30 days hardmode - saving my life

WotansVolk · Jun 10, 2017

(Excuse my bad English)

Tomorrow I have gone 30 days without porn or masturbation. I have made nofap streaks as long as 5 months before and that was about 2-3 years ago. Since then I have masturbated and watched porn 3-15 times per week. However, one month ago I had a severe depression and I was seriously considering taking my own life.

The reasons for my depression are many. I grew up with my irresponsible and egoistic mother and 2 of my 5 sisters. My father were pretty much absent during my entire childhood, I only visited him a couple of times per month and his girlfriend was treating me like shit during that time always picking on me constantly. She really hated me and still does.

All of this has made me very insecure and so I gained a lot of weight. I tried to cure my inner pain with food, which of course didnt work (Im skinny now). Needless to say, I have always struggled with self-hate.

When I was 16 years old me and my best friend were riding our bikes one day like we always did. We used to race against eachother but that day were the last. He was hit by a truck and died almost instantly. The ambulance came but there were nothing left to save. I have always blamed his death on my self.

I am 22 years old and I have been addicted to porn since I was 14 years old. Just like the food it was a way of handling my inner pain. But in reality it only made things worse. And beccause of all these things, my insecurities and self loathing, im still a virgin and I have never had a girlfriend. I am not ugly or anything, its just that I dont feel worthy of a girlfriend. There has been 4-5 attractive girls that have been interested in me, VERY interested. But I have always blown up my chances with them because of my insecurities and self loathing.

But then, 29 days ago, when I was prepared to take my own life the fire inside me rose up and I thought for my self; Enough is Enough! I am NOT going to live like this anymore. And so i decided to commit myself to Nofap once again.

And now 29 days later I feel much better about myself. I am not completly healed and I have a long way to go before I have sorted my life out. Here are a list of benefits I have noticed since i last fapped:

I feel way happier than before.

Brain fog is disappearing.

I have more energy.

I need less sleep than before. I only need like 6-7 hours of sleep compared to 9-10 hours before Nofap.

I feel more motivated to succeed in life.

I get more attention from girls.

A positive side effect of Nofap is that I now have to deal with all the negative emotions inside of me. I have also had a lot of thoughts lately about my destiny. What my purpose in life is. And I can say, with 100% conviction, that if I ever go back to masturbation and porn again it will lead to suicide.

For as long as I can remember I have always struggled to survive each day of my life. Just going up in the morning has been a struggle. But finally, after all these years of struggle, I can feel a little bit of hope about the future.

This is my last fight, I will either reach the stars or die trying.

True life seeker · Jun 10, 2017

You are very brave my friend,never lose hope in yourself and in life.You've been through a lot.I'm the same age as you and I know very well many of the struggles you describe.
Whenever I feel down and have dark thoughts(worthlesness,suicide etc) I just try to imagine the kind of opportunities this life might still have for me.You never know when things might turn your way.Never give up on life no matter how hard it feels.Better to suffer and struggle to improve yourself no matter what rather than giving all your future years and opportunities up.

Never lose hope my friend.

AMP89 · Jun 10, 2017

Congratulations man. you've come a long way. Keep going

Alexhexvans · Jun 10, 2017

WotansVolk said: ↑

(Excuse my bad English)

Tomorrow I have gone 30 days without porn or masturbation. I have made nofap streaks as long as 5 months before and that was about 2-3 years ago. Since then I have masturbated and watched porn 3-15 times per week. However, one month ago I had a severe depression and I was seriously considering taking my own life.

The reasons for my depression are many. I grew up with my irresponsible and egoistic mother and 2 of my 5 sisters. My father were pretty much absent during my entire childhood, I only visited him a couple of times per month and his girlfriend was treating me like shit during that time always picking on me constantly. She really hated me and still does.

All of this has made me very insecure and so I gained a lot of weight. I tried to cure my inner pain with food, which of course didnt work (Im skinny now). Needless to say, I have always struggled with self-hate.

