Pursuing a Fulfilling Life

After a long absence and run......I've returned.

I'm in a relationship with a woman that is the woman I should have always been with. Like me, nerdy, somewhat disappointed by humanity, but a perfect fit.

This is a motivating relationship to give her my ALL. We don't have sex because of my addiction. Not only does porn reroute my sexual energy toward a sock and computer screen, but it also warps my perception of women severely.

Further, I've joined a group of men that support my efforts on being a better man. Porn wastes so much time and energy--not just the sexual, but practical when I could be writing, playing drums, looking for better work, helping others, being involved, learning a new skill, etc.

My men's group has the purpose of supporting men, teams, families, and community with supporting standard of:

• showing up
• keeping confidentiality
• speaking the truth
• keeping your word
• remembering family and friends
• honoring men
• respecting women
• being responsible for children
• not quitting
• having fun

It's clear that being chained by this addiction is in conflict with my group. I can't commit to stopping porn without speaking the truth. It's easier to "show up" when not sequestering myself away, being secretive, and contradicting much of these standards.

Tomorrow I shall write more in this thread and welcome my fellow fapstronauts to add how porn addiction conflicts with their ideal life. I also noticed, in my "crucible" (a part of my initiation to this strong group of men), that getting in touch with my emotions helped me make better decisions.

Interesting that, as for me, my porn addiction seems to mute, numb, or postpone my emotions. Hmmm, funny that. Interesting cycle--don't let my emotions out, so I don't make healthy decisions (i.e. not turn to porn), turn to porn curbing my emotions, so I don't make healthy decisions, etc.

Perhaps if I both open up emotionally, and stop porn and masturbation, I'll have closer more meaningful relationships and a healthier, more fulfilling life.

 

Figured I'd write to just take my mind off my increasing libido.

I need to stay busy. I'm hosting a men's meeting tomorrow so I need to clean my apartment. I also need to drive more since it's almost my sole income.

I'm realizing how wracked by fear I am currently. My dad is dying and lives far, I'm broke, and yet do little to sit down with a financial consultant or tax person to get my shit in order. Pfft. Should have much more time to dial phone numbers and apply to jobs now that I'm not masturbating and looking at porn!

Yet, my coping has moved, despite my horniness, to starting smoking again and video games. I also have a lot of sexual intrigue surrounding other women. Not good. I love my girlfriend so...

Two days so far at least. Gotta get past three.

 

I come here when I feel at risk to PMO. I look at my counter, and realize I've accomplished something and want to keep the run going. As somewhat of a sports fan, I look upon each days of non-PMO use as a win. Each day adds to the win streak.

There are days the game is at risk. Will there be losses? Naturally. Yet a loss may still be a PMO free day. To surf dating sites is edging. Just looking at women while saying to myself, "Whoa, she's hot!" indicating a mindset that's not healthy.

I come here to tell on myself. I come here to switch off the automatic pilot I've been living with for so long, find inspiration and what healthy decisions look like. I also come here to wait. It's said that an urge lasts typically five minutes. I come here to pass the time while the urge subsides.