Never in my life have I felt so lonely - laying next to my wife in the bed I built

So if you can see it now that you've written it, this is not the first or second time, this is an issue that you've had for a long time that she found out upon her own searching, this means she's probably wondering how long if any time you've been sober? How many lies you've told? What other things you may have done? Everything is a lie if your caught in the act and it wasn't something you shared, had she not caught you would you have continued? This is all going through her mind, that you duped her for years and are still duping her and she feels she doesn't know who you are, rightfully so. Even if you were sober, how could she really know?

Yes, you don't deserve to lie in a bed cold and lonely but that's what you did to her for years and now you want her to give you a specific timeline of when she will be recovering from her wounds to comfort and give you the affection and intimacy you took away, while you tell her that your working on yours to which you can not give her a timeline. That's really what you are saying and hoping for. There is a lot of work to be done here because it's a history behind it with relapses and hiding in between that was hidden throughout the years. The scars are thick.
And listen, no ones judging you, there's more people then you know addicted to porn and it's A touchy shameful topic that no one talks about so it makes it harder to recover from. It's easier and more acceptable to be an alcoholic. People feel afraid to be thought of as pervert or molester.
If I were you I would stop thinking of that timeline that is bringing you back into the dark and instead live Day to day trying to reboot, rewire, recover, rethink healthy coping skills, tools, stop the pressure of wanting her to once again support you, touch you, hold you, forgive you. She did it before and you betrayed her again. She will need time, to see consistency, transparency, patience, understanding, selflessness in you, all the things that your addiction took away from your marriage.
Go back to positive reinforcement and thoughts, don't think that her silence or wanting her space means she's given up, she could turn that table on you and say the same if she fel you were moody or having a bad day, and that would be unfair. Your both healing and recovering and need to respect the way the other is doing it on your own time. You want to give her what you want to be given, time and respect for her emotions and struggles right now. Show her your consistency in your behavior, that goes a long way.

 

Friend I know it is a struggle. I also know we sometimes need to vent. But I really wish you wouldn't keep focusing on the possibility of ending it. You are just now starting the journey to heal yourself and your relationships. This will take time. You and all of us here have done a lot of damage to ourselves and others. Things won't just suddenly get better.

All people do deserve love and touch. And all children deserve a loving home with both parents. You can't control your wife. But again you are just starting the journey. If for a while you have to suffer then you should suffer, not your kids. I think we all have to pay they price for our addiction. When we stop the bill comes due. I don't like it anymore than you, but it is our fault entirely. We weren't unwilling participants in PMO. The unwilling participants were our wives and children.

It sounds like you are working to fix things. Keep that up and try to stay positive. Don't focus or even think about the worst case scenario.

 

Those emotions will come and go, break the cycle you've been on that created this mess and continues to, that's the secret to getting better, self awareness in those dark moments when your brain is being hijacked, notice the symptoms and activate your plan of action to stop it, distraction, exercise, calling a friend, cooking, gardening, house work, do NOT isolate, when you are alone it's the most vulnerable you become, when you reach out it activates your self awareness and makes you realize you have to be accountable. snap out of it before the compulsion takes over and convinces you its not a big deal. Addiction feeds off negativity, negative thoughts, so you can use, it starts making excuses, starts to make you blame others, then after you use, you feel like shit, wash, rinse, repeat and the same cycle continues, like a hamster in a wheel. I'm sure you've read up on it and know that, but REALLY know that, make it your bible!
Your not drowning, the addiction knows you are rewiring and fighting it so it's trying to bring you back on the same path by creating those uncomfortable feelings, it's making you feel that way, you need time in to reboot and rewire the negative pathway you created all these years, it will create new healthy pathways if you are consistent. Having a schedule is very helpful so you aren't left with free time on your hands, bored, thinking negative thoughts, etc..
Are you religious, have you tried church? I'm not really but we did go to church a few times, it was good just to be around others and hear a positive things. It wasn't about being holy, it also spoke of forgiveness and weakness and being human beings with flaws and forgiving yourself and doing better.

 

No pain, no gain!

 

Hoping these provide inspiration!

 

I have not read this thread for some days. Just now I came back and was astonished that a lot has happened in the meantime. I’m really happy for you that your wife gave you a huge hug and said she is trying to forgive you. Hopefully this is the beginning of a big change, even if I agree with HopeFaith:

In my experience it is indeed like this. But I think that if you’re on the right path you so to speak only go one step back and two steps forward each time, so at the end you hopefully reach your goal.

With some other comments I really don’t agree.

