How do I tell her about pied?

I am definitely still trying to be with her, she didn't sleep with him but I know he fingered her. We have known each other for years now and they only met like twice at that point and he made the move on her. I'm pretty sure it was because she was upset and thought I was sleeping with someone else in the next room over. That was honestly kind of my fault.. I invited a girl that had followed me to bed before over, the girl I liked, and my friend who I never told him how I felt about her at that point yet.. all of this after we were drinking. Pretty dumb of me

 

Thank you

 

I'm fucking breaking down. I'm at work and tearing up this pressure is breaking me apart I'm about to walk out of work I don't know what else to do I can't believe I'm still dealing with this almost seven months later and about to lose the chance with the girl I love. I can't take this

 

It's the pied It's my only streak ever I'm going on 7 months changed my fucking life around exercise all the fucking time and have no interest in looking at porn ever again I just want to be over this shit and I feel like I still have a long way to go, what if I'm only half way thee? I can't fucking deal with that

 

I've been dealing with some intense mood swings over the past few days and I guess I'm not used to it at all. In a way it could be a good thing by my brain trying to find a natural balance. I don't know but it can be scary at times I'm definitely grateful for the site and community for the outlet and support it offers. In a way there's something positive that I've noticed during my low points over the past couple of days and that is that I haven't thought of porn at all, no urges, nothing other than I fucking hate it and don't understand why I engaged in it for so long. If it weren't for this community so many of us would be exponentially worse off than we already are. The amount of people documenting there journey gives hope because everyone's story is unique in a way and we're all looking for answers. I'll probably wind up losing my mind on here again but while my outlook is a little brighter I feel like I should say this.

 

Ok so today is a perfect example of why I'm so hesitant. She literally posted a photo on instagram with a girl on top of a guy in bed riding him. The caption is this could be us but you playing. And underneath she puts "on blast" see I like everything about this girl except for the fact that everything in her relationships that is bothering her she puts on the internet for everyone to see. Maybe I'm dodging a bullet. This is exactly what I need with my pied, someone who posts shit like that on the internet for all our friends to see.

 

Nothing happened, we haven't really been talking for like a week. We both play music and we played a show together about 2 weeks ago. We texted a bit after that when she sent me a picture her friend took of me performing. After that she randomly started texting me like a week ago for a little while but the convo didn't last too long. Now it's been a week since we talked other than a very short convo about ticket prices to a festival I might go to. I give this other girl guitar lessons and a few days ago I went over her house for a lesson but we wound up drinking and I was telling her about the girl I like and she grabbed my face and started making out with me which totally caught me off gaurd. She wanted to get a shower together but I declined that, partly because I knew I wouldn't be responsive the way I'd like down there and partly because I'm not really interested in her. We did wind up sleeping in the same bed but I was trashed and literally wound up sleeping with my jeans on.. not sure how akward our next lesson will be.. lately my thoughts have been kinda all over the place with her. Sometimes I really wanna talk to her, other times I'm not interested, and other times I get really pissed about the fact that I've been into her for years and always had a connection with her yet I introduced my oldest friend to her and they wind up hooking up right away and he said the only reason he had the confidence was because he was on like 3 different drugs. Also when I was at the height of this frustration about it I fell off of my gym routine that I've had for months and started eating like shit. I've kinda decided to not stress about it too much and get back into my self improvement routine. For now I feel a lot better but I don't know if I will have a moment of clarity and regret the distance I'm putting between us. I think the roller coaster of up and down view points on the situation is a result of my brain trying to rebalance itself. I don't know which one is the "real" me. Sometimes I think about girls a lot, other times I couldn't be bothered.

 

Well at THIS point I don't know exactly.. I know she did as of a week or two ago. We hooked up about a month and a half ago and started texting constantly for like a month. I'm not sure if you've read all the way back at the start of this post about how it all went down but we've been friends for like two years but she was in a relationship pretty much the whole time. Then when that ended things got a lot different, for the better though since I've always had a thing for her. Then we finally got a chance to hangout a few weeks after we first hooked up at the concert and I woke up in a shitty flatline and had a borderline anxiety attack that day and wanted to call of hanging out but we were going to start going to the gym and she told me she just bought all new gym clothes so I felt like I didn't wanna let her down. We stayed up til sunrise talking and I never made a move or told her how I've felt. Everything changed a bit after that we would text sporadically and when we'd hang out it was always around people definitely giving signals here and there but now we haven't really talked in like a week. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get it up I feel like a bit of an extreme case, don't know for sure but I think I got a ways to go before I'll be ready. To part of me it seems so foreign I can't imagine ever feeling ready. I guess at this point I don't know if there will come a time where I'll know I'm ready or if I just have to find out. I feel like I'm not seeing the commonly stated signs that people report when a reboot is completed.