Advice needed! - 190 days in and I still can't hold an erection during sex. I'm sad, please help.

• So I started nofap, a serious one on January 1st. Prior to that, I was working hard towards nofap. I went on 3 month streaks to randomly lose my goal and have to reset. I did that three or four times or so, been working towards it for the past two years.
  
  
• I have a decent history of nofap. I feel like everyone's history is pretty unique. I don't know if I should go full on detail but I'll try and include what I can if you're willing to read.
  
  
• To sum it up, I masturbated everyday from age 11 to 21, then I got my first girlfriend (2013). I didn't realize but I had difficulty maintaining an erection during sex. Blowjobs felt mundane, full on sex was a struggle. We usually went no condom, she was on the pill, yet it still felt "meh". I preferred watching porn, over having sex. I would actually try and watch porn while having sex. After about two years we broke up (for a different reason) and I realized I had a problem (2015).
  
  
• I decided it was time I try and get to the bottom of things. I learned about nofap, porn addiction etc. I didn't realize how severe my case was; I needed the deathgrip to feel pleasure.
  
  
• So I went on a nofap journey of about 3 months or so, I don't remember if I still watched porn or not (edging too, I don't recall). My streak ended and I started over again, etc. I got better, ditched the porn, no more edging, strict. But then eventually ended up relapsing again.
  
  
• So fast forward to the present. I've been strong, since January 1st, 2017. No porn, NoFap, multiple wet dreams have occurred since, and I have strong erections in the morning. But here's my issue.
  
  
• I'm sure many of us have this fear of not being able to perform and get it up during sex, and then having that moment of just ugh. I was having sex with one girl back in April, and luckily she was very understanding after I explained everything to her.
  
  
• I've noticed though that I'm only able to hold an erection if I'm lying down (I masturbated like that most of my life). As soon as I stand up or try switching positions into say doggy style, I become flaccid again. I was able to have sex with her, with her on top but that was basically it. As soon as I tried another position, I would lose it.
  
  
• It sucks that I'm bound to lying down. I can't exactly "practice" my standing/on knee erections since I'm not allowed to look at porn, nor masturbate. As well, I don't have sex often at all, so I can't exactly get "better" in that sense either? This is very frustrating!
  
  
• I really don't know what to do. I tried having sex the other night with another girl, and I didn't exactly get a chance to full on penetrate her. I ended up cumming from a blowjob (I was laying down, 69), but I guess that's kind of a good thing since I didn't much care for blowjobs before? I wanted to grab a condom but she got to me too quickly >.>
  
  
• I felt bad the rest of the night though. I don't know how common that feeling is, but I just felt shitty. Basically not being able to perform for her. It's upsetting, and I feel like less of a man. I wish I could've gotten it up and recovered. I just laid there naked, she sucked the life out of me. I couldn't move or think clearly, it was wild.
  
  
• After sex during pillow talk, it was kind of awkward. I ended up talking about weird topics because I didn't know what to talk about; my brain wasn't thinking straight. I know I wanted to tell her about my erectile dysfunction so I began leading the conversation towards masturbation and porn and I told her I didn't do it.
  
  
• She thought I was joking but when I told her I was serious, she kind of just? I don't know honestly? It wasn't exactly supportive to say the least. I think she was just very disappointed and maybe even a little frustrated. She came over after all the sexual buildup expecting to get fucked good, and I couldn't give her what she wanted. I hate this feeling and I hate myself for it, I'm fucking ashamed.
  
  
• She ended up leaving not too long after. I felt like shit. That night, I couldn't sleep at all. I just felt angst all through my body as I tossed and turned. My mind replayed and relived what happened throughout the night. The next night I was only able to sleep for an hour. This is seriously hurting me, I had to make a post.
  
  
• I've learned it's especially hard having sex with new partners because you never know what's going to happen. And then you tend to worry about it during sex and it becomes counter productive. I never know how my partner is going to take it, and dread the awkwardness. It's this viscous cycle that I can't break. I really don't know if I'm going to be hearing from her again after that debacle.
  
  
• And another issue too, the times that I did have full on sex previously, I never wore a condom. I'm afraid I wont be able to feel anything with a condom on. I have a tough enough time as is trying to get an erection. I don't know what to do!
  
  
• I don't want to feel like this anymore. I thought I was healing. I wish I just had a normal sex life! Gosh I wish I didn't have to worry about this. All of my friends have normal sex lives, not even thinking about this, going into any position they want, while I'm here bound to lying in the bed. Different positions seem like so much fun T_T
  
  
• I can actually almost pinpoint the exact moment when my penis "broke". Ironically, I was doing nofap November before nofap even became a thing (years ago, 2011 maybe?). I decided to try it, but I didn't really know the rules. I more so did no cum. I still watched porn, and just kept edging and edging. I truly believe from that, I killed my penis.
  
  
• As I edged up close to climax, I would stop, and I would become flaccid, just for me to start masturbating again. But I noticed I was masturbating with a flaccid penis and I would eventually cum. I think I basically trained my penis to cum while flaccid. Essentially, my penis thinks it doesn't need to have a full on erection to cum so it doesn't get fully erect anymore, only semi-erect. My penis just kind of became this way after that I think; watching porn for hours, edging and edging not realizing the damage I was doing to my body.
  
  
• I need advice guys. I don't know what to do. I'm not watching porn or masturbating, I think I'm somewhat over it. I just want to be more proactive. What else can I do to speed up this process? I'm relatively healthy, gym, eat okay. Will kegels help me maintain my erection? I remember not even having to try to hold an erection when I was younger, my penis would twitch from being engorged. Now I'm literally fighting to keep it up, hoping the blood doesn't leave my penis into other parts of my body.
  
  
• I don't know what else there is to do. I think it might be time to see the doctor. I don't know if I was exactly avoiding it before but I thought I could've "fixed" this myself. How many people have actually "recovered" from doing nofap, to having full on normal erections and a regular sex life? Please help me.

Sidenote - I've been doing some research on others who may have the same issue as me, unable to obtain erections while on their knees or standing. One person said that they practiced by masturbating while standing and cumming for a month.

I'm prepared to end my year long goal of not masturbating if it'll help me obtain normal erections again. I expected to be "healed" by now since many claim they've been successful after 90 days. I don't believe there will be any benefit if I just keep trucking along doing nothing.

What do you guys think?

 

I'm actually calling my doctor right now to set an appointment up to discuss some of my issues. How easy is it to get blue pills?

As for the performance anxiety, I believe that can be attributed to about 30% of the issue but I don't think that's the main problem.

Reason why I say that is because it appears I can get an erection lying down, but as soon as I stand up or change positions it goes away.

It's the same if I'm alone or with someone. It doesn't change when I'm with someone so I can attribute it to performance anxiety.

 

Can you direct me to his story? Is it similar to mine at all?

I'm in the conundrum of quitting. I don't mean reverting back to watching porn and my old habits.

I mean more so of masturbating again, practicing masturbation while standing, and even wearing a condom too while I do it to prepare myself for safe sex since I'm worried about become flaccid with a condom on.

No, I will not be watching porn again.

 

Thank you all for the support. Also appreciate the link!