When I was 16 years old me and my best friend were riding our bikes one day like we always did. We used to race against eachother but that day were the last. He was hit by a truck and died almost instantly. The ambulance came but there were nothing left to save. I have always blamed his death on my self.

I am 22 years old and I have been addicted to porn since I was 14 years old. Just like the food it was a way of handling my inner pain. But in reality it only made things worse. And beccause of all these things, my insecurities and self loathing, im still a virgin and I have never had a girlfriend. I am not ugly or anything, its just that I dont feel worthy of a girlfriend. There has been 4-5 attractive girls that have been interested in me, VERY interested. But I have always blown up my chances with them because of my insecurities and self loathing.

But then, 29 days ago, when I was prepared to take my own life the fire inside me rose up and I thought for my self; Enough is Enough! I am NOT going to live like this anymore. And so i decided to commit myself to Nofap once again.

And now 29 days later I feel much better about myself. I am not completly healed and I have a long way to go before I have sorted my life out. Here are a list of benefits I have noticed since i last fapped:

I feel way happier than before.

Brain fog is disappearing.

I have more energy.

I need less sleep than before. I only need like 6-7 hours of sleep compared to 9-10 hours before Nofap.

I feel more motivated to succeed in life.

I get more attention from girls.

A positive side effect of Nofap is that I now have to deal with all the negative emotions inside of me. I have also had a lot of thoughts lately about my destiny. What my purpose in life is. And I can say, with 100% conviction, that if I ever go back to masturbation and porn again it will lead to suicide.

For as long as I can remember I have always struggled to survive each day of my life. Just going up in the morning has been a struggle. But finally, after all these years of struggle, I can feel a little bit of hope about the future.

This is my last fight, I will either reach the stars or die trying.

Click to expand...

Wow.. this is one of the bests posts i have ever read! Beacuse i see myself as you just reading it! Im sorry for your friend, its NOT your fault! Its destiny..
I wish you had more lovely mother, this just tears me up man, beacuse my mother is the sweetest and lovelyest mother anyone could ask for, i wish you were my brother, beacuse its just upsets me from all i read about your family.. Stay strong my friend! Remember - Suicide wont change anything, dont ever plan to do it! I was depressed once and i tought about suicide too, but im telling you man, its not worth it! LIVE FOR YOURSELF, ENJOY LIFE!

kevin02 · Jun 10, 2017

Stay strong brother I know what you mean. As a child (I think I was 6 or 7) my parents used to argue all the time about anything and everything till the point my father started beating my mother, it was brutal and witnessing that as a child would scarr me forever, I felt so weak because I couldn't protect my mother. It would go on till the point my mom was swollen all over. One day my parents started arguing and it got so bad that my dad went outside into the street to look for the pipe he used to beat my mom with (because he threw it away earlier in during the week).
While my dad was gone my and I mother sneaked out of the house we jumped over our fence and we ran out of our neighbors gate. I remember the humiliation my mother felt having to go house to house begging her so called friends to help her.

My mother left my father and she left me with him my relationship with my mom was never the same. I think thats why I ended up being afraid of girls because I was so afraid of becoming like my father and so dissapointed that my mom left me with him I felt like no woman could love me.

Just like you I started masturbating at 14 and just like you I am 22 years old (never had a gf, still a virgin, I FEEL LIKE A LOSER) I also considered suicide I sat in my room with a bottle of pills and I just said to myself "If I swallow all these pills the pain will go away". I can't remember what stopped me but im gratefull I didn't. Its hard but I pray to stay strong and GOOD LUCK TO YOU

WotansVolk said: ↑

(Excuse my bad English)

Tomorrow I have gone 30 days without porn or masturbation. I have made nofap streaks as long as 5 months before and that was about 2-3 years ago. Since then I have masturbated and watched porn 3-15 times per week. However, one month ago I had a severe depression and I was seriously considering taking my own life.

The reasons for my depression are many. I grew up with my irresponsible and egoistic mother and 2 of my 5 sisters. My father were pretty much absent during my entire childhood, I only visited him a couple of times per month and his girlfriend was treating me like shit during that time always picking on me constantly. She really hated me and still does.

