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Asked my Crush on a date -- NEED Advice!

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by lemn, May 1, 2017.

  1. lemn

    lemn Fapstronaut
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    So, I was into this girl for 2 years now. She knows that I'm attracted to her. Every time I got too close, she'd retract; but she's reaching out when I put some distance between us. So one day she went on a trip and I discover it was with her former (?) boyfriend [couple of years ago she was hugged on his lap on a photo].

    When she comes back (November 2016) - Im no longer interested in seeing her. I cut all communication until now (May 2017). She made several attempts to reach out, but I didn't do anything. I thought it was because she's inexperienced and easily spooked. Maybe she wasn't interested in dating in general; not just me.

    So I recently found out that my crush is on Tinder. I shot her a brief message, "Hi "..", do you want to go on a date?" - I never actually asked her out before this. I just wanted to be sure to know what her real feelings are.

    Then I get this reply back:
    "Hey! We can catch up over a coffee ;). But I'm going to the mountains this week. So maybe when I get back to the city."

    To me it seems as non-committed as possible; a "maybe" which at the end, will probably lead to a "no".

    WHat do you guys think?
     
  2. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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  3. Haadi

    Haadi New Fapstronaut

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    wait and see, u got nothing to loose but don't raise your hope too high
     
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  4. TemporarySam

    TemporarySam Fapstronaut

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    You're making too much out of this. Maybe things will work out and maybe they won't, but finding out is 1) the fun part and 2) not something you want to put too much pressure on. She said she wants to have coffee with you. Her intentions are: have coffee with you. Go have coffee with her, if you have fun, tell her you had fun and ask if you can do it again. Don't overthink, don't dump the contents of your heart on her, don't read into anything she says or does. Just go have coffee and try to have a good time.
     
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  5. lemn

    lemn Fapstronaut
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    Thank you, TemporarySam,

    I'm really anxious about this whole thing, and making another person just as anxious is the last thing I want to do. I'll do my best to keep your advice in mind.
     
  6. TemporarySam

    TemporarySam Fapstronaut

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    It's okay to be anxious. Stomach butterflies are one of the best parts of being young, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment. Just don't let it ruin your date. Try to enjoy it! Being anxious just means you can sense all that impending potential. ;)
     
  7. lemn

    lemn Fapstronaut
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    So to update, I got a message from my crush. And as promised she texted me by Sunday night. Basically, she says she's studying for an exam on Monday....so either later this week or weekend
     
  8. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    Sounds to me like you're approaching this from an outcome-perspective (what will be the result?) whereas she, quite reasonably I think, takes a more process-minded stance (let's begin with having coffee and not begin by stressing over anything). I think regardless of the past, that she seems to have a healthy attitude -- not a negative or controlling or pessimistic one, just a "one step at a time" approach. You, on the other hand, I'm afraid I suspect of having a bit of an addiction-laden anxiety/stress approach whereby feel it "must" be this or else it "must" be all for nothing. That, in my view, is not a great basis for the development of any kind of relationship. I cannot tell whether you are actually ready for one or whether it would be better to admit that your first priority is to because stable, healthy, non-anxious again. This liaison may be helpful if you play it easy... like she is. You can then both find out over time if you both trust the other well enough (after all, she may have some suspicions about you and your hot-and-cold past behavior) to take it to the next level. If not, please don't do or say or even look like or hint at anything negative such as extreme disappointment, resentment, anger, coldness, etc. Because, based on your past, if, say 6-12 months from now you are addiction free and you will not have burned your bridges with her, you can approach her then and charm her and make her believe in you. Good luck!
     
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  9. lemn

    lemn Fapstronaut
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    Dear Atlanticus,
    Thank you for the insightful words.
    I admit that I have been "cold" for the past few months, but I just couldn't stand and let her run my feelings and life to the ground. She wants us to be friends. Friendship is a gift, but not when it is a one-way transaction. I don't blame her for taking advantage of me - she sold me a feeling and I kept buying into it. But now she realizes that I can't be her "friend"; I want to date her. And if she isn't interested, then so be it.

    So, if you have time, here's the story:

    I've been friendzoned for the past 1.5 years. I let her know early on about my feelings, but she said she's not ready for relationships. So, for the past year and a half, I was waiting for a moment when she will be. Long story short, that was a mistake.

    I can say that she really enjoyed our "friendship" and all its perks. I have been a reliable shoulder to cry on; gave her advice; helped her loved ones; went out of my way to accommodate her.
    I'm not proud to say that I even bought her gifts. I got invested.

    November 2016. And then one day she goes on a trip and I see a picture of her sharing coffee with her ex-boyfriend. I got jealous. Maybe it was nothing more than meeting friends. At best I was also one of the many "friends" she has. Once she came back, I let her know that I'm not really interested in meeting her anymore.

    December 2016 (~2 weeks later). As it happens we happens we had to work as a part of a larger team on a project in December. She avoided me for the most part. However, the minute I was needed for some "emergency" to save her ass, she didn't hesitate to call. And against my gut feeling, I helped. When I asked her to help me, she found polite ways to decline.

    January 2017. As I started my NoFap journey, I completely cut off all communication from her. In fact, she tried to initiate something - to pull me a little closer (back into the "Friendzone"). I got off with some polite one-liners.

    May 2017. I finally decided to contact her. Several things led to this decision:
    - I got a fantastic job offer, which means I'll be leaving my current city soon. She doesn't know about it
    - Recently I also noticed she popped on my tinder. So there is no excuse that she's not interested in dating
    - I believed that maybe the reason why she treated me as a friend was because I didn't actually ask her on a date. You never know until you ask.
    So, I decided to directly ask her on a date; yes or no.

    Update: She is "busy" with exams this week. And hasn't gotten back to me.
     
  10. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    Dude, it does not sound like she sees you as boyfriend material for her. Let it go, I'd say. It's gotta be 2-way and you've had plenty of chance to get to know each other. CONGRATULATIONS on your new job! Move on! Good things will no doubt come of it in the long run -- on all fronts. Best of success 2 u!
     
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  11. lemn

    lemn Fapstronaut
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    Dear brother,
    Thanks for the advice. I appreciate your time. Likewise, I wish you all the blessings in your journey
     
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