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was going to marry in 10 weeks but got discovered and now I have lost her

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by xavi111, Aug 16, 2017.

  1. xavi111

    xavi111 Fapstronaut

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    5 days ago my fiancee managed to get the truth out of me. We had been having problems with Erectile dysfunction, and I thought not, but i believe now it was realted to PA.
    After confessing to that, I had told her before I did it in the past but never since being with her, i confessed all the other lies i had told her, some big some little.
    As a result she has lost all trust in me, and we are over.
    She is supporting me into this, and I have started seeing a counsellor, but at the moment i think she would first date an orc than trying to come back to me.
    Any suggestions?? both from Fastronauts and partners?
     
  2. PicNick

    PicNick Fapstronaut

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    In hindsight, I think your shouldn't bundle all confessions together, some can't take it all at once. I am not saying you should have lied, but perhaps spread the blow. However, you are the best judge of her.

    Yet, be glad that she's supporting you. Keep her involved and posted of your progress. There can still be hope if you do well on recovery. Good luck.
     
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain. We cannot avoid the consequences of our actions forever. I think your story is another living example of how lies and deceit destroy intimacy and trust. Do not regret telling her the truth, that was the right thing to do.

    Right now you need to focus on recovery, not trying to win her back. Either way, you need every ounce of strength to focus on getting clean. It is a process that will take many months. The basis of your recovery is doing this for Yourself, not to win her back.

    The qualities you develop might he attractive to her someday. Perhaps you have hurt her too deeply. This is a new chapter in your life. It is an opportunity to escape from the prison that surrounds you. This turn of events can also be viewed as a blessing... would you have changed once you were married or would you have destroyed each other even more?

    Welcome to the community and I hope we can help you become the person you want to be.
     
  4. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman

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    First and foremost, work your recovery. Not only is it critical to your well-being, but it is the only possibility of reconciling things with your fiancee. How close were you to getting married? How much money was already put down for the wedding? As much as we hate to admit it, money can be a factor.

    Encourage her to get support for the hurts caused to her.

    What's also a factor is "the big lies" you told her. Youd didn't share those with us, and you don't have to, but those can absolutely play a factor. If your big lie was, "I'm at work," when you were really at home playing video games, maybe not bad. If your big lie was, "I'm at work" when you were with another woman, that would be a far more severe concern.
     
  5. xavi111

    xavi111 Fapstronaut

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    ah no, no cheating involved. i have kids from a previous relationship, I tried to make them not become an issue by hiding problems realted to them, so I had to do some paperwork in London and when I went to work there (i don't normally do) I derouted to do the paperwork and hid I had been there. And things like that, this one i said is important, because now she can't trust I am where I say I am... for obvious reasons.

    I agree with all of you in that getting better should be my priority but she is my favourite person inthe world and she is hurting, I need/want to try to do something to solve that... and about getting together it will happen or not, but I'll try now, next week next month, next year... whenever I'll keep trying. I know what i did was to create a false image of myself, because I was to ugly inside (or my cirscumstances and issues) and in that way I trapped her. Now she has to be free, and that means she would choose and it might be me or it might not be me (most likely)... I am prepare to continue the rebooting even if I am not in her life, but I can't not keep loving and hoping, I just can't.

    I understand is selfish, but that is how i fell and about that I will ask no forgiveness
     
  6. xavi111

    xavi111 Fapstronaut

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    Once I started with the biggest one, the rest i had to let them out, also she wanted to know all, all, all.. although she doesn't believe I am telling the truth yet.. but at least I have done it, and I can make peace with that.
     
  7. xavi111

    xavi111 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the comments guys!!
     
  8. SOSo

    SOSo Fapstronaut

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    I agree letting everything out in the open starts the healing process. If you give her drips rather than the whole bucket, she'll only be thinking "what's next?" and never really feeling like she knows everything (and trust me most of us SO's want to know EVERYTHING). Being honest is such a huge step to recovery and I'm proud of you for taking that leap.

    Yes, the focus is on you, totally, for recovery. It is YOUR journey. That being said, it doesn't mean that part of that journey is not making amends and trying to recover damaged relationships. Do this for yourself, but it doesn't hurt to try building those bridges of intimacy and trust with her again. Try taking a look at the Partner Support Forums for insight into how she may be feeling. Many of the journals on their detail the recovery process in relationships.

    Keep up the good work, good luck on your journey, and I can also recommend some books for you:

    Your Brain On Porn
    Sex Addiction Cure
    Rebuilding Trust (This is written by someone very religious and Christian, which we are not, so if you're uncomfortable with the word "God" or "Prayer", think "Universe" and "Meditation", "Flying Spaghetti Monster" or "eating jelly sandwiches" or whatever floats your boat).
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2017
  9. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    you've gotten some great advice in this thread. re-read them everyday for a week. there's not one comment that was made that is not 100% correct.

    dig in. learn more about yourself and your addiction. let your GF heal at her own rate. you focus and work on you.

    there is hope dude! don't let this awful experience go by without getting better. make this your bottom.

    best of luck!
     
  10. xavi111

    xavi111 Fapstronaut

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    You are right about the feedback quality! Thank you all, in will reread them often
    And about hitting rock bottom... I felt I was so covered in shit I there was no truth I couldn't tell her and I couldn't go lower either... That was it bottom bottom.. So the only way is up! I had a positive chat with her yesterday, she is great.. So maybe, only maybe.. There is light at the end of the tunnel?
    Just to reiterate this doesn't change my resolution, if anything it reinforces it :)
     

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