Today, is my 6880th day of my life. Here is my story and some numbers

It has written in 9 May, 2017


Hi, for everyone here. I am a compulsive addict of internet. It involves specially internet pornography. Also there was internet gaming, surfing a lot, social media and masturbation-with generally pornography-. I drank alcohol and smoking cigarettes sometimes but these was very little. I’m an 18 years old man now.( Firstly, if my words doesn’t understand, please forgive me. Sorry for that. I’m working on it, I mean, I’m trying to improve my English but PMO doesn’t help me. I hope, I tell my story correctly and directly. In other words, I want to transfer my thoughts appropriately. ) I am a final year student.


In my childhood was great, like a lot of people. I was getting good marks, I was enjoying with my life, there was strong structural bridge between my friends and family, good leadership, brilliant etc. ( I’m not telling this for my EGO, if I say the situation I am in, you will understand much better about negative effects of pornography. Because it ruined me, destroyed my life, but I am responsible for that, right?) First of all, I was a child and human. I had spirit. I had no idea about social anxiety and other psychiatric disorders. I had not concentration problems, like ADD/ADHD( This is interested about medical terminology, isn’t it?) I was loving the life. My memory and learning abilities were in a good level. What about brain fog? No, I did not know this as well, I’m learning this nowadays. I could take good risks. I was more social. I had hobbies like chess,reading books, hang out with friends, some sport activities, et cetera. I was getting religious education by my parents and muslim preachers. But I always like science and philosophy. ( And then I was an atheist, but this is irrelevant .)


I’m living country of Turkey. Both the education system and life here are really difficult. I think, people in living in America and Europe are more lucky. They have got more opportunities. Today Turkey, and together with South Korea , has the most unhappy students of the world for OECD reports.



I don’t want tell about difficult,theoretical lessons. I mean, if you play a game in world, you are playing that game in ‘’Easy Mode’’ in America, and you are playing the game in ‘’Hard Mode’’ in Turkey. Of course this is changeable for every person and every stiuation and opportunities.


I don’t want to bother you with my long sentences. I was born in 9 July,1998. I didn’t have a computer in my childhood. And I was wondering about how is the computer and playing games with it. I still remember clearly, my parents have bought a desktop PC for me in 25 June 2009. And pleasure it gave me was magnificent. I was so happy. I don’t have a rich family guys, but overtime I understand that the only parameter to be happy is not money. Usually, I was starting to use the computer for unnecessary things like online games, porn and masturbation. I remember that: I discovered first time internet porn in 2010. There is, me and my friends were like this monkey:




I’m directly addicted, by the way. And then I have discovered masturbation. I thought it was a great thing at those times like every foolish teenagers. Frequency was changing. But, I remember that I made 5 times, maybe got 6. And then, my academic performance began to fall. Suddenly my social skills began to disappear. Yes, maybe I still had something, but I was feeling insufficient and worthless. It was the first time, my self-esteem and self-confidence has fallen so much. I was feeling terrible. In my early adolescence, I was started to playing online games all night. I was unhappy. I was addicted, my parents warned me for internet using but I did not take them, I was out of control. Then I passed middle School. I hated my class teacher, because she was a really dictator. Yes, maybe I could have been in aggressive behaviour, but I could not get support from anyone, including my parents and school’s guidance&councelling service. She always frightened me with disciplinary punishment. My family focused only on the consequences, I mean, my grades of school lessons. But I was trapped with my addicted, adolescent brain. My health was not very good compared to a 12 year old child. I was feeling very awful. The kid, have awesome life has gone, a ghost ( or zombie, what you called whatever instead for that.) came instead. The kid was me, in reality but I knew that isn’t me really.


I could not perceive as well as before, my childhood. I had to work a lot more than before to understand a piece of information. But my life motivation was gone.


