I just want to live but I'm an addict.

Hello Everyone, I'm Shahid Hani from South India, 21 years old man who have completed graduation. I have always wanted to quit porn and I always sought ways, most of the times I end up here in this amazing site and it has helped me a bit, I mean, reading some posts here. But you know? I didn't sign up until today. I'm a porn addict, severely. I can look back into my years and can see how distant i have transgressed from real me, I always thought I hadn't change, but now I'm not the same. I have the history of traveling through porn from soft horizons to the severe categories that almost put my soul behind the bars. I have been trying to escape from porn ever since I started it but each time I failed myself. Now it's been 4-5 years, with 1-2 months intervals sometimes, but I had always relapsed. I also compensated my nofap days with my terrible masturbating hours. I have comorbid ADHD+anxiety disorder+bipolar II. This ride is very crazy, I want grip back on my life again, I'm trying so hard not to think about hanging myself. But I have ashamed myself with vulgar pornography, I had transition from categories to categories and now I'm almost into gay sex while I'm hetrosexual. I'm more interested in dominant woman, cfnm, strapon, fetishes. I wasn't this guy, I have changed a lot, I just feel like I wanna kill myself. Last 40 days I abstained from porn/masturbating but I relapsed again, im so rude to myself and I have already masturbated 12 times with in 2 days, I masturbated to clothed female naked male stuff. I'm afraid now, very very afraid. I'm working temporarily at my cousin's tours and agency and I should reach there in the morning 9 but I didn't sleep last night, till the sun came up I held my penis and thrusted against my palms, my hands curse me, God hates me. I feel so ashamed to talk to anyone, especially with family, Dad. I'm sorry mother, I'm such an unorganized, irresponsible young man who have no vision at all. I'm sorry everyone here but I need help. It's really scary that I masturbated from 12 in the night to 6 in the morning. Then I slept for two hours before going to workplace. I'm a serious case, but I think I'm going through mania cycles of bipolar disorder, that's why I couldn't stop myself from porn and cigarettes. But now I'm here with great determination. I would never fail myself again. I'm here to quit porn and get back life again in my arms and I shall serenade my life till I die but you guys should help to push and pull on through, I can't masturbate to slutty videos and ruin my life anymore, I have so much to do or else I will be missing out and everyone will be missing me