Who can really say what the brutal truth is and what is real? Even I was your best friend and knew you, your wife and your story since decades, it would probably still be impossible to name all the factors that lead to the crisis you are in. P and M and being addictive can be and surely in most cases are a big factor in relation crises. But I think it is greenly to believe that porn is the only reason why a relationship got stuck and that the bad porn addictive man is the only one “guilty” while the woman is the poor betrayed victim.

In my view feeling betrayed and hurt is no excuse for being full of contempt after a “decade after supporting each other as parents, through depression and sickness.” Nor is it an excuse at all for dating other people.

I don’t think that it is easier to be an alcoholic. I’ve had people in my family who died of alcohol. There are studies that say that in Germany (where I live) each year about 80.000 people die because of alcohol. I don’t think that this is comparable.

However: Your counter says 66 days right now. So you are on a great journey, you are making progress. Go on and see how the things develop! I wish you all the best!

PS:

Great reaction!

 

I think you misread what I was trying to say, I didnt say it was easier to be an alcoholic or was comparing any other addiction, the severity of addictions are different for each person, just as the recovery is. I was saying that the views of a sex addict may weigh more heavily in an addicts mind, would you evenly own up to sex or alcohol or drug addiction? Maybe you would?.. but i would guess most would be apprehensive and more ashamed of having a sex addiction. And Sex/porn addiction is unfortunately rarely spoken of and the negative stigma of possibly being a pervert or predator or philanderer scares people to get help and let anyone know.

 

I think you are missing the picture here which is not only was this an ongoing battle and not a one time deal of hurtful, destructive behavior, but you seem to be justifying negative behaviors or thoughts and not allowing him to take accountability to which I think he has been with hearing and admitting to the brutal truth. It sounds like you are saying because they've been together so long and have children that he should get a pass on the hurt he caused the marriage. The same way she shouldnt use it as an excuse to cope by doing these negative things, he could've just not used porn to begin with?... You are minimilizing her pain And his addiction and saying "its just porn". She didnt decide to go shopping and online dating to try to make herself feel good until after this betrayel. It doesnt make it right that she comes across as abusive but she is dealing with the pain he caused in an angry matter beause she isnt over with him " just looking at porn". She needs therapy herself to see if she can ever get to that place of repair and trust again. When you've given someone a few chances and you learn you've been duped again and again, i dont think you would just go back on that same ride with the same forgiving open heart. Only time and her willingness to get healthy herself will allow her to move forward with him. These are the consequences of addiction, you play you pay 8 (
They both need recovery in healthier ways, she was able to break out of her pain the other day by giving him a hug, i'm sure deep inside she wants to make it work, she just doesnt know if she can trust again. His work on himself and consistency is the only true chance at a possibility. Not giving up just because her recovery and healing is not fast enough or the way he wants it to be.
I give him credit for facing this pain and hurt in a healthy outlook, rather then running back to use. Its growth on his part to me. Soon she will have to decide because they both can't live healthy lives like this. Give her time, her wounds that were healng were opened up again.

 

Wow! Five steps forward, listen, if you did this, it means your truly ready to let It go, the not hiding starts the accountability and the addiction can not keep you away from reaching out for help. Once you share your illness, your story, it's truly being accountable.
You know why it ended for me and the ex? After his last relapse he gave me another bs line of i'll do whatever it takes, even go to treatment program, he even agreed to tell his aunt and cousins he said he was close to, thats the "caught in the act, appeasing addict". Next day he comes over and he backtracked and says he will just go to treatment and give him a few weeks to tell his family. Been there, done that, the stronger person in me knew better, it's the addict dance thats keeping us both in an unhealthy relationship. Believe me, regardless of the outcome, whether you can make it work or not, her giving you the ultimatum and making you see what your losing, although may not be how you'd like it to be, is really helping your life in the long run. You have No real happy future together in addiction. This may not heal your marriage but it may heal you both as individuals to live a healthier life for you and your kids. You have to just try your best and thats all you can do, just like her. Only you know your truth to your recovery, so whichever way it ends atleast you know you wholeheartedly tried and can be ready for her or whoever else comes down the road, and your kids.

 

I think I indeed misread what you were trying to say. Your view is interesting for me. Thanks for sharing! I right now thought a lot about it and I think now I understand what you mean.

You write that the severity of addictions are different for each person. In my view it is the same regarding the self-perception of a person. I think I never thought of myself being a pervert and I never really felt ashamed. I told my mother, later my gf/wife, some good friends and some coaches or therapists about by strong sexual urges and my porn habit. But I can imagine that there are many people in the world who feel or are indeed stigmatized as sex or porn addicts – by the society, by the churches, by other people who have their own issues – and so feel very ashamed. But it probably always depends on the circumstances. Being a philanderer can also be connected with admiration. When I read your post I had to think of James Bond as a well-known movie character. Taken all the movies together he slept with so many women and likely even mistreated some. He is kind of a Casanova. Is he a philanderer? Probably yes. Is he a sex addict? Some people surely would say so. But is he in general considered being a pervert or a predator? Probably not. Many men would like to be like him and many women would love to get in contact with such a man.