Anyway, I passed High School. This time I wanted to do something different. The first year did not go as I wanted. Some friends said that : ‘’ You are working hard, why you can’t get more high marks in exams?’’. At that time I was not quite sure of the answer to this question. But as time went on I became aware of this situation: Pornography makes me inactive, passive towards life. And then, I have researched on the internet about this subject, causes and solutions. I have visited and read yourbrainonporn, watched some TEDx Talks and any videos about this problem and discovered this SubReddit. There are so many strangers trying to help each other here, actually this means humanity succeeds with all people, together. And then, I have tried to do nofap. I have lost lots of times. In 2014 Summer, my PMO frequency, decreased to compare before. I was very close to achieving. When I passed second grade, I had 145 days streak. Locks of life, began to unlock. My concentration level improved, I had higher level of motivation, I started to enjoy life again, I decided to make good and rationally for the future, my grades improved, the girls and my friends started to pay more attention to me and to respect me more. I was reacting for some things spontaneously, I was perceiving quickly, and answering in that time. I was reading books more concentrated. I was feeling my emotions and smiling more comfortable, and it was the best gain, I think. Specially there was a girl, I was pleasuring to incredibly to talk to her, it was awesome.


And then, I have lost my control after 5 months and I have PMO’d over 7 hours, all night with DE. And then, next day I had to go school, courses and exams. I spent the day like a zombie. Some girls said that : ‘’What’s wrong with him, or What happened to you?’’ Of course I knew what happened to me, but I couldn’t say anything about my situation. That day, I saved at the last moment to stay under a bus. It was arguably the worst day of my life. Well, how could I survive? I don’t know. I was rejected by a girl after. I did not talk about this subject any people, just one person knew that: My cousin. Other people, did not know I was an addict. He was my nofap partner. We close to him as a vision of life. We talk everything with him, about porn addiction, our history and story, causes,symptoms and solutions what we can do etc… And he gave me quite a lot of support in this situation. There are not many support groups in my country I live in, but I would like it to be, it could help me.


I told you about how I relapsed. Just know and remember that : ‘’A relapse, is now a relapse.’’ There is no last time. Always urge will come back, if you don’t quit now, then,you can quit more harder. ‘’One last time’’ opinion is a sickly thought. Do not make this mistake. I stayed in major depression for 2 years or maybe more after. I started to thinking suicide. Porn was making me stressful person and changing my brain negatively. Here, some numbers of my life:


9 July, 1998 ------------>>>> 1 January, 2010

( I was born at this time.) ---> ( Approximately I started to PMO)

It means = for 4195 days =/ ~ 11 years and 6 months I was clean.


9 July, 1998 ----------->>>>> 9 May, 2017

( I was born.) ( I am here now.)


= 18 years and 10 months = 6880 days.


2685 days ---->>>>> The period of dependency/of my addiction.


1 August, 2014 -------------->>>>>>>>>> 9 May, 2017

(The number of days I would have reached if I left the first nofap initiative)

=1013 days.


Let’s go back to the subject, I went to the psychiatry clinic. I have visited different doctors and they gave me different medicines/drugs or Antidepressants. I told them about my pornography addiction but they couldn’t understand me clearly. I think porn is a new addiction. I have used Prozac, Lustral( SSRI), Abilify( Aripiprazole), Lamictal( Lamotrigine), etc… None of them did not work. Sports and exercise was more helping me. And then, I decided that: I quit this antidepressants with doctor control.


I got the news that my nephew was born when I was very depressed. I couldn’t be happy. I was always in deep sorrow. I think all of this is the effect of pornography. What a shame and pain, isn’t it?


If I had committed suicide, everything would be done at that point. My story would have been finished at that point. I said that myself: ‘’ My story doesn’t end at this point.’’ But after that, I can’t worry about the past. I can only change the day I live and the future depending on it. Tomorrow can be different day.


I am alive despite everything and I am lucky to be alive. I like so much this quote: ‘’ If you are stil breathing, there is a hope.’’ I stil have a hope, and I am determined ton ever give up. I'm going to put off the computer and keep forward for real life.


Nowadays, I’m graduating from high school. Despite everything, life is beautiful and worth living.


When you fall down, you must to find a way to wake up.

Never give up, best wishes and regards dear fapstronauts.


Thank you.

