A new chapter ...

First of all: my english isn´t that good, so sorry for spelling mistakes!

I´m 30 years old.

My parents told me that I liked to hang out in front of the TV as a child. So at that point I was like 5 years old or sth.
I liked it so much that I even got up in the middle of the night and turned on the TV.

Fortunately, my parents caught me at one time or another and saw that I had, of course, unknowingly, unintentionally - pornos on the eyes. (Then my parents were so nice to work sth out, so I could not turn on the TV)

Later, so with 10, I've been digging our VHS tapes and found an 80s Beate Uhse video. When I was alone at home, well .... But definitely without masturbation, only a good feeling (Masturbation came with 12).

Between 12 and 15 I discovered FHM and Playboy.

At 16 - first PC and Internet connection. From now on ... phew I believe it did not go 1-2 days without any click. I was always online gaming with friends from RL.

And from then on, the subject of porn always followed me.

Sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes I had a girlfriend, sometimes not, but I think, like the majority of the youthful guys, porn and photos of naked women glared and stuck anchored in the head.

My social life has happily never suffered from it, but I think that´s simply luck because I´m an open extrovert type innately.

Between 21 and 24 sometimes I had a number of ladies at the same time and had not even really done something for it. Still, porn was a part of my life everyday. Then there was also the beginning of my first fetish (transwoman). I thought at first: yes hey, then that is just my way how I want to live out my sexuality ... hahaha forget it. At this time, the fetish was only on the screen.

At 26, I met my ex. We moved relatively quickly together and so it had to come out, of course, that I always look some porns. At first she did not accept it at all, but she forced herself to do and live with it (because I was so firmly convinced, watching porn is normal, everyone is doing it, masturbation is my right, etc. - it is, but you should be aware of what you are doing exactly to yourself and why)

At some point, I lost control of the whole thing and even began to move in some sexchats. Write with porno-like women, watch them live etc ... she also accepted it, when she figured out this! (even if it is obvious that at that time we had no chance, because I was absolutely not able to open my eyes and really change something!)

Long story short: we were together for 4 years and have been separated last year in April and the end was long overdue. Then there was my emotional crash, which drove me to drug consumption, as well as prostitutes (coke and whores you know?!) Not just once, but maybe 8-10 times?!

I also "lived" my shemalefetish, had uninspired sex with women I met on Tinder ... I completely lost my inner stability. The highlight was when I visited a SM-Domina, slept with her and caught gonorrhea. (Not to mention all the other shit I could have... fortunately not, I'm now as fit and healthy as I've probably never been!) - Shit I thank you - whomever - every day for getting only this black eye THANK YOU!)

That was January 2017. After this big happening, I slowly began to realize how careless and tired of life I've spent my last months.

Goals? Motivation? I did not know myself anymore. Dissatisfaction with myself and no idea where my journey should go, let me slip off inside for a few months. (Outsiders have not really noticed all that stuff).

In March I began to get back on track. The idea that the masturbation and the porn topic should be changed?... not really. I had it in my mind, but a conscious perception, a concrete thought ... nothing.

For 4.5 weeks now I do the Wim Hof Method and last week I realized:

When I do the breathing exercises and the cold shower I have really nice energy! But when I masturbate sometimes afterwards, everything is completely gone. (Surprise ... LOL!)

And so here I am. Today is Day 3.

I decided to start a new chapter in my life from now on. (feels little bit like fight club atm )
I am unspeakably thankful for seeing how many men are fighting the same fight out there!

Keep on going guys! I´m proud of you!
I´m proud of myself and believe in myself, that I can change! It´s our decision!

Thank you so much for the fact that there is a forum like this, where you can express yourself, motivate each other and exchange opinions!

Thanks!

 

The weekend was great so far,although i was completely alone at home i got some things to do. But today (day 4) is the first day, i feel little bit uncomfortable.
At the moment I totaly feel, that I don´t want to watch porn because of the ladys or sth rather I really fell, that I only want to make me feel better by masturbation. So now I see, where I put my energy in when there was too much. And yeah - I fucking know, it will only last few minutes! And thank you so much guys for writing your storys down! Funny atm for me, this addiction has so much similar feelings from quitting cocaine (last time 1.1.17).

Now i have to smile because it´s so nice to write it all down and have a look at it.

My current strategie is bringing my body in form (running in the morning with parts of fitness program from SEAL FIT) and realize a big project that I procrastinated for years (reading Gurfjieffs books out loud and record it).

Also I meditate every morning nearly half an hour, this helps me a lot to calm down the inner pressure... then i´m one with the universe.
And I my brain is running, because I need new ways do be productive and put my energy in! Atm. I don´t know where all this will lead me, but although I feel uncomfortable, I´m really excited where the journey goes.
I think, I have to write down now new goals for my life and than go for it.
Thanks to everyone who is reading my stuff.

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-journey-to-the-new-me.102544/ And here we go...

 

Thank you man!

 

Thank you man! I appreciate that!
I noticed in the last few weeks that I just tried different new things. Some have solidified and are made daily, others only one or a few times a week. But I see that this is enriching the way things work with new topics. A new book that attracts attention, new meritability here, new project in addition, ... I realized that my initial interest in Gurdjieff was only taken over by me from my parents, but it took me a long time to discover my own approach to the subject by dealing not only with G. but also with many other things, all contribute to the fact that the great picture "consciousness" is further composed. It always takes time to settle... it is important, I think, that we always keep on the "legs", move, flexibly and lovingly to yourself and to our environment.

yeah! that´s right! But also the funny thing for me is more and more: not only thinking in terms of: is this making me happy now? More like: is this making me happy in 1-2-3 weeks or more ?
Because: for example, taking a ice cold shower in the morning, or getting up at 4:30 and go out in the rain for a workout, isn´t that funny in that moment, sometimes. But you know, when you fight through it, afterwards, you will feel like a king.

I would like to dissociate myself more and more from whether or not something is particularly fun for me now. Many things are not fun, but you have to do them anyway. And if I make it easy, without esteeming it, giving it too much room inside of me, I will be easier to deal with the matter, it does not get so much weight, my mood is not so influenced by ... what do I know.
Do not evaluate the things. Do what to do. It has a lot to do with the work in one itself, in my opinion. Search for inner dialogue, do not condemn others and oneself. Stay by yourself. - All my thoughts and for me currently valid! I'm not saying that is the universally valid truth

One of my favorite teachings from Gurdjieff is:
"We also save important life energy if we do not allow negative emotional reactions without control, do not think about things that are unimportant, do not talk unconsciously and automatically ..."