2 weeks after telling my wife. Life is so much better now

I've made a conviction to post to NoFap daily and support others, that's done very well to keep me focused so far, even though I'm at the start of my journey. It's not something that's easy, in fact in may be one of the hardest things each of us commit to in our lives, but I know it'll be worth it. I'm so glad that honesty has saved your marriage and I know things will only improve with time.

 

Good effort! Gives me motivation to quit before it goes on too long, thanks for sharing.

 

I was in the same boat as you. Support is really important. Essential is you getting completely dedicated to changing yourself, your life and your lifestyle. P is part of you if you like it or not. To get rid of it you need to replace all the negativity that is the result of PMO with other things. It doesn't matter if it's running, reading, rioting, resting, racing, ranting or raving (you catch my drift).

Cravings will be huge and come and go unexpected. They will be intense. Over time it will get easier. You have to remember why and for who you are doing this. You got this!

 

I am pretty new to this so take with a grain of salt. I am trying to keep this very simple. When I want to go on a porn website...like when I first wake up in the morning I come here instead and start writing either in my journal section or respond to someone's post. It helps me to just write something. It is better if I can find something insightful or funny or otherwise intrinsically good. But if I cant think of anything like that I just start typing in the journal section. Does this lead to some objectively bad prose? It does. Do I care? I do not. For me it is just about replacing the behavior I am trying to stop when I start to slip into the pattern of it.

This is pretty much my entire strategy. When I want to look at porn on my phone I start writing here.

 

Very courageous of you to tell your wife. It is a huge step to have someone of that importance keep you accountable! Telling my wife helped me a ton and being on here does as well!

The craving's and urges will come but just as @QCA said, coming on here is very helpful, especially writing in your own journal on here or others threads. It re-focuses your mind back on your goal!

Keep pushing through I know you can do it!!
PS. Any wife that will stick by you in this struggle and help you is a hands down keeper in my books! Looks like you have a great one there

 

Installing the panic button in the browser will help. Your wife is on board, so that will help immensely as well. Once my wife found out about this, I knew I could never masturbate again. How am I going to face her and say, "Yeah, I rubbed one out while you were gone. Sorry."? Never gonna happen, especially with my crazy Chinese wife. She'll keep you strong and accountable. She's on your side and so things'll improve.

 

thanks for sharing sounds awesome and i fully support your new found wisdoms

the cravings will come and it will get worse before it gets better, maybe, and could be for a long time depending on your individual nature. addiction is a savage beast but full of hidden rewards when transcended.

you have to treat this with the upmost importance in your life, always keep in your mind that you are deciding between having your family in your life or not, because u will loose them or serverly damage the relationship if you stay with P. they are incompatible. know this is a fact everytime u feel tempted. its that serious. every time u succumb it will be harder the next time to make resolve. make that choice and stick to it, all the other strategies are great but come second to this fundamental truth. i treat it life or death (in a way it really is). once the good start flowing into ur life you will build strength to keep wining. but it needs time

 

This is everyone's biggest fear. Recovery is like standing on the shore during a storm. The waves are like urges that continually batter us... one after another relentlessly. And we are afraid that at some point there is going to be a wave that is too big for us to handle and we'll get washed away. But you can't worry too much about the Monster Urge. The truth is that there is no urge that is too powerful that you can't beat it.

Early in my reboot it felt like I was learning to stand up and walk for the first time in forever. First you get on your feet, get your balance, and start to take a few steps. You might feel unstable and afraid of falling. That's ok. Have faith that every day you stay clean makes you stronger.

Remember that there are two types of urges... physical ones and psychological ones. Once you are in the grips of a physical urge it feels overwhelming, but those urges go away after a few weeks. Every day you stay clean is one day closer to the end of your detox phase and the end of those random dopamine storms. The psychological ones are more persistent but more manageable. After your detox phase your mind will continue to play mental games to get you to return to PMO. This is where you have to deal with the roots of your addiction and remind yourself of all the positive reasons to stay clean. Deal with the challenge in front of you as they come up... plan for the future but don't be paralyzed by fear of what might come.

Also, every day you stay clean the easier your recovery will become. Your urges will not be as strong and your willpower will be growing every day. Continue to learn new coping skills and add to your toolbox of distractions. Expose the lies with truth. Create new habits and routines. Stay busy. Keep your mind active with other activities. Use your family members as an asset.

Above all, BELIEVE that recovery is possible and that the path you are on will lead to success. It has worked for so many others and it will work for you.

 

Well done for telling her it must of taken courage to confess. I hope things go well for you both.

 

This is nice in theory [and maybe we need this belief in order to pull ourselves out of the bog by the pigtails], but in reality an addict is 9 times out of 10 going to fall back in a few times before getting out.

I don't mean to be a downer here, but just wanting to say it like it is. The hype can lead to demoralization.

 

Yes, I failed to get better for over 25 years because of a myriad of reasons/excuses. But when the chips were down, after I had hit rock bottom, I finally discovered that this was an addiction and started using an approach that really worked then I finally succeeded. The night my wife threatened to move out I quit cold turkey. It was painful, but it was POSSIBLE. But I had to do everything and fully commit to the process

I think there is a fine balance between offering hope and giving realistic expectations without giving subconscious permission to relapse. Our addicted self will use up all excuses to relapse. This is why I not only offer hope but practical steps a new person can try.

Another perspective is that our SO's do not have the patience to wait for us to relapse over and over again. Many husband's show up with one chance left to make a recovery. If they fully commit then they CAN save their marriages.

 

Yes, having an SO in the equation can change the PMO to PM, which would no doubt often change also the dynamic of recovery. I imagine that in some ways it would be easier, and in others harder.

 

Wow how true is that. I never really thought of it I that sense before. Thanks for that perspective @i_wanna_get_better1

 

Which is why that hope has to be placed also in the process of recovery, not just in the idea that one must white-knuckle it and not lapse. Sure, this may open the door to a few as an excuse to use, but no doubt they'd find some other excuse anyway. But it would also keep many others in, that would otherwise despair when 'white-knuckling it' and failing. They could just give up altogether.

The problem seems to be that a process, a qualitative change in the self, is difficult to measure, and we seem obsessed with measurement today. The counter is so simple, so objective and quantifiable, and so the emphasis is put on the counter/ absolute abstinence. This is done at the expense of accounting for a more complex change that may be occurring through an inner process.

In my opinion, addicts would be better served by the counter if it had integrated into it some kind of frequency function. Having a bare counter saying 3 days is quite different to having one that would also register having used say only twice within the past two months. This would be a world of encouragement, not an 'excuse' to lapse [rather, a bare 0 or 1 is often the excuse to further lapse/ binge]. You would be taking pride in both the current streak and the low/ lesser frequency of lapses.