All of this has made me very insecure and so I gained a lot of weight. I tried to cure my inner pain with food, which of course didnt work (Im skinny now). Needless to say, I have always struggled with self-hate.

When I was 16 years old me and my best friend were riding our bikes one day like we always did. We used to race against eachother but that day were the last. He was hit by a truck and died almost instantly. The ambulance came but there were nothing left to save. I have always blamed his death on my self.

I am 22 years old and I have been addicted to porn since I was 14 years old. Just like the food it was a way of handling my inner pain. But in reality it only made things worse. And beccause of all these things, my insecurities and self loathing, im still a virgin and I have never had a girlfriend. I am not ugly or anything, its just that I dont feel worthy of a girlfriend. There has been 4-5 attractive girls that have been interested in me, VERY interested. But I have always blown up my chances with them because of my insecurities and self loathing.

But then, 29 days ago, when I was prepared to take my own life the fire inside me rose up and I thought for my self; Enough is Enough! I am NOT going to live like this anymore. And so i decided to commit myself to Nofap once again.

And now 29 days later I feel much better about myself. I am not completly healed and I have a long way to go before I have sorted my life out. Here are a list of benefits I have noticed since i last fapped:

I feel way happier than before.

Brain fog is disappearing.

I have more energy.

I need less sleep than before. I only need like 6-7 hours of sleep compared to 9-10 hours before Nofap.

I feel more motivated to succeed in life.

I get more attention from girls.

A positive side effect of Nofap is that I now have to deal with all the negative emotions inside of me. I have also had a lot of thoughts lately about my destiny. What my purpose in life is. And I can say, with 100% conviction, that if I ever go back to masturbation and porn again it will lead to suicide.

For as long as I can remember I have always struggled to survive each day of my life. Just going up in the morning has been a struggle. But finally, after all these years of struggle, I can feel a little bit of hope about the future.

This is my last fight, I will either reach the stars or die trying.

Click to expand...

.

SwedishViking · Jun 10, 2017

Great decision coming back to nofap, but don't take it to hard if you relapse. You'll just come back stronger. I had suicide thoughts a long time ago, but things change as your life goes on, now you are on nofap which I belive is a big step in the right direction.

I'm sorry about your friend. If he saw you now I don't think he would want you to blame yourself. Just keep going the right path brother! Better things awaits you.

Ruqyah · Jun 10, 2017

30 days is a huge milestone...stay strong

DBug · Jun 11, 2017

Amazing story man, it really is.

I'm not even gonna bother comparing it to my own life because it doesn't even compare. Your story shows that there always are deeper pits of misery and suffering one could fall into but more importantly it shows that we can dig ourselves out again! I want to thank you for that. Wish you all the best man! You keep working hard towards the life you deserve!

Fighter7 · Jun 11, 2017

Stay strong brother. Remember that if you think nobody cares about you, think of us that time. We are with you or atleast I'm with you. Keep fighting man. Never give up.

BuddyLee · Jun 11, 2017

You've made more progress than most people will. Props to you. Keep going and never look back. P is not worth it and neither is suicide. Keep the fight strong.

Alexhexvans · Jun 11, 2017

Fighter7 said: ↑

Stay strong brother. Remember that if you think nobody cares about you, think of us that time. We are with you or atleast I'm with you. Keep fighting man. Never give up.
Click to expand...

Im with you too bro @WotansVolk

Lucky1 · Jun 12, 2017

Fighter7 said: ↑

Stay strong brother. Remember that if you think nobody cares about you, think of us that time. We are with you or atleast I'm with you. Keep fighting man. Never give up.
Click to expand...

This man.

Your story is huge, you've had that snap moment where you've decided enough is enough. Remember that moment forever.

The picture is awesome, where abouts' did you find it

Deleted Account · Jun 12, 2017

WotansVolk said: ↑

This is my last fight, I will either reach the stars or die trying.
Click to expand...

Hey brother, you're the Spartan.
Your story is inspirational..
Stay Strong & keep inspire your fellow brothers..
Peace and Love.

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