I'm a mess

That's because you are not your addiction. Just see it as a drug-addict, he will steal, lie, deceive and do about anything to get his shot.
I'm sure you didn't start watching these 'horrible' things, but started with vanilla, soft porn as most of us did. However, that shot isn't enough anymore at some point, so your brain will trick you into doing anything to get it's shot. Some people even reach to gay or transgendered person porn, despite they aren't even gay. And that is because they are not their addiction. The addiction is leading it's own life it seems sometimes.

And yes, I'm also looking for something romantic, but that's because I used to fill this 'hole' with PMO for years. Now that I don't do that anymore, I'm looking for intimacy somewhere else.
She seems like a nice girl. Maybe you haven't found anyone else because you are still fixated on her?

 

First of all, take my advice with a pinch of salt. I have been there brother. I sat alone crying and desperately wanting a girlfriend. Sometimes, went back to porn (eg. JOI or where the girl talks a lot to the camera). I realized something. You are putting women and relationships first. That is not the way. You put 'you' first. So, got trouble finding girls? Work on yourself. So, got trouble finding sex? Work on yourself. So, got .... you get the point.


I have to break your "bubble". Relationships aren't the fantasy you are currently, thinking of. It is sadly about subtle manipulation. You got to make things sexual. As a man, you are controlling the relationship. Think about it. The alpha males in movies. How do they portray themselves? How is the relationship like? Girls can be evil B**** too. I have been with one shitty girl before. I learnt it the hard way. Do you want to go through the same thing as me? Your choice.

You are till in the early stages of rebooting. Wait for one month. You will see the new 'you'.
At that stage, you will feel different and empowered.
Just hang in there brother.

 

Have you ever heard of psychology termin false self? It usually appears after some traumas and takes the place of your true self, and the true self is meant to be happy and feel peace and joy and must control - lead your life. So basically, it's not we, who are doing the things we hate, but our false selves.
I'm not religious, I was, but if I remember well apostle Paul has explained very well about this concept, it sounds like - It's not me who is comitting something which is bad, which I hate, but a sin which lives in me. You can say something similar about some people who all there lives lived under the oppresive ideology, like soviet, or eastern communist - You just can't make difference between true or false statements, because of ideology seeds, which were planted in your psychology from the very young age.
Basically, with porn happens the same - Self-destructive seeds of addiction have found roots in your brain, so it's not you anymore, but your addiction makes things you hate.
But it can be solved! Try your best to destroy your addictions and find their reasons - maybe it's early childhood trauma, or some bad experience you are trying to forget with porn. Romantic relationtips will come, they always come.

 

You're very young. Don't ever give up hope because your entire life will change several times at least over the next twenty years...and more.

So in addition to all the good counsel here, remember that when you are whole and healthy, it becomes easier to connect with other whole and healthy people. Which is not to say that there is no brokenness. In my experience, when you meet the one who will be with you for life, a lot of the bonding comes over time through sharing the scars of life.

Keep the faith. Wonderful things await as you journey to your new life.

 

Being gay is so much simpler than this...just sayin'....

 

It does not help him brother.

 

It was a facetious comment--I apologize. I'm bewildered sometimes by how complex relations seem to be between man and women. I'm just glad to be who I am.