SO question

Hey, I also struggle from compliments at times, but the thing is, my fiance has never said things like that to me (for me that would feel objectifying). He has said things like that when using or right after quitting, but mostly he will compliment me on how beautiful I look, and say, "You look so gorgeous, you know that" and to me that means more than commenting on body parts. He see's me as a whole person. To me there is a huge difference in commenting on parts versus the whole person. Just my two cents.

 

@Sadgirl I also like dirty talk, but usually restricted to the bedroom when I ask for it. I have to be in a particular mood haha. Outside of the bedroom, I like more "respectful" compliments I guess you could say. I feel like there is a time and place to have dirty talk, and a time and a place to show your admiration for the person you're with.

 

My thoughts are, I want genuine compliments.
If it feels forced....or like, you Think you should, I don't care if it's "you look pretty" or "your ass looks great"
I don't want to hear it.
I want things said with the Hmph that I Believe the words coming out your mouth.
Which is like every 1/20 times.
I'm only accepting those.

 

I also struggle with this. My SO stopped complimenting my ass but mostly at my request. At times I feel like he still sees me as an object, not his loving wife. He also struggles because he wants to compliment me but knows they are triggers so he refrains which in turn hurts me too. It's like a double edge sword for us. I do want compliments but he doesn't know how to give them without hurting my feelings.

 

I ignore.
When I do hear a real one, I respond.
Major.
But mostly I just tune it out.... I walk out of the bathroom and we have a event and I know he thinks he should say something.... It's a automated "you look beautiful"... Nope.
But if I take my coat off and my hair falls and he says wow, I say thanks.
I don't want bullshit.
To know for sure tho...
When I Actually spend two hours looking nice for our big date.... No compliments.
Yeah, I can tell the auto response
It sucks.

 

My two pennies worth if I may (we don't have cents over here).

From a male perspective, even without the spectre of PA in a relationship, this is a tricky area. The safer domain, I think, is being appreciative of a SO's actions rather than appearance. So thanking them or complementing them for being thoughtful, helpful, diligent, funny, smart etc. takes the lust/objectification out of the equation. But what about physical appearance? If you and your SO are getting ready to go out and are getting 'dolled' up, and you appear after an hour or so with a 'ta dah' then you are in an artificial situation and the SO is expected to say 'you look great', so it is difficult to make it sound spontaneous and genuine, however heart-felt it might be.

I agree that a properly engaged SO should be appreciative of how you look. For the SO there are nuances here and some of us men are not good at nuances! Let's suppose you think your ass is your 'best feature' and you wear something a little bit tighter to accentuate it. Do you want your SO to notice? Probably. Do you want it to turn him on a little? Probably. Do you want him to complement you? Probably. Then it is down to the nuances of the words he chooses. He may say 'wow, you look fantastic' with a glance at your ass and big wide appreciative eyes and give you a hug. Tick. Very good. He may say 'nice ass' and give you a slap on the backside. That may not be what you want at that moment, or it might, depending on your mood. Or he may not bother to notice what you are wearing at all, and I think we can agree that that is not good, not being properly engaged with you.

Personally, I think the references to specific body parts - dirty talk or not - are best reserved for during love making, where your SO effectively has license to lust! I think it is fair game for him to say 'f*ck, I love your tits' if you've just shoved them in his face!

So i agree, outside of the bedroom, the SO should be complimenting you, not bits of you and for your behaviour and character as much as your appearance, but this is an area where the best of men will not always get it right.

ANH

 

He is talking about your butt and breasts not theirs. He wants you. When I'm with a woman especially naked the only butt and breasts I see are hers. There is no comparison to the feel of a real woman vs a picture or video.

 

The best drug I have ever had is the touch, feel, and scent of a woman. It's intoxicating and calming at the same time. If you get a chance feel his heartbeat when he lays next to you vs other times. It's slower and calmer. His muscles relax etc.

 

What I hate about being single isn't so much the sex (yes that matters) but sleeping in the bed alone at night. I want my lady by my side.

