Trust My Feelings

So I've tried to keep my feelings documented in a notebook in the past but I didn't write regularly enough for it to help me effectively reflect. I'm hoping this will keep me more accountable. I've really enjoyed reading the journals of both PAs and partners on here and believe there's a lot to be learned.

I sound like a fool when I say how my boyfriend and I even began dating. We met online and not too long after getting to know each other he shared that he was in the middle of a divorce (it's worth mentioning that he's 9 years older than me). I had been dating other people throughout the getting-to-know-you months after we met but he was the only one who I could see myself in a committed relationship with. I stopped seeing other people at some point, and asked if he was seeing other women still. He told me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else (which I had doubted at the time, and later found out was a lie). This was the first time I trusted his word more than my intuition. After a couple more months I told him we needed to break it off if he wasn't interested in a commitment because it was been affecting me emotionally. We didn't talk for about 2 weeks I believe and then he drunk texted me that he wanted to be a couple... so that's how we began dating.

Long story short, there was a lot more lies and withholding of the truth for months and months into our relationship. I felt crazy, every time I confronted him about something that had made me upset or something I felt he was being dishonest about he would minimize and make excuses for. About 7 months into our relationship he got drunk and sexually assaulted me. Afterwards he passed out on top of me and I had to wiggle myself out from underneath him, crying. In the morning, we laid in bed and he scrolled through his phone. I glanced over as he opened snapchat - at the top was the name of a woman he had cheated on his wife with prior to us meeting. Of course snapchats disappear so there's no way of me ever knowing what those snaps were. He claims he has no idea why he would do that/what was said. He also had no recollection of what he had done the night before.

This obviously deeply affected me emotionally. I felt so conflicted about our relationship. How could someone who says he loves me treat me like this? I recently understood that what he had been doing was gaslighting. From the beginning, I was able to see that he had issues with self-esteem and his ego but I blamed it all on the pain from his divorce. It was hard to excuse his behavior that night but somehow I did.

Things seemed to be getting better. We had some issues with him taking pictures of me in my underwear even after I expressed how uncomfortable I was with that. It stopped eventually when I had to tell him again that I was unacceptable. I realized I started feeling obligated to have sex with him, felt guilty if I wasn't up for it, just a generally unhealthy sexual attitude. He would say "I'm sorry I'm attracted to you, sorry I think you're sexy" other things to that effect.

About a year later, we were on a vacation with his family. We had all been drinking and having fun, him and I came back and started messing around. It ended in him assaulting me again only this time he was coherent enough to notice that I began crying. He asked "why are you crying!" and I couldn't move, I couldn't say anything, I was just crying. He finally got off of me and I went straight into the bathroom. I was bleeding, I couldn't stop crying, my body hurt so, so terribly. I had to clean myself up and go back out to spend time with his family and pretend like everything was fine. I was withdrawn and texting my best friend to attempt to keep sane. He told me he was upset that I would go texting my friend instead of talking things out with him.

When we got home I thought I was done. How could I possibly stay with someone who did this to me? I confided in my best friends, they told me to stay with a friend if I needed to but they didn't advise me to break up with him. I reflected on what had happened the year before, I felt like such a fucking idiot. But for whatever reason, I agreed to stay with him and try to work things out. I realize now just how codependent I was. He went to therapy a couple times and that was about it.

That's the background of our relationship. Of course these are just the negatives but it's unnecessary to have to share all the good things. Obviously we have fun together and get along well otherwise I wouldn't be with him. I'm not constantly miserable, which has always given me hope that we could work things out and grow as a couple.

I found out a little less than a month ago that my boyfriend is a PA. I feel like it's strongly related to the sexual issues we've had and the lies/secrecy. This relationship has caused me so much pain and challenged my emotional strength. I desperately want it all to be worth it, I want us to be undeniably happy, I want to heal all the hurt. But I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired of trying so hard only to be met with more hurt. I feel so inadequate, I know it's ///not me/// but it doesn't make me feel any better.

He's going to return to counseling. I'm hoping to get myself into therapy as well. He's relapsed once since starting a reboot. He seems so motivated to change. But I know I need to take care of myself. I'm applying for new jobs because I'm unhappy with my current work. I've looked into getting my own apartment but I'm very undecided on that. I've been thinking about the idea of us taking a break to work on ourselves, and coming back together once we can be more healthy partners to each other. I'm so unsure about everything. I'm just trying to be happy and take care of myself day by day. At this point, I'm willing to try and continue supporting him.