 

Of course, do you know Turkish language? Thank you so much!!

 

[TUR] Bu uzun yazımı okuduğun için ben teşekkür ederim. Eğer anlatmak istediklerimi yeterince iyi anlatabildiysem, ne mutlu bana! Dil öğrenme konusunda nasıl yardımcı olabilirim?

Gerçekten de oto kontrol insan hayatında önemli. Ve ben oto kontrolümü yıllar önce kaybettim. Çok fazla denedim ve denemekten vazgeçmeyeceğim. Diğer üyelerin anlayabilmesi adına İngilizce çevirisini buraya yazıyorum.

[ENG] I thank you too for read this long post. If I could tell you what I mean clearly, what happy for me! How can I help you for learning language for you?

Indeed, self control is very important thing in human life. I have lost my self control so many years ago. I tried a lot, but I never give up trying. I am writing here the English translation for the other members to understand.

 

Tamamdır o halde, bu konunun altına yazmaya devam mı etmeliyiz, yoksa özel mesaj yoluyla mı iletişim kurmalıyız?

 

Porn Detoxification Clinics? Waow! Interesting. I wish I had that chance. This may be good for you. How much you possibly stay away from PMO, it's good for your physical and mental health. I am trying cold showers since 2017 January. It feels good.

''Confessing the addiction to the *right* people is important...'' That's really true. Some people have more empathy, so they can understand more better.

 

In the whole of the World people still don't know porn has potential negative effects. But I can say this from my experiences, porn has similarities any substance drugs especially long term uses. If you have porn addiction, you can pass other addiction types easily. I have read somewhere, porn addicts over than 70% have other addictions.

Last night when I looked at the mirror and said : "Sometimes I don't recognize you." It may sounds interesting but while you are watching porn, your main characteristic features can change. It alienates individuals. As you know, if we make something true, all of them chan change.

For me personally, I have explained this situation where I was in a lot of people. School guidance servises, psychologists, psychiatrists and more than people around me. Some of them could understand this problem. Some of them said " Ha-Ha"

I have a cousin, in you exact age. Interesting thing is, we started pornography somehow unaware of each other. I was questioning myself sometimes when watched porn and did masturbate. Is this really good? Is can be addictive? My friends do it too, but can all of us addictes to porn? I googled this problem and I found a article about overconsumotion porn use and potential negative effects. I copied the link and sent him it. Together we talk more and more about our pornography habit and how can we change our lives. Everywhere, specially in the cafes. It wasn't easy. Really. This is addiction. And has easy and unlimited access. We decided to put on the edge the taboos and talked to eachother. Firstly, we thought this is not too much problem. How it can be too much problem, it wasn't a drug, right? But, it is. Time passed and we didn't leave porn so more. By the way depression, ADHD and social anxiety levels got high. If you use more porn, it becames your lifestyle and get harder to quit. Believe me. We had a sick thought by the way, " One last time, and then we wilk quit tomorrow." Sound funny, isn't it? There is no one last time. We understood this very clearly if we quit NOW.

Doctors accept it or refuse it, pornography is like a drug. It changes individuals life seeing, social skills, academic performances, their inner peaces, their happiness and a lot more... From my experiences and informations I have I know this, I remember my life began pornography and it was awesome. There is days you have good or bad, have happy or unhappy thoughts but a person have porn addiction, he is always numbed pleasure responses. I lost my emotions, for example and I am trying to change this. I had a lot of relapses and understand this very clearly, pornography never satisfies us.

Yes, we have similarities in your case. I don't organise anything and put together. My every decides to change something, pornography addiction and its withdrawal symptoms with me. My school, family and social life. But this isn't over yet. Nowadays, specially when I had suicidal thoughts I say this myself: My story can't be end this situation. I am not giving up! And I am on the road to put all of this in my life.

My first serious attempts to quit was 2013. Now we are in 2018 and I have lost 5 years. But I experienced something. This is a lesson for me so I don't make ame mistakes.

Thank you for this beautiful comments! If you have your story link please send me.

 

Thank you so much! It never too late to change anytime, anywhere!