuned into her movements after her attention had just been on me, it happens... my cock gets about 75% hard and I feel this uncomfortable feeling in the front of my balls, and my cock is twitching a bunch. Like if you do kegel exercise, imagine if you just started like, unintentionally and spontaneously kegeling or something. This kept happening and random spots on my body where the tension I previously described had been were pulsating and kind of relaxing and retensing.

Then she starts looking over her should again, between episodes of continuing all these movements that if you didn't already get the gist of it, are highlighting her ass and legs. At this point I'm a total mess. The cashier rings her up and she walks away, and I also only had the one item so mine is quick. When she leaves my erection finally gets full, so I'm walking funny on my way out of the deli. Next thing I know she's a few steps ahead going to her car in the same direction I needed to walk. She had been walking normally, but looks back and sees me one more time, waves goodbye, and starts to overtly sway her hips so her ass moves a lot, you know the walk I'm talking about...

So it happens. I feel the pelvic tension dissipating and the cock twitching again but much more severely... and this time I feel jizz all over my left leg.

Summary of problems:

1. Tension rather than relaxation when a woman was flirting with me via body language.
2. Still focused on this event / sex stuff long after when I'm supposed to be doing something else.
3. Jizzed in public.
4. Feelings of weakness/inadequacy tied to my physical experiences: my balls just felt like they weren't full and relaxed the way they used to get, and everything felt tense.

Summary of good things:

1. Did I give off some kind of good "vibe"? I mean, this woman decided to flirt with me when she previously had not even seen me there.


Lesson for all of you:

I am two years and four days free of PMO, and reaping tons of the benefits of that, yet I'm still having experiences that stem from how I once screwed myself over with this bad habit.

Quit now and quit decisively or you will fare way worse.

 

Sorry it's such a long post

 

Lol. No one responds. Guess I should relapse every ten days and post short whiny shit about it instead of succeeding and posting stories and things of intellectual merit about the process. Thanks guys.

 

Update:

Yeah the way I've felt since that happened has made me decide it wasn't bad. Embarrassing for sure, and out of the ordinary, but a good sign. The thing that originally bothered me about it was the pelvic tension... I'm starting to realize just how much PMO starts causing trouble in the dick and the brain and sort of expands out from each and takes over your body. This leads me to the next revelation...

By what I wrote about and what Monster Carrot asked about hidden signals... I have to answer yes... there does seem to be some sort of mysterious vibe that is strengthened by not fapping.

After all, I'm not a particularly physically imposing guy... 6'0'' and about 155lbs. So it's not like someone would hear me slowly walking up behind them as I would to get in line at the grocery store. Also, someone in line there would expect that someone would get in line behind them, so it wouldn't be much reason to turn around.

Since there was nothing loudly audible or out of the ordinary about me getting in line behind this beautiful woman, yet she turned around and smiled about 10-20 seconds after I got there and continued to do so randomly even though I did not say a word to her and was not exactly groomed to my best possible appearance that morning...

I have to conclude that it was something deeper than what the five senses and verbal stuff can do to get someone's attention. I can say that before I ever PMOed (but after puberty), and increasingly so since I quit (starting about after day 200)... whatever this vibe is that we give off has increased for me.

Sounds like hippie stuff, I know haha... but in my experience it is real. Has anyone else experienced it?

 

It's all good, It happens to the best of us . I would say though that you should of had a conversation with her in the deli line... yeah she was in front of you but you could of done it since you were right behind her... Never know how it would of turned out .

 

All I'm saying that I bet you had fun taking your pants and boxers off.

 

Well to O in public is of course embarrassing, although I've read about it many times here and I understand that for some it is a normal part of the recovery process.

The thing that really bothered me and perhaps made it seem like a negative experience when I posted this though... is the pelvic tension. That woman's sexual energy, directed at me in that way, made me realize that my sexual energy is still tied in many knots of guilt, uncertainty, and doubt. I've come a long way and you can read a lot of my posts and see the many benefits I've experienced, but it's like this woman had the female version of something that as a man, I may have given up to PMO. I'm still trying to get whatever that is all the way back. I'm good looking enough and a capable communicator, so it's not the typical reasons for feeling negative feelings around women. I know that this is because of my past of PMO. I have a very good memory too, so I remember what the other side is like.

Pretty much the reason above. I was flattered that she was very likely attracted to me somewhat if she bothered to behave that way, but I felt all these negative feelings at the idea that I might be unlikely to be able to consistently provide the male version of the quality of sexual energy she gave off.

Keep in mind, this is still an improvement... when I was deep in the PMO trench, I now realize I was not feeling female sexual energy at all. Sensory pleasure, yes... sexual energy, no. At this point though, I'm still occasionally insecure about what I can provide. You can find a lot of my positive posts elsewhere but in this case my pelvic region became very tense and all the negative thoughts I have about myself erupted like a volcano inside my mind. I hope she didn't feel it.