 

I've felt more and more apathetic as today goes on. I have no interest in talking to my boyfriend today. I asked how he's doing, where his head is at, just to check in with him and make sure he's okay. But otherwise I have nothing I want to say, and am just generally uninterested in speaking to him. I also realized this past weekend I currently don't have any sexual attraction to him. I hope/think that will change once we're able to reconnect and I can put some trust in him. I think he would be devastated to hear that so I'm grateful that he's rebooting so that I don't have to feel pressure to have sex or even deal with any of that. I hope everyone's days are going well, just trying to keep my head up over here.

 

Thank you Jolie I really appreciate the encouragement. I'm going to treat myself to a pedicure this weekend. Just want to keep my stress low.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, it turned into more of me pouring out my feelings than I anticipated.

Thinking about if my friend was in my place and how hard I would push for her to leave makes me feel so guilty. I should have stuck up for myself a long time ago but it's been so easy to just put my head down and try to let things pass. I think a therapist could really help me reach a turning point as far as my relationship with my boyfriend and the relationship I have with myself.

Being gaslit and dealing with all of the accompanying emotions is truly the worst feeling. I'm sorry you've had too go through that. I hope some progress has been made in your marriage and your husband has worked to change.

I actually don't like his family at all. I would never be able to rely on them or feel comfortable opening up to them emotionally. They don't speak about their feelings very openly or much at all. Him and his siblings are almost all avoidant about emotional conflicts. I've even told him how I don't even want his dad to be a grandfather to my child (if we were to ever have kids).

Thanks again, I'm hoping to find a therapist who I mesh well with and can help me.

 

It's so hard to look at things that way I hope we both can find happiness whether that means working through relationships or distancing ourselves. Wishing you the best, please feel free to reach out to me if you need to talk or vent!

 

Last night was really discouraging. My boyfriend has been working out of town but had the day off and came home. After not seeing him all week I was looking forward to having him around but still felt some general anxiety about being together. When I got home from work around 8:30 he had dinner and wine ready for me. I thought it was really sweet and I felt some relief.

He was affectionate all night, playing with my hair and scratching my back. He knows that relaxes me and it honestly was so nice after 13 hours at work. I fell asleep quickly and at some point we got up off the couch to go to bed. I remember being woken up shortly after getting into bed by him pulling my underwear back up. I had a quick moment of panic wondering why/when they had been pulled down in the first place. I didn't react, I just laid there confused and thinking it through. He scratched my back and realized I was stirring I guess. He told me that he had heard my singing voice and he thought it was pretty. At this point I really panicked - singing is something very personal for me, I have never sang in front of anyone except my best friend. It's a really powerful outlet for me, and only for myself. I was so confused and I couldn't say more than "What?". The next time he says "I want to hear your singing voice, I bet it's really pretty". This turned into a repetitive exchange of "That's not what you said", "I said I wanted to hear your singing voice and that it's probably pretty", "That's not what I heard", etc... Until finally I said that I had heard two different verb tenses and he admits that he was on my old cell phone earlier in the day and found a video of me singing.

He lied. I know it could be worse and that it's really not this huge unacceptable thing to lie about but I feel so violated. It's something I purposefully have chosen not to share with him because it's deeply personal to me. I've told him that maybe at some point I'd sing for him but he clearly didn't fucking respect that or care. I had to ask over, and over, and over and felt fucking crazy only for him to finally admit the truth. How many times do I have to ask for the truth? Why is honesty and transparency such a struggle?

I didn't even mention anything about how I was woken up or why my underwear was pulled down. I just laid there crying, made out to feel crazy once again because that's apparently easier than him telling the truth. I thought about getting up to sleep on the couch with the dog but didn't want to make more issues or seem dramatic.

I've just let things play out normally today. I'm so hurt and disappointed. For a moment last night I thought that maybe this is it. I never explicitly said that if he lied to me again that I would leave but what if I had? Would I actually follow through with it?

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do at this point.

 

I'm scared that if I end my relationship it will spark a change in my boyfriend. I will have lost a chance at a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship with someone I love because I gave up. I'm scared that I'll eventually start a new relationship only to find out he too is a PA and go through a new but familiar struggle.

I feel like I've been in the dark for my entire relationship. For so long I thought we had such a meaningful connection. I told myself that every relationship has problems no matter how bad I was hurt. When light was shed on the reality of our relationship it was devastating. All my energy wasted. All my forgiveness and love and devotion wasted. What the fuck is wrong with me that the person I love can disrespect me with no afterthought? Why is it so easy for him to disregard my feelings? And not only disregard them but be completely blind to them.

