Wife said she's dead inside... is it all my fault?

Doubt it. Stop blaming yourself for the chemical processes in her brain leading to the anxiety and depression. Mind you, PMO will make you less capable of helping her through her struggle, but it's not the primary cause. I'm married too and have similar but different issues. Keep fighting the good fight.

 

It is good to accept responsibility for the damage that has occurred in your marriage, but carrying around too much guilt is unhealthy and will create feelings that will make you want to relapse.

One strong component of addiction is a compulsion to engage in activities we know to be wrong. While it is true that everything we did was our choice, we cannot ignore that compulsion and delusional thinking are integral parts of our illness. Addicts are ill because there are biological components to this disease. Becoming an addict does not make you a bad person... continuing an addiction after you have been enlightened does make you a bad person.

If you are looking for forgiveness from your wife then you might not get that for a long time. You can write a letter and express your feelings if you choose. But ultimately you will have to learn to forgive yourself. After you start hitting milestones such as 30/60/90 days and you start to feel changes then you have reason to forgive yourself and start believing that you are good and no longer that person you once were.

Addicts need to make amends where possible, but if it is not possible then you cannot continue to carry the blame and guilt and allow it to consume you. You and your wife are still early in the recovery process. You have hope for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately she does not share that same hope for her future yet. Continue to work on yourself and hopefully she will start to heal and you can have a true reconciliation.

 

I ruined most of the sexual intimacy of my last relationship. I was prepared to marry this woman and never came clean about my frequency of my use. Sure, I ate like crap and didn't exercised which did not help. However, I deeply regret it but all I can do is move on, we wish each other well. I would say for both of you to have a brutally honest talk. One of the reasons why I didn't get completely honest with my ex is that she was really resentful and would have went way off the handle, she had a bad temper and it's kind of complicated since she took meds and was sick some. Still, I have to own it. I just hope and pray you can have a very heartfelt conversation, perhaps you have. That's what I would have done differently. My best.

 

Hang in there brother, I can't imagine how difficult it is. Keep up the good work and let's all stay clean. It'll be good for our mind and body.

 

At least you tried and went in there. I only skimmed a bit of the surface a bit and never felt comfortable going there all the way. If you have put everything on the table and owned up, you can at least look at yourself and know you did whatever you could. I realize it's a very tough place to be in, hopefully she will come around. Let her know you love her and want to make this right. Again, just leave everything you have on the table. That's really all you can do brother.

 

I am sorry to hear your situation, and as a partner, I can tell you that her reaction is valid. I know it sounds extreme, but that is what she is feeling. I told my partner he destroyed me with his addiction, and essentially he did because he knew that I didn't tolerate porn in relationships (due to my anorexia I struggle from) and I was the most honest and open I've ever been with a person (I have trust issues), and he betrayed me and lied to me for a year, and I was heartbroken. The first three months are going to be hell, and even the three months after that, at six months things started to feel less intense. Healing takes time and effort. Space is definitely a good thing, especially in the first couple months (my partner didn't really let me have space, so I tend to need more now when I get triggered). I don't know the full situation, but I wish you the best in your healing, but also don't forget to help your wife heal. I did everything to help my partner heal for the first year, and he did minimal for me, which has caused issues with us, so space is good, but also, when she starts to calm down, do things that you know will make her feel loved and safe. Those are two things that meant the world to me during healing, feeling loved and safe are my favorite feelings in the world after going through this. Communication is important, so when you feel she is ready or calm enough to talk, ask her what she needs during this process that way she see's you truly care about her.

 

As a wife of an addict, your post made me really angry.
You are in recovery and that is something you can be proud of. But to say "it's not fair" that your wife is hurt and angry and mired in heartache...?!? Really?!?

It's like stabbing someone over and over with a machete and then complaining that they are complaining about the injury! By stopping the PMO, you've stopped ACTIVELY STABBING HER. She still has the wounds that YOU INFLICTED. You have to rebuild the relationship from scratch. You have to teach her that it is safe to trust you. You have to EARN that trust. You have to EARN her respect.

No, you can't "control " her emotions but....DUDE. You did this TO HER. She didn't do it to herself. It ISN'T FAIR to be mis-treated, lied to, taken for granted, and emotionally abused.

For every day you disrespected her and your relationship, it's gonna take at least that many days to show her the new person you've become. You can't just flip a switch.

If you burn your house down, you have to rebuild it before anyone can live there again. You can't just put away the matches and expect things to be fine. REBUILD YOUR HOUSE.

 

These are posts I need to read. The women have spoke clearly and are in line with how my ex felt. I cheated us out of a fun intimate sex life. There were some good patches here and there. I think if I were in this situation again, I would just be humble and soldier on. Now, true, I don't think you should be punished for the same crime constantly, but it will probably take some length of time to gain trust. Mine was never completely there as I continued off and on with looking at P subs.

I do feel if couples can have that brutally honest talk, where BOTH of them remove the ego and get real about what you want, real change can happen.

 

I recognise the dynamic you are taking about. We had the same (still do to an extent). Shortly after I started reboot, I felt quite optimistic. I was doing something about it. I even started exercising, which I have been "meaning to do" for years. My SO, however, wasn't so optimistic, she was just hurt.

One thing is that it hurts her differently, and in many ways more directly and acutely.

Another is the difference in perspective, at that point especially. I was dealing with my PA, while she was becoming aware of its full extent. Actually, I was seeing the possibility to deal with it as a source of hope. I'm now seeing my P use as an addiction that I can overcome. Previously I saw it as a deep character flaw that showed what a horrible person I was somewhere inside - which just inspired feelings of shame and a desire to keep it secret. Now I can do something about it! It was not just a feeling of hope, but of freeing myself from this thing. But, at the same time, she is feeling hurt and betrayed and hopeless. She didn't have any reason to trust me, so she didn't get any sense of hope even from me rebooting.

You have to take responsibility for the hurt you caused her. Seeing that is the most painful part for me. You also have to accept her hurt and her anger. You have to do what you can to rebuild trust and to help her deal with her hurt and anger and despair. But it had to be her doing so, at her own pace and in her own way - which may or may not be a good direction for you. Support, accept but don't push.

What's "not fair" is not that she isn't feeling better yet. What's not fair is that she is hurting at all for my actions (and omissions).

That said, while you have to accept responsibility for the pain you have caused, you also have to accept it happened but not be too ashamed. Shame is a huge part of the P addiction and the lying and just isn't helpful. For me that means accepting and being sorry for the pain I have caused, but focusing on today and the future and changing so I don't cause any more. Be sorry and determined but not shameful.

 

Be sorry and determined but not shameful
Well said above. Yes, great advice. I wish I would have certainly handled things differently myself but my gut says we were not right for each other anyway with other issues. Just staying in the present.

 

In the spirit of full openness I should add here that this is my goal but I'm not fully achieving it yet. I still struggle with shame.

 

This thread is full of insight & helpfull advice.
Thanks to all members for input.

 

@AnonymousAnnaXOXO
Link to an apology from addict to women (great inspiration for addicts who struggle to apologize to their partner)
http://www.sainministry.org/an-apology-to-women/

Thank you for putting this link.
This is a light in my life.

 

@The Peace Warrior You're welcome! I figured the two links in my signature are very important for people to click on and listen to. I have yet to have an apology (formal one) from my partner and I am not sure when I'll get it, but the apology that the guy said brought me to tears the first time I saw it and figured it would be good to share for inspiration.