Happy to have found here

Hi
I'm new. 42yo and for the first time looking for support. Started M very young not even knowing what I was doing. Led to a preoccupation with male physique and poor self esteem. Dated and had healthy relationships with girls through HS and college however preoccupation continued. Not sure if it was HOCD or bisexuality, but got into gay P in college as straight P felt too dirty and disrespectful to women. I was determined not to be gay and got married and started a family with my SO who I'm still married to today.
Fast forward 17 years I'm still married w/ 3 kids and have tried to quit PM hundreds of times on my own. Always falling back into gay P and M. I'm attracted to my SO and love my family and have sex regularly w/ my SO. I have admitted to having porn problems to my SO but never the fact that it is Male P. I have confessed that to religious leaders but it hasn't helped as they have pushed me away. I dont understand my obsession. The guilt I have gathered over the last 30 years is unbearable and is having effects on my health and relationships. I have prayed to God so many times to take it away from me . Ive obsessed over understanding if I'm a closeted gay or just have a weird fetish that was instilled from a disfunctional hyperreligeous youth. The fact that I am attracted to my SO and that when I have had times of freedom from PM I have been able to be satisfied by my SO makes me feel I'm straight which is really what I want.
So I'm reaching out now. I've tried this way too many times on my own without success. I am more motivated than ever. I want to be a guilt free amazing dad and husband. I hope you guys can help me.

 

Thanks man. It really has opened my eyes to see how many are struggling and how brainwashed P can get you. I'm sad it's taken me this long to find this place but really happy I did. If you need someone to support you let me know. I can always use another AP.

 

Thank you it is a huge comfort to know I'm not alone.

Besides this using this website. I started a few new "habits" this week as well as put some parameters in place. I'm doing Yoga and praying each morning after I wake up and before showering. I started a new diet and exercise regimen as well. I cleared my phone of any ap that could access P. and set a password to my son's name that passed away. I've been only showering when my SO is in the room and if I'm alone with my phone I go to nofap or work on a project. I'm writing again and working on new stuff from my job. Any other suggestions?

 

Attraction is a strong word, because yes I found and find men attractive, but at first it was in a kind of "I wish I looked like that" or a "his body looks awesome" kinda way and that will still turn me on. I think I was also obsessed with what other guys looked like naked because of my own poor self image, But I could never imagine kissing a guy and backdoor O with a male always repulsed me. However the longer I looked at gay P the more comfortable I became w/ it. At one point when I specifically thought I was gay, I even started to fantasize about a specific guy. That stopped like after an hour because I felt so guilty about it. But like I said the longer I look, the more comfortable I became with harder gay PMO. I never got into the transwoman thing, but I'm sure I could if I went there. At this point I'm convinced that P and some Sexual abuse when I was little really did a number on me, but even now I still feel so confused about it. However this site is definitely shedding light on my situation.

 

Hey you don't know how much hope this gives me. Is there a way to connect with anyone who specifically went through this? It is a huge revelation to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Are there any forums or strands specifically dealing with this issue?