Cheating?

No I don't consider porn cheating. It's probably unhealthy and unhelpful in relationships, but it isn't cheating per se.

 

No I don't consider using Porn to be cheating. If I walked home and saw my girlfriend masturbating to Porn I wouldn't feel like she cheated on me. If anything I would probably be aroused lol. Even though I don't condone Porn use

 

I never did when I used porn, but it was hurtful to my SO and when she expressed her feelings of betrayal and her stance I would now consider it so. Not to the same degree of severety as cheating with a flesh and blood human and in person, but it would be a betrayal for me to return to P. A part of the appeal of P (if I am totally honest) is the novelty of other people than my SO being involved in the fantasy scenario. I was not yearning for an actual experience with these women, but the fantasy was exciting. I can see how hurtful that could be and how it amounts to a betrayal. I will never be able to turn off the part of myself that is attracted to attractive women, but I can certainly stop engaging and indulging in fantasies that hurt and dishonour my SO. I have no intention of developing self-hatred over my past actions but I certainly never wish to return to them.

 

Damn, well that's pretty bad. I hope you set him straight

 

If you have to lie about it, delete it, hide it, or cover it up.... If when asked you refuse to give a straight answer, use I don't know or lie, it's cheating.
If you don't want it done in the exact same way you are doing it to you as you are doing it to them in the exact same fashion, it's cheating.
And finally, if you wouldn't do it with your partner right next to you, it's cheating.

I had no problem with porn in the relationship.
Until the lying.
The lying and sneaking around made it cheating.
It's breaking the terms we previously set up in the relationship.
That's where it went wrong for us.

 

We fought for a year before he got clean.
I learned how to condense my speech... I yelled it so much
Now he's a year PM free plus some.
Only one real relapse in there... And a blip. It's been a long couple of years.
He will be the first to say "it's cheating"
Because the way HE CHOSE TO DO IT, WAS.
Everyone has different boundaries.
So does every couple.
Defining cheating, depends on both of these things.

 

If you have to ask if it's cheating it's cheating.

 

As I said I don't think it's cheating, but I'll elaborate the discussion as a way of staving off my urge to watch it

I respect everyone's opinion who thinks it is cheating, due to the experience in their relationships. Honestly I struggle with these questions of where the boundaries are between cheating and not cheating in a lot of areas. I might be in the minority by being a little bearish on what is cheating.

For instance, is it cheating to reminisce about an ex who I was once in love with and currently have little contact with beyond the occasional social media comment?

Is it cheating to text with a friend in another state, usually about normal goings-on in our lives, sometimes to support each other in drama with our spouses?

Is it cheating to drink and flirt with a married friend with whom I share common interests, given we both understand it as a fun "escape" and understand we're both committed to our spouses (and friends with each others spouses also) but just need to feel alive and have fun and support each other?

If so, I'm guilty on all three counts. However, I've never slept with, dated, or so much as kissed another girl over 13 years since I met my spouse. So I wouldn't put myself in the "cheater" category. If these things are not cheating, what exactly would make porn cheating?

There is a point where labeling things as cheating fails to reckon with our emotional and physical needs as individuals, which sometimes our married life does not fulfill to our satisfaction and so we look elsewhere. This is just reality.

I don't condone cheating, but can sympathize with it. Anna Karenina is my literary heroine. She stubbornly refused to be constrained by a relationship that left her emotionally wanting, and pursued her passion to tragic ends. Not a path I would follow or recommend, but a great example of the all-to-human need for loving and feeling loved, wanting someone and feeling wanted. If marital life becomes mediocre and we don't get that emotional stimulus, people are flawed and will tend to seek out that feeling through other behaviors - drugs, porn, actual cheating, or less destructive behaviors that seek the same end.

Drawing hard boundaries around "cheating" sometimes avoids reckoning with this emotional lack that drives these behaviors.

I don't mean to offend anyone and do appreciate honest feedback. I'm not arguing it is right to watch porn (I think its wrong and I'm quitting), just that I wouldn't classify it in the cheating category.

 

My wife does not consider P use cheating. We have watched it together (probably four times total) in the past. I have also specifically asked if she has a problem with me watching it and she has said no. So theoretically I could watch it all that I wanted. However it seems like we actually have more of a "don't ask, don't tell policy". So some of the things that @Jolie discussed above end up applying. I'm not comfortable using P in front of my wife or her seeing all the different P that I have watched.

I also feel like if I'm using P (due to the various ways that it affects me) it hinders my ability to be the best possible husband for my wife. For example - honestly, yes if I'm heavily into P then physical relations with my beautiful wife do seem less appealing (and how sad/pathetic is that?). As I've stated before, I've already seen more than my fair share of P and I don't want anymore.

As I'm still struggling with my recovery, at this point, like @JakeWoods stated above I would probably find it a turn on if my wife was using P. I would have an issue with her using it if she began to choose it over myself.

So I do think that P use can be a form of cheating. I don't however feel like it's on the same "level" as physically or emotionally cheating with another person.

Let's say a couple is planning a trip to Disneyland. They've both never gone and are looking forward to the trip. One half of the couple decides to watch a virtual video tour of Disneyland. Would it then be reasonable for the one who didn't watch the video to say, "since you went without me to Disneyland I drove to Universal Studios and spent the day there myself". In my opinion, no this would not be sensible.

In the same vain I think it would be equally "over the top" for someone to physically cheat with another person because their partner viewed P.

 

I do consider porn cheating. Porn takes your thoughts away from your significant other. It may not be physically cheating but it is damn sure mentally cheating and that can be worse than physically cheating. Your mind isn't on how to satisfy your significant other, and when I say that, I don't mean just physically but also mentally, it is all about the instant gratification and the fantasy of you being in the position of whatever it is you are looking at.

You feel like you were cheated on, because you were. That is something that isn't easy to get over. Let your feelings out about it. It is ok to be angry, sad, mad and you name it. Just don't ever push them down because it can come to bite you in the ass later. You don't have to let it all out at once, but just what you are able to deal with in the moment.

Stay strong!

 

See?
To each relationships own.
Again, I also had no problem until the lies @Sadgirl

 

This

 

Wish I could give more than just 1 like. This deserves a thousand. Plus a thousand more for every PA that agrees.

 

Probably not, no.

It's kind of a point of semantics. If you phrase the question as "do you consider secret porn use to be significantly dishonest behaviour" I imagine it would be c. 100% yes. But I happen to see cheating as a specific, different form of dishonesty. Like pretending to be a vegetarian and then retiring to the bathroom each night to eat a chicken burger. And hoping she doesn't query why all the toilet tissue is gone after you cleaned up the spilled mayonnaise.

I could be persuaded otherwise though.

 

It's up to the couple to define it themselves.