How Important Losing Your Virginity Is

I wanted to write about this a long time ago, but I hesitated because I didn’t want to be perceived as a hypocrite. Everything we write on this forum should be from our own experience, or at least from other people’s experience. Also, we shouldn’t preach what we don’t or can’t practice.

But now I can remember that 23 years ago I knew a person who could practice.

Virtually all male teenagers want to lose their virginity. Losing virginity is seen as the supreme test that you have to pass in order to prove you’re a man; it’s true: if a girl or woman wants to have sex with you, it really means a lot of things. We don’t talk about girls who are under the influence of alcohol or any other substances or whose self-esteem is extremely low – but what people consider to be the average, normal kind of girls. In general, when a girl wants to have sex with a guy, it means not only she’s attracted to him, but also that she sees him as reliable, intelligent, strong, family-oriented, etc.

Why are men in general so obsessed with getting rid of their virginity. In order to get the answer to this question we should have a look at our entire society and its values. Also, at how different forces or factors in our world influence our minds. Almost everybody around us keep telling us how unimportant losing virginity is and that we should focus on our goals instead – studying, working, helping others, enriching our lives. Yet, they behave in a way that is in total contradiction with what they say.

Almost everybody around us – even adults like our parents – will talk with admiration about a guy who’s lucky with girls. In ‘official’ discussions with their kids, parents will preach about how important it is to be a hard-working, committed person, whereas when talking to their friends we may hear them joking about some lucky guy in an admiring way.

A girl may declare that she is looking for a caring, kind, nice guy, only to discover later that she’s secretly in love with the opposite version of that guy.

In movies, important male characters are depicted as machos who are desired by all women.

Teachers will usually look with admiration at a student who is perceived as lucky with girls, in spite of his disruptive behavior or poor grades.

I think this favorable attitude towards losing virginity is naturally derived from our admiration for successful people. When you achieve something you can say you ‘conquered’ that thing. When you are successful with a woman you have basically 'conquered' her.

The conqueror mentality is deeply ingrained in our minds and endorsed by society. Everybody wants to be a conqueror, not a conquered victim, let alone a loser who will never even think about conquering something. Also, any woman in her right mind will want to date a conqueror, not what our society considers to be a loser.

What it means to be a conqueror:

- Courageous
- A pioneer
- An explorer
- Tough
- Self-possessed
- A leader
- A decision-maker
- Has will power
- A man of action
- Has skills
- A fighter
- Speaks his mind
- Has no hidden addictions
- Has advanced in career and society due to his merits
- Has connections and knows important people
- Rewards other people according to their merits
- Competitive
- Has a stable and respected position in society
- Is desired by women – is a prize / trophy
- Extremely clever
- Is in good relationships with everybody
- Has servants who do the menial, boring work, while he deals with big concepts and actions
- Will have lots of children who will respect and later on protect him
- Popular
- Will soon become a legend

If we look at the list above and then at ourselves, most of us are going to have a nervous breakdown. How many of the qualities listed above do we possess? These are qualities that very few adults have, not to mention teenagers.

And yet, if we look at the list again, we won’t see anything about losing one's virginity, either. Someone may reply that losing virginity doesn’t even have to appear on the list – it’s understated.

Now let’s remember how many people suffer because they don’t have the perfect facial features or the perfect body, because they don’t have enough money to buy the latest I-phone, an expensive car or a house, because they don’t have singing or sporting skills to become famous and envied, or because they don’t get enough respect from a colleague or neighbor.

Why do many of us invest so much energy to the point we may sacrifice our lives or our families to get one or some of the things listed in the paragraph above? Amazon tribes don’t seem to suffer from this. It seems they have a limit on their desires. But we will never have enough. It is because society makes us desire these things, through manipulation, peer pressure, commercials, movies, and through the very way our consumer society is built and organized. But society is not the only culprit – we are greedy and shallow, and all society has to do is just encourage our greed and shallowness.

Let’s imagine for a moment that all the forces and factors in our society are working together in order to make us thirsty not for money, fame and good looks, but for generosity, honesty, loyalty, modesty, and respect for nature and family. I’m not talking about kids being educated at school or by documentaries. I mean, let’s imagine that whenever a kid would look around, and anywhere he would look, he would only see respect for these values. Also, he would see that society encourages and rewards the people who respect these values, not those who only care about money, fame, etc. I believe that suddenly it would be cool to be generous and modest, because all the role models that kid would see in our society would be like that.

The same goes with virginity. Society should make boys be thirsty for courage, kindness, health, nature, modesty and a clean life, not for sleeping with a girl. Very important: in my opinion, society should not force any of these values down young people’s throats, but it should reward those who respect them and thus make young people want to be like them. Nowadays, we live in an absurd and paradoxical world: our society preaches about being modest and staying healthy, and yet it advertises and rewards the very ones who destroy these values.

However, in spite of our society, 23 years ago, when I was in high school, I knew a guy who cared for values other than losing his virginity. He was one of my friends and schoolmates. He was tall, handsome, fond of basketball and a good son, student and athlete. Many of his friends were like him. He wasn’t a weirdo or a freak. He just cared for other (superior) values.

Not only sex is important for us humans. Generosity, cooperating with others and helping others is as important for the survival of our species as sex. There is no natural or social rule that says that a man can’t be kind and masculine at the same time.

 

I lost mine in college. It wasn't that memorable.

 

I lost mine at 21. As long if you pick the right lady, then it would be a thing to remember.

 

This sounds disrespectful because it sounds like a woman is a game to be beaten until you move on to the next game but I agree with everything else in your post.

 

Hello everybody,

@luskos You're right, my post is too long. Young people should receive actions, instead of words, from us adults. I wrote a lot because this topic is very important for some teenagers. If we grown-ups did the right thing and our society really cared for all its members, maybe the Nofap community wouldn't even need to exist, and many teenagers would be more interested in bringing beauty and meaning into their lives than in losing their virginity. And words and long posts wouldn't be necessary. But I will try to write shorter posts.

@aarondf I admit it sounds disrespectful, but it's not me who is disrespectful - I just made an observation about how most of the people see relationships between humans - as a game of power, no matter if we talk about work relations, love and family relationships or even friendship. Everything around us is about power and conquering others, instead of conquering our own weaknesses and improving ourselves. That's why in the end of my post I wrote that a man can be masculine and kind at the same time - what I meant is that a man doesn't need to seduce thousands of women to be perceived as manly. The values that make a man be masculine are courage, kindness, cooperation, etc., not sleeping with lots of girls.

@hova Thank you for explaining things more clearly and briefly than me.