In Repair

Hello, I'm a new fapstronaut. I'm 21 years old from Israel. I've been reading threads here for a month already but haven't found time to introduce myself I guess.
I started watching porn at 11/12 years old. My parents bought me my own personal computer and I have invited friends to play on it in my room. Quick enough they have introduced me to pornography. There was this big brother of a friend that used to come with him so he showed us all how to go to porn sites.
I haven't masturbated at this age but would still check those porn sites.
I stopped watching porn and was quite an an advocate angainst it in school. It was clear this wasen't love I was watching but violence.
Sometime when I was 17, in a family trip, I found myself dreaming and thinking non-stop about sex. I couldn't sleep for a week! So I relapsed and started masturbating regularly. I was quite popular but unlike my peers I didn't have any sexual experience. At that age I started watching porn again. I didn't understand the link but I did find myself more upset and un-motivated. I felt I was deflating. I always hated this sick habit I had to conceal but only now I see the results of this addiction.
One day my friend from class went to the restroom to masturbate so he could relax during what was left from the test. He bragged it helped him. When I heared this I felt like a machine that a coin was inserted to and started to work. I really thought about where I am in this issue. I resolved to stop. I didn't unfourtunatly.
I was working out, playing instrument, volunteering and reading a lot. Yet, always when I felt the urge to relapse it was like an unknown bad spirit forced me back to it.
I've met a beautiful girl whom I loved and dated. Everything was great but the habit didn't go away. One time I told her about my habit and asked her to help me abstain from sex for a while just to give my recovery another chance. She was frustrated but agreed to help. Then, the next time she came I wanted to lie with her and she refused as we had agreed. I grabbed her, pushed her to the wall, lifted her and forcefully kissed her and tried more. It only lasted couple seconds (thankfully) and I snapped out of it imideatly and ran to another room. I was shocked. I never imagined I would even think about such a sickening behavior. It didn't go well between us from this day and until now, to my big surprise, I still haven't found enough strength to cut off with this deadly companion I call pornography.
I deeply believe that pornography is deadly. It killes you regularly and only stops when you eventually die. I don't want to sound extreme but for me personally pornography hijacked beautiful moments and several years of my life.
Looking for your support and help. Thanks for being here.

 

Thank you.
Generally to be active, visit NoFap regularly and participate, work out, read, volunteer and be honest. I have friends who know about my problem but are not accountable for me. I have made with myself some basic principals: Not to use the internet alone, sleep early etc. By the way, your guide is very helpful and please keep up updating it. Very useful @D . J .

 

@Dirty Dan Vs Pinhead Larry It is! Just knowing other people are in your situation is very comforting. Just knowing you reach out for help is calming. I don't know if you can bring taste back to the salt, but I just hope that engaging in this community will help me save whatever "taste" is left in me.

 

Thank you very much. I appreciate it! @Dirty Dan Vs Pinhead Larry

 

Yesterday I have relapsed after a sreak of the days.
Those ten days were amazing and productive. I feel so stupid now. I was alone and tired and did not press the Panic button. It's a crummy feeling to be honest. It is not my fist relapse since I registered to NoFap but it is the most rough.
My plan now is to keep up my busy routine and spend time with my family on the weekend. I realize now when I'm vulnerable. Would appreciate your advice.