When I feel I'm being lied to I have to present my case and have enough confidence and evidence to support it all for it to even be considered. It's easier to doubt and silence myself than to struggle with pulling the truth out of his mouth. I remember this time we were out to dinner, shortly after we met, and he told me that he's a really good liar. I remember being surprised that anyone would brag about being a good liar.

I'm having such a hard time today. I want to ask what the fuck happened last night and why he thought it was okay to lie, but at the same time I don't want to hear any more bullshit. I don't want to hear any more excuses. I don't want any promises that he'll try harder. I don't want to feel like this.

 

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you saying that. You're right, I need to keep reminding myself that I'll be okay however things play out. It means a lot to me that you even read my post, thank you again.

 

Wow, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. I want to read some books about codependency. I realized that when I met my boyfriend that we brought out the worst in each other as far as me being very attached and loving/him needing to feel important and cared for without giving much of it in return.

Thank you for reminding how important it is to respect myself and take care of myself. It's something I'm trying to make an effort towards day by day. I'm so scared at the thought of leaving even if I reach the point where my boundaries have been crossed. I feel like I'm giving up on him and on us. Thank you again, I can't believe how much kindness and support is on this site. I think I would be in much worse shape right now if I hadn't found it. My relationship definitely would seem more hopeless too.

 

I'm feeling really insecure, but in a way I'm not used to. Normally I'm worked up about feeling ugly, undesirable, and comparing myself to the women around me. But today I've felt confident lookswise but felt extremely insecure in my ability to have a healthy relationship. I feel broken emotionally. I'm scared I won't ever be able to fully trust someone and ever let out a full sigh of relief.

I fantasize about being with someone who's completely open and honest with me without me having to prod and pull and beg. Not worrying about their female interactions. Not questioning if they're actions and words towards me are out of obligation or self-serving. Maybe I want too much.

I'm working on a boundary list. My boyfriend seems to think my expectation that he can stop lying is unreasonable since it's such a deeply ingrained habit. But I've been asking for honesty for so fucking long that I don't even wanna hear excuses like that. I deeply sympathize with him, but I'm too tired to nod my head and thank him for saying he'll try.

 

I didn't sleep very well last night. I had a dream that my friends, strangers, everyone I came into contact with was gushing on and on about how lucky I was. How amazing it must be to be with him, asking how we met, entire conversations just on the topic of my relationship. I snapped. I was screaming that he was a piece of shit, that I'm miserable, that it's been the hardest 2 years of my life... having a complete break down. It felt so real, I woke up frantic that I could say things like that. After realizing it was a dream I felt so guilty that I could unconsciously think such things.

All morning I've been so full of rage. I don't want to answer any of my boyfriend's texts. He's been working and living out of town for a while and I'm already dreading when he comes back home. I've thought through little things I've confronted him about in the past month or two and realized he's been dishonest. I'm scared the lies and withholding of truth will never end. I shouldn't have to doubt or second guess everything that comes out his mouth. When I ask a question about a girl or for some clarity about a conversation/situation I can't trust him to be honest. He fucking lies. I can't handle it. It makes me want to dissolve. I don't want to feel anything at all.

I fantasize about moving. Finding a new job, moving, and being done with all of it. Focusing on me, my healing, a positive relationship with myself. No more stress or worrying, no more being lied to, no more being hurt by someone who's supposed to love me. There's so many times I've sat on the floor and sobbed thinking "Why doesn't this feel like love? What am i doing wrong?" I try so hard to be a good girlfriend. He assures me that I am and how thankful he is for me. But I don't fucking care right now. This has all been so unfair. I feel so hateful right now. I know I'll calm down and this will pass. But this is the same cycle that I've been through so many times. I care about him so much and I have put him first ALWAYS. And for what! I knew he needed love, understanding, adoration. I gave it all, I'm proud of how much energy I put into this relationship and loving him. But at what cost? So much sadness, confusion, betrayal, deception... I feel heartbroken. I feel like I've built this relationship up so many times only for everything to be shattered without a second thought.

 

It's so relieving to hear you understand, thank you. I need to keep thinking things through. It feels so cold to pick apart our relationship just so I can weigh out whether I should stay or go. Sometimes I feel guilty at the thought of leaving him at this time. Other times I can't imagine him getting any better when he also has to worry about my feelings. In my mind, if he could just focus on himself and his recovery he'd have such a better chance at succeeding. I imagine having to work on healing ourselves as well as our relationship will be much harder. So much to think about. Thank you so much for your understanding and encouragement.