PMO addicts,shame and secrets

I decided from the beginning, rather inadvertently that my addiction was my demon that I will suppress it within myself and not worry others, especially family, with my problems.

Hence why I live 2 lives even still. Except now my 2nd life is being a recovering addict.

I've not been one for expressing myself anyway, I prefer to keep my problems to myself. Negative of this though is I've been carrying the weight of my addiction in its entirety on my chest every day, especially since realising I have an addiction last year.
But for whatever reason I've decided that my life is "safer" keeping it all in my head rather than sharing it with others.

I suppose everyone is different.

 

The key here is that one knows they should disclose it. If he doesn't know, then it cannot be a lie.

But it is about fairness. As AverageBear points out, that kind of behavior is superficial. I am not going to be in a relationship with someone who is that superficial and wants a certain income, eg, even if I have it. And while someone, and many, have these types of preferences, my point is that it is wrong, even though I am not going to intervene if a friend or couple is interacting with another/each other in this way.

Yes, she is totally okay with it. Because the SO did not think he was doing anything wrong by not telling her. She never asked him about it before. When she does, he is not going to become defensive. He is going to answer all her questions in all the detail that she wants (I disagree with others here about not going into gory details when asked). She is only going to be upset if he was hiding something from her. If he has been honest throughout the relationship, there are no issues.

Keep in mind that this is a totally different situation to someone who has been habitually lying to his SO. If she finds out about some PMO use that he didn't reveal, and if he is covering up his tracks, hiding his behavior and lying about it, then that has no relationship to the above scenario you presented.

 

There are many kinds of recovery... just as there are many kinds of addictions. It's about getting back to a healthy place in order to be able to enjoy a relationship. A relationship is built on trust.

An addict needs to recover, to become an ex-addict, to enter into a trusting relationship again.

But a 'SO', that was hurt by an addict, also needs to recover from that hurt in order to enter a trusting relationship again.

Suspicion, lack of trust, will destroy a relationship every time. Not to mention other addictions such as sex addiction...

 

This is just a little odd [giving a current/ new partner your sexual history]. Not many men would expect a women to give a true account of her sexual history. Rather, they expect them to fudge the figures... if they even asked in the first place.

Many women have slept around today, and this is something they are not proud of. If they wanted a decent ongoing relationship with their partner, they will be hesitant to give the details. If they gave the details, it would probably cripple the relationship. Right or wrong, it's the way human nature works. there is an art to getting this sort of thing right. Brutal honesty is a poor policy.

Of course, it's better to have some standards in the first place, but no one is perfect.

 

It will probably work out just fine for the poster. He can move on and build a relationship on trust. Can you? You know most posters here either had, or have, a problem with PMO. Do you have any problems you'd like to disclose. Such as sex addiction, or multiple previous partners etc? Or is this getting too.... personal?

 

Take a bow, good Sir, or Madam. The voice of reason.

 

The significance of this thread is this. Do NOT jump into relationships quickly. Meet someone, court them, get to know their character, if you have your suspicions take it slowly. Work it out, and only then look for intimacy. If someone jumped quickly into a relationship, and then demanded full disclosure, that says more about problems that they themselves may have.

 

Trust issues. No amount of information is enough.
Then too much information just fuels distrust issues.

 

I'm on about stuff you were told.

 

Mmmm

 

No, this is completely different. Robbing a bank is a crime. Being a PMO addict is not a crime.

What?? That is not true at all. Once someone gives up PMO, I would say that a minority relapse. You are seeing people on this forum who are in active recovery. The vast majority of those who succeed leave the forum and don't come back.

If hardly anyone evens knows that PMO is an addiction, how is it going to help to bring it up? Let's say someone has abstained for 2 years. Chances are he will never go back to it. So not only does he bring it up, but she doesn't think it's a big deal because she doesn't know it's an addiction. Maybe thinks all men do it. So now he has to explain, "no, it's really a serious addiction." Maybe directs her to this site. For what reason?

 

So @GG2002 I just made this post latest confessions and saw yours on here and your absolutely right. I have been a year and a half fighting this addiction wile keeping the secrets mentioned in that post and this past week letting everything out with my SO(she had to dig alot up on her own before I finally did say here's everything) I have felt so much more free, I can go post it here. I don't feel that shame I have been feeling for years it's all out on the table people can judge what they want yeah I'm extremely fucked up but it doesn't have me lying and hiding scared today. That is really the only way I believe you can move forward with this addiction. I kept thinking I could beat this and burry those secrets forever however you can't you have to face them out in the light.

 

You are really misquoting me.

I never said this.

No, of course not. I never said this either.

I never encouraged hiding it. I agreed with you that all questions should be answered (we are in the minority in this thread, it seems). As I stated earlier, I imagined that it would come up; I was questioning how and when to bring it up, and the importance of it.

I never said this either.

By minority I'm using <50%, which is the definition of minority. I was using general statistics on addiction; I don't have time to look it up right now. I do not believe that the data exists for PMO specifically. Anecdotally, I have kept in contact with ppl from years ago who are not active here anymore, and it seems that the vast majority of ppl who stop coming are successful in giving it up. You can take a look at the success stories forum. I'm not including the huge number of ppl who come here and make 5-10 posts and are never seen again. Most of those do not seem to be serious about giving it up.

 

Sadly, some show an inability to think clearly. All distinct situations are bundled up into a confusing ball around their own preconceptions.

If someone can not see beyond their own nose, there is no point arguing with them.