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Question??

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chris14, May 5, 2017.

  1. Bearish

    Bearish Fapstronaut

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    There are a LOT of really bad therapists, which is why you really have to do research. I haven't had a really bad therapist myself who worked with me, but I did have a relationship with one who was abusive to me. I think he has a borderline personality. Anyway, you always have to check what they tell you against your own instincts. If the therapist is saying horrid things you know to be wrong, then dump him/her. A competent therapist will work with you to discover the truthof your own experiences--not tell you who you are or that you shouldn't be or feel a certain way.
     
    Bel likes this.
  2. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    @novibe does it freaking drive you as crazy as it does me when you read these articles and it says they objectify and think x,y,z and then a sentence or 2 later it's many don't realize they are doing it. Kinda contradictory imo. What is it, they are thinking sexual thoughts and they don't realize how long they trance out doing it or does a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing happen where when they come out of it , they can't recall that other side taking over. Regardless it's still pretty shitty to have to deal with any of it especially if you actively sought to avoid this bs in the first place like I did.
     
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  3. I do get the addiction. I do get, that staring is part of, or because of, the addiction. I do get, that it's a habit. I do get, that it's hard to stop. BUT I really don't get the "unconscious" part of it. I smoke, but I have never unconsciously smoked, bought, or craved cigarettes. I probably would have burnt myself, or the house, if I did. So no, sorry, but I don't buy the "I didn't realize I was doing it" crap. Maybe they will realize it, if we ask them "So... if you were not doing it, then could you tell me what I have been doing for the past 2 minutes sitting right in front of you... on our Valentine's Day date?"
     
    Bel likes this.
  4. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Yeah see it makes ZERO SENSE!!!! I zone out sometimes but I can tell you exactly or pretty much what was going through my head at that time. I ask well what were you looking at? The answer is almost always everything I guess, I don't know....ok so how is it you don't know and cannot answer the question but what I see is false or my hyper sensitivity. BS.
     
  5. Chris14

    Chris14 Fapstronaut

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    I can tell you both I Do catch myself doing it and I realize it and stop right away now that is completely conscious and it is objective I'm not looking at a person but sexual body parts and I don't like that I stop myself if my SO is with me or not I don't want to do that their is only one person I am attracted to and that is my SO the rest is just my mind looking for a p sub. Back on topic so there are times I know I an doing it. However almost every time my SO tells me I am doing it I can tell you I was looking here not at said woman and I know what I'm thinking nothing sexual. Then other situation is I notice a woman and avert my eyes right away and start to stress trying to make sure I don't do anything that would look anything like me staring. So I am at a complete loss here to I believe my SO but at the same time I don't get why I would realize it and have it be a trigger at times then others I'm not aware and it doesn't trigger me.
     
    slb likes this.
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    There is a thing that addicts learn to do. It's called 'going into the trance' or 'autopilot mode. @Bel touched on it when she said...

    The trance is an altered state of mind. Addicts learn to do this while consuming their object of addiction. Parts of their brain literally shut down. It affects memory, time management, morality, the ability to decipher right and wrong, and decision making. It built into our brain. Athletes go into 'the zone' when competing, workers go into 'get 'r done' mode while tackling a difficult task, artists can go into a zenlike state while creating, we temporarily suspend judgment when we watch a movie or television show, and slip into a different world when we read a book. Addicts exploit this and do terrible things that make no logical sense. The trance is a stress-free, judgment-free, problem-free state of mind. This is not an excuse or justification... merely an explanation.

    Ogling or leering touches on this trance state. I was about almost 30 days into my reboot and my wife and I were going to the movies. We stopped at the Dollar Store to pick up cheap candy to smuggle into the theater. I walked by the magazines and noticed the women's health magazines. My wife was watching me and asked why I stopped for a few seconds to look at the magazines. I told her I noticed the magazine but didn't stop. I have NO memory of stopping but for some reason I did.

    We have to remain vigilant and not allow ourselves to keep slipping into that state of mind. It's dangerous to our reboot and hurtful to our SO. We have to teach ourselves to stop that behavior if we want our reboot to succeed.
     
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