Female attention

So you basically want to live a Chad lifestyle?

 

Chad is a boogieman the betas invented.

The ones who like to call themselves the "incels."

 

I suppose we all look back at our past and think there are things we should have done differently. You seem to have a mature attitude though. I think it's a shame though that you feel you are not allowed to contribute to making decisions - perhaps this is something you should bring up with your wife.

 

@RocCity im reading this and one thing I notice is you have some pretty concrete goals for your life sans marriage (less debt, a move, exploration). Have you tried talking to your wife about these things? You say she's into Marvel and conventions (cosplay maybe? totally hot) so she sounds like a pretty fun lady.

My point is you two don't seem on the same page at all. Before traveling down the road of marriage failure maybe you should first make sure you've exhausted every possibility to making the marriage work that my friend would be a bigger regret than missing out on sex with strangers in your 20s.

Part of the problem could be that your wife has a strong (dare I say dominant) personality. You can't just fold over on things that matter to you. I'm not saying you need to be all Alpha male, but having dated and married strong women, I can assure you they don't want to be married to men who roll over. Strong women need strong men.

You two have lost whatever connection you had in the beginning and you have to work to find it again. You two definitely something you can do together--something regular like a workout class or dancing lessons or cooking class--whatever. It doesn't matter as long ass you do it together and have fun, shared experi McDs.

And no flirting is not cheating. As long as you do it with no real intent. We all like to be desired by the opposite sex. That's just human nature.

And the drinking sounds like a big oroblem. That shit will kill you bro.

 

Here is a question... Why did you marry in the first place?

 

Do something to attract and deserve the attention tou crave from your wife.

 

Boy oh boy... I went through this, and let me tell you, it almost destroyed my marriage. Dangerously close to divorce, and it was mostly my fault. Most of the problems I thought I had with him were because of me not doing anything to fix them and allowing them to get worse and worse.

Let me tell you the best advice I've ever heard since then:

The grass isn't greener on the other side. The grass is green where you water it.

Start watering your marriage, dude. When I came to the point of being on the brink of divorce, and I finally made the decision that that wasn't what I wanted, I told myself, well, if I'm not going to divorce him, then I might as well pour everything I possibly have into making this marriage the greatest thing I could ever hope for. That was about a year ago, and currently I am cuddled up next to my man, watching Smallville and enjoying the time together that we each look forward to all day, every day. I can honestly say my marriage has never been better. And I almost lost it all, from doing exactly what you're doing -- looking for companionship from someone other than my spouse, rather than facing the problems we had head on and working through them.

Please learn from my mistakes and turn back to your wife! Start watering your grass like crazy! It's the only way to keep things green.

 

Well, that's where the watering comes into play. The point of what I'm saying is that if you water your relationship, it likely won't continue to be so dry and hollow anymore. And if you don't want to get divorced (for whatever reason... kids, love, religion, whatever), then you might as well give it everything you've got, right? My mindset was... If I'm going to have to live in this marriage for the rest of my life, I need to try harder to make it something I greatly enjoy. Of course both of you need to be on board, though. But even if she isn't on board right away, I think she will come around. She doesn't want to get divorced either, according to you, and I guarantee she doesn't want to live a miserable life with a boring, hollow marriage. If you start putting in more effort, she very well may follow suit, because right now you're probably both feeling hopeless, but if she sees hope in you, it might be contagious. I know that's how I felt when I was in this position. I really didn't think that it was possible for my marriage to ever be good again. But I was wrong! And now if I ever have those feelings again in the future, I will know that that's not true. It IS possible, but it takes work and it takes both people willing to do the work. My husband wasn't as willing as I was for a while, mostly because he didn't even see anything wrong with our marriage, but over time we've both gotten there. I pray that happens for you as well.

When I was in your shoes and really on the brink of leaving, if I'm being honest, my emotions were completely dead and out of it. My heart did NOT want to stay and fight for our marriage. Not at all. I really, honestly, made that decision because a) I know divorce is against God's plan for us, b) I made a vow to him and God, in front of witnesses, and that means something to me, and mostly c) I didn't feel like I had really done everything I possibly could to make things better. If I had exhausted every option, including kind of the "last ditch effort" of going to marriage counseling (which we considered, but ultimately didn't end up doing), then I didn't think it was right of me to give up on our marriage yet. I didn't have a whole lot of hope that things would change, but I just knew that there were plenty of things I still hadn't even tried, so I didn't feel right leaving without trying harder first.

 

Phenomenal!

 

Yes, I love that quote! I heard it on a YouTube video, but I'm not sure where it originated. I've heard the "the grass isn't always greener on the other side," but that can leave a person feeling hopeless, like they'll be stuck on dry grass forever, no matter what side they choose. But often the power to have luscious, green grass is yours, you just have to do the work.