I don’t want to minimize her pain. But I think that she as well should take accountability of her own situation and of her own feelings. According to Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication), a great psychologist, nobody else is accountable for one’s own feelings and needs. The world is a warlike place since most of the people always have the tendency to say “I feel so and so because YOU did something”. In my view that attitude is immature. Again: I think it is greenly to believe that porn is the only reason why relationships get stuck. There are always many factors.

I think you are just underlining his addiction and suggesting him that only he (“YOU”) has damaged the relationship while excusing her behavior. In my view that is one-sided judging even if you excuse yourself by saying “don't take our commentaries that way”.

For sure we have different views. And I think that’s really ok. Hopefully our views – especially because they are different – are a bit helpful for ParvusSapentia.

Wish you all the best on your journeys!

 

There really is no timeline in recovery my friend. I wish I could tell you in a month she will have moved past her anger. Just like I wish I could tell you, give it 3 mos of reboot and you will be healed too. I hear its about a good solid year before pmo is really better and thats with strict working on It in a program/schedule, like hard mode for 90 days and definitely no porn, sexual images, etc... You will have to include a new schedule/tools for rewiring the bad old habits (exercise, hobbies, etc) to rewire your pathways, it definitely can be done, especially since you did not fall deeper in the rabbit hole with prostitution and affairs. Thank god you didnt!. She too will have to get to the point of a therapy, recovery program, seeing and talking to someone is as important for her to process her feelings too, get a unbias outlook, help with her anger and pain, she will not truly be ready to give it a go on her own (no one can), im pretty sure she is suffering from ptsd and thats causing the anger she feels to go out and date and doll herself up, she most likely is feeling unattractive and rejected by you and her way of dealing now is to get that attn from other men to validate shes still beautiful and help her feelings of rejection and inadequacy. I did it too! And it wasnt beause i was ready to run into the arms of another man, i just wanted to feel normal, attractive, get away from the terrible side effects, environment the addiction caused. It will take both time and efforts. She is lost in her misery, i hope she comes around and decides that she rather give it another try, especiallywith children involved.
What happened after that hug and her change of mind? Did she change her mind back and just got cold on you? She might have experienced something that day that triggered her anger back again, it couldve simply been her watching tv and seeing some pretty women and wondering if you would be lusting after them, thats why she needs real therapy. I can only say what i think shes going through which is what many of us SO do, she's flipping back and forth between anger and sorrow. She wants to forgive and make it work but she knows she's heard this before and after all the years to know you went back, she's not sure who she married or if you ever recovered at all. She feels betrayed, duped of a lifetime with the man she married and bore children with, she has a lot of bitterness ad resentment right now. She's probably wondering if you did anything worse she doesnt know about since everything you say to her right now is a lie. I highly doubt many women who have built a lifetime with their spouse and had children together really want to go back out their in the dating world and start from scratch. I would imagine your wife is most likely not the grass is greener type of lady but the grass she's been watering has been wilting away and she had hopes with all her efforts to try and water it time and time again, so she may ask herself now, what will make the difference this time to keep watering the same soil she's been on for 7 +years?
I Understand you are not willing to live a life time like this forever, but you can't undue the years of damage in a short time. All you can do like i said is show her consistency, she will judge based on what she sees and feels, not what you tell her. If she sees your not committed if you dont get it your way or if your pressuring her to "get over it", she will feel it's just the same thing again.
Until then you can decide, you can walk away or deal with the consequences of your behavior until you cant take anymore but if you love her and want to save your family you need to let her reach HER point of readiness, like she had to wait for you.
Concentrate more on your recovery then her timeline, live day by day. If its meant to be, all this unhealthy things she's doing will come to light for her, shell realize itsa facde with time and she will stop and try to recover with you. There are no guarantees in life, except that if you do the right things you can live in good conscience and letting bad things go will be better for you, with or without your wife, you need to be happy with you.

 

Don't think negative, new lesson for the day towards your recovery is to learn to think positive, read some good books,to help you!
Yes, you are both still alive and healthy and your kids too. Good outlook!
Life is good, will be good, when you do what you need to get there, that doesn't mean expecting or hoping someone else will get you there!
The only expectation you should have in life is that you will make yourself a Better person.