Why I can't abstain.

Yoyo, I've already posted a few threads in the past but I keep having the same problem. I wouldn't really say I had a huge addiction in the past, for one year (im 17 yo now) I masturbated daily once and then i discovered nofap and I stopped (for 1.5 years).I guess you could say that's a full reboot eh.? But I decided to go back to fapping, yup. I had to. After one week or a little less I started to be having stress, I felt like my throat was under pressure all the time, I wasn't calm enough to sleep, and the stress just destroyed my interests and my life. I became completely emotionally numb. I lost my humour. Now my question is; Has anyone experienced the same? Would it be so harmful to masturbate without porn? I've started fapping again and I feel way more calm rn (I masturbate twice a week or something). I can see a lack of motivation and energy as well though (although it could be worse, im getting decent sleep ) but its way better than all the stress. So has anyone experienced the same, and knows how to deal with all this stress. Because it makes life pretty much unlivable for me. Or has anyone got tips for motivation and energy? Or contra-stress? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!!
Just want the motivation and the energy yo. (--> confidence as well? ) And I just want my emotions. Because my emotions define me, I wanna feel the emotions!
Have a great day yall!

 

Yeah yeah, I'm lucky enough to know that I can do it and that I got the willpower, that certainly isn't the problem . It's just the problem... I dont really know if I wanna... I ddidn't get the results I was hoping for. Maybe it's as well because I spend too much time on my gsm/pc . I just want a sign that I'm on the right track . I wanna be happy and let my emotions define my life! Right now for the past few months I've been masturbating moderately which helps me (personally) to be more calm and relaxed. The problem was/is that the stress erases all my emotions and that when I don't fap for a longer amount of time I don't feel better. I can't enjoy anything anymore then. I try to think how I need to act when I'm with my friends because I just cant act spontaneously then. I want to feel emotions and affection for someone. But don't get me wrong! I like the concept of nofap. The energy, the motivation,... It's just I wanna see signs that I'm on the good track because the 1.5 years sent me backwarts- sorry- Or if anyone else had all this stress and has tips that can help me.
But thanks for the answers

 

I tried 1.5 year of abstaining. If living without masturbation means that the stress won't ever go away I'd rather fap. However if I can remove the stress without the fapping I'd rather do nofap.

 

Heyhey.
Yeah I've thought about that too. I like to read but not too much. I read like one book per week and I read the journey everyday. I like to listen to music as well, just not that much. I practice athleticism (like all disciplines) twice a week (in group). I go jogging/running apart from that usually once per week. I dont really have a diet but yeah obviously my mom still cooks for me and it's healthy. My BMI is even 14.5 lol im 1 m 90 tall (dunno how much feet that is but above 6 I think) and weigh 55 kg. Apart from that I study Latin-Mathematics which takes a lot of time as well.
Problem is I've already tried most of these mechanisms during my 1.5 years streak. I really used to go running half an hour per day. Problem is that The stress won't go away, and I cant be creative while stressed. I feel like I'm getting more and more sexually frustrated every day. And I can't work/enjoy the coping mechanisms with the stress thats the problem.
But I'll try again. I just don't wanna give up my kinda relaxed mood for 1.5 years of stress again :/