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I've been trying to reboot for about 3 years now - no success

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by LetsJustCallItOff, Aug 11, 2017.

  1. LetsJustCallItOff

    LetsJustCallItOff Fapstronaut

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    Hey all, so I'm just going to be blunt here. Sorry in advance if this sounds like a bit of a pity party or that I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself, but these things are really bothering me, and I don't have anyone else to say this to. I'm not sure if this is really the right place for something of this nature, but it's about my reboot and problems surrounding it.

    I've been trying to reboot for a solid three years now (I started when I was around 15 and now I'm about a month away from turning 18) and literally nothing has worked, in fact my problem is probably worse off than what I started with. Right now I relapse every other day and I'm on chat rooms (which is like my form of porn, even though I sometimes watch porn too) for 12 hours straight, and the conversations that I have with people in these chat rooms are progressively getting worse and worse. I go to bed at like 2am and get up late-ish the next day and have nothing to do and no motivation to do anything anyway, so I just rinse and repeat. I constantly feel depressed or just emotionless completely, my family are getting to the point where they genuinely have no time to deal with my shit anymore, my relationship with my mum is slowly getting worse and she's angry a lot of the time at everyone, it's not fun, and since my older brother moved out about a year ago, she directs her anger solely at me and as she has a very dysfunctional relationship with her partner, she's very sad a lot of the time.

    I've told my mum three times about my problem with PMO. The first time she got my older brother to convince me that it wasn't a problem and that everyone does it (my brother still thinks this as far as I know). The second time I just burst into tears and she accepted that I have an issue, and said that she'd help, but it didn't really work as she refuses to think that I have an 'addiction' or a 'problem' because she's a strong believer in the fact that overcoming addiction is due to willpower and that she's raised me to become a great person in every way, so I shouldn't have any problems. I told her about my PMO problems again for a third time, but didn't help matters much either.
    Today she assumes that I'm just normal again because I've just not said anything, because it hasn't helped saying anything by in the past, even though sometimes when I'm feeling depressed in front of the family or with her friends I'll later get the remark 'don't go back to what you used to do.' or she'll use the my porn problem as leverage in an argument. Although I've painted my mum as a very horrible person, but she does care a lot about me and would do anything to help me.

    I've lost a lot of my friends, as we moved a long way away to the middle of the countryside about a year ago and they no longer speak to me and none of them keep in contact, so I constantly feel isolated and alone. I've tried to message them on facebook, but have been ignored by them a few times. My only real hobby is reading, and even that involves being alone somewhere. I've tried 'doing more', but I honestly don't know what to do and don't know what 'doing more' involves(I know that sounds very stupid, but it's true) We live a good 40 minute walk for the nearest town, and even that has only a handful of small shops and all my new friends live about an hour away by train as that's the closest college to me.
    In term time (when I'm at college) I spend literally all my time doing work in order to get the highest grades possible, and even with this amount of work I still feel like PMO is having a negative impact on my grades.

    I've tried many things to stop, I've even tried combining methods to help: meditation, journalling, going outside, accountability partners and groups, internet filters and blockers, doing more outside, exercise, cold showers, listening to audiobooks and watching videos on NF and PMO addiction, sleep schedules, reading articles on this forum, getting up earlier, learning about the addiction and it's science, learning about triggers, learning what times of the day I get triggered and hell I've read pretty much every book under the sun that's recommended to help, but nothing has helped me terminate this thing for good.

    I've had periods when I've managed to get to 30 days, a few months and even 70 days one time, but that was before we moved, where I had more friends and did more. A few months ago I did get to 30 days however, but then slipped back into my current routine. I've tried to repeat what I've tried to achieve 70 days a few times, but that hasn't worked again.

    So if you've got this far, I'd firstly like to say a wholehearted thank you, because it really means a lot to me and secondly congrats, as you just read through a whole lot of my personal problems which probably sound a bit whiny.

    It would be wonderful if anyone has any insights into anything above. Thanks again guys.
     
    Swagnation and plant goodness like this.
  2. Dreambigcities

    Dreambigcities Fapstronaut

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    Hi there,

    Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time.

    It may sound silly now, but you're very young and things will change and get better. Also, there's a lot of positivity to be celebrated here: you've opened up to your family, informed yourself with research and show that you still have a determination to change :).

    Don't beat yourself up for feeling that you haven't accomplished your ultimate goal; from reading this, you've already achieved a huge amount in your awareness.

    Have you tired removing all of your devices to tackle your porn usage?

    If you ever need to talk to someone confidentially, and everyone needs to talk, there are the Samaritans. You can find their number online.
     
  3. LetsJustCallItOff

    LetsJustCallItOff Fapstronaut

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    @Dreambigcities Thanks man, that's really helped.

    Well, I've tried removing my devices, but I use them a lot for work, but I think considerably limiting my time would help a lot.

    I've heard of the Samaritans, but that's never really crossed my mind. Thank you.
     
    Dreambigcities likes this.
  4. Pmo is in the past

    Pmo is in the past Fapstronaut

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    The more you try,the easier it gets.Dont give up.
     
    LetsJustCallItOff and Lions like this.
  5. MarloweArcher

    MarloweArcher Fapstronaut

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    So you have had successes. So you can do this.

    Few things: stop the chat rooms. Just don't. Move the computer to another room or other side.
    Get to bed at a normal hour.
    Get a better sleep cycle

    You have some other things going on and you are fixating on the porn. Its like you can control the porn addiction because other things seem out of your control. You decide when, how much and what to watch.

    Recommit. Make a day goal to stop then commit to two then three each day. Building on each day's success. Tell yourself you can do this, by saying no today you are in control.

    Good luck and keep us posted.
     
    LetsJustCallItOff likes this.
  6. plant goodness

    plant goodness Fapstronaut

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    Dude quit the self pity.
     
  7. plant goodness

    plant goodness Fapstronaut

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    Does posting that gif make you feel hard? Think you are ready with that pseudo military Hollywood dogshit?
     

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