 

There is no getting around it, every action or statement is all under the umbrella of porn addiction. I'm going through recovery, which really feels great and positive and loving and she is going through pain and confusion and anger mixed with love and hope.
I just feel at this stage our emotions are so up and down. And There's always wonder "is that the porn behavior...?" It will take awhile but I'm trusting that slowly there will be less and less and hopefully we'll be completely out from under the "porn umbrella"
During this recovery, My wife is pretty good at letting me know how she feels.
And she's likes me feeling her breasts or butt and complimenting her about them. She enjoys a shocking somewhat dirty sexual expression. Not that that's the only complaints I'll give...it's like you need balance.
But sometimes she'll respond "you like my butt.. (as she wiggles it) ...then you better stick to recovery..or...you say that to your girl friend..or...you ain't gettin it!
She's letting me know she liked the comment but reminded me of the anger she's feeling.
It's playful but truthful and the point is made.

 

I'm just asking this as a question. At what point can you or do you ever really forgive him?

 

Well my fiance and I are over a year into recovery, and I don't view everything as under a porn umbrella anymore. I used to, earlier in the recovery journey. Now, we have this new normal, with hiccups of triggers along the way, but we have gotten back to a normal routine. I can say I've been working on forgiving my fiance since I found out. I can say there is a lot I can forgive, but still a lot we need to talk about and fully address before I can forgive those instances. For me, forgiveness came with understanding and processing. Once I was able to process certain parts of this, I was able to forgive. The parts I still haven't processed and we haven't talked about as much are the parts that are still things that can be triggering and I haven't forgiven because we haven't fully talked about those aspects. That's just my experience in forgiveness though.

 

I started to forgive (and I'm not done yet) after he started being honest and it didn't quit.
Even though fighting.
Even when it was uncomfortable.
Even when I was having a bad day and he was having a good day and then he had a surprise trigger or something and didn't put off marking it on his calendar.
This took a year almost tho.
I think it depends on how much work you are willing to do and how much you will put into your Reboot.
Also how much is expected from the SO.
VIA how much damage was done to the relationship.

 

Accept that in that moment he is having those thoughts about you and you alone. Other asses have looked good, that is why you are not the only woman in a relationship. Sure, he has disrespected you by Ming to other women in the past. Now he is pmo free he is not. Everyone will notice when an attractive person is in their field of vision. Your SO is no longer taking those initial thoughts any further and is reconnecting with you, and solidifying his devotion to you. He is communicating his attraction and longing. His past is past. Try to live in the moment. The trigger effect will likely fade over time.

 

I compliment my wife frequently on her body - and I'm pretty confident it's never a problem for her. When I first met her she was a complete mess in terms of body image. I can still remember the first time I saw her naked - it was like she was revealing her most shameful secret - even though she was a gorgeous 19 year old girl. I guess her negative image was due to crazy society standards and a decade of continuous sexual abuse.

Our relationship wasn't always functional - but over the past ten years I've made sure she always knew that I found her attractive - as well as lovely in many other ways. Her self confidence has grown substantially - and I can tell she knows I think she's beautiful.

Pixelated women were never real to me. Pixelated women (I generally only looked at still pictures of women) were almost an extension of my imagination. My imagination wasn't quite as vivid as the screen - so I would look.

Not saying it's okay or anything - just saying that even though they titillated me, they were never in the same league as my wife. I never thought about them except when I was looking at them, whereas my wife was grafted into my mind. There's only a very superficial comparison possible between a 2d image and a 4d person.

What I'm trying to say is - for me at least - those 2d images never meant anything to me. They were as meaningful as a drug you do - the only thing it means is the high you get from it.

Sorry women - for all the harm we've caused you. I know what I'm saying doesn't make much sense - it's not easy understanding the PA mind. Especially since each one of use probably has a unique relationship with porn.

 

Nah. Ogling is indefensible. Everyone we see on NoFap with successful streaks, and so many more that are struggling, will acknowledge that not controlling those thoughts leads to downfall/reset. So: being careful and averting eyes is a huge part of recovery in terms of rewiring the brain. (Which takes a long time, by the way. Probably proportional to the years of the problem. Such as maybe 14 years of problem means 3 years of carefully fixing the ogling issue.)

I'd be wary of overmuch indulgence in compliments morphed into sexual talk. For someone newly attempting recovery, that's just playing with fire. There's got to be a way to meet everyone's needs and still rebuild proper conduct on his part. You don't want to replace one drug with another. My recommendation is to advise him to compliment you only in ways that you two would feel are appropriate in public in front of friends or other people at the store or something.