Don't want to lose my family

All i can say is be honest, speaking from experience lies ruin you, and your marriage. I'm trying so hard to be honest at all times. It's time we broke out of the norm and get uncomfortable.

 

I say value honesty, but use caution.
You have had over a decade's insiders view on this problem
Obviously introducing this to your wife in the midst of your attempt to heal from it will only add the stress of her feelings of potential betrayal to the mix

The best solution I could imagine would be to see a counsellor together on the day you can announce you're 90 days clean.

There is always trauma when we lie to someone close to us - I don't know how to fix that part

 

As a wife of a PA honesty is the best thing that happened to our relationship. It hurt like hell, and we are still working on making the relationship work, but my one thing was that if there were lies then I leave, if he was honest then I would stay. It truly was the dishonesty in the relationship that killed the relationship rather than the porn (though that hurt immensely too, just not as much as the dishonesty). I say be honest, but maybe write a letter to her. Get all your thoughts out, revise it, apologize, explain that this has been an issue since 12. My husband has also been addicted since 12.

Personally the longer you wait to tell the worse the pain will be. If you guys do go to couples therapy and you announce that in therapy, I'll be honest if my husband did that to me I would walk right out of the session and never look back. I would not only be humiliated in front of my husband but also a stranger, I would not take that well, but that's just me. You would have to gage how you think your wife would respond. I, unfortunately, had to play detective instead of him telling me, but if he had told me I would have wanted it to be at the house, where I feel comfortable with a couples therapy session later that week already set up.

But do be honest, try writing a letter, explaining all the behaviors, explain the pain, explain why you are addicted (if you know that), and explain that you've been trying to fight it, and explain the shame and pain that you've gone through and how you felt if she knew she wouldn't accept you or would leave. When I found out my husband said that he thought I wouldn't love him anymore if I knew and he thought I would never view him the same and leave him. It's been over a year since I found out and we weren't married when I found out, I chose to stay, work on the relationship, and we got married. So there can be hope sometimes. Just present it in a delicate way.

 

A wife here.
The lies will ruin your marriage faster than the porn will.
And also you need to start with the fact that you are a addict and you are already working on recovering.
Don't wait to say you are already working on getting better.
Also, have many listed examples of how you plan on continuing your recovery.
You should have things to Show her.
Answer any questions.
Things won't always occur in moment, but randomly later.
Be calm.
Answer anything she asks.
Answer honestly.
Don't hesitate, ever... It'll make it seem like you are lying or looking for a lie.
Be completely transparent.
Be willing to give her very explicit details if she asks.
Some of us want to know.
Also, already have a AP
if you are Christian, I'd have that letter to spouse, ready to go.
Write down the NoFap address, say she can join too, and you are in a support group here
.. Make sure when you sit down to talk about this that there is No Way Kids will interrupt
Don't do this out of the house.
If she asks you to leave, be respectful.
That's all I can think of right now.
If you have more questions, feel free to ask
Good luck

 

I'm going to take this and use it, I never really took into thought that the lie was worse. I'm in a bad predicament right now too, been trying to figure things out. My wife isn't even talking to me, because of lies, I lied to many times when called out.

 

I have a thread on Boundaries, in this section.
Also, my SO is over a year PM free (so is @AnonymousAnnaXOXO)
She has a list of resources that were helpful for recovery I'm sure she can list in.
In the Partners Support Section, my Journal is A New Hope, and I have listed My resources in there as well talked about the lists we have made along the way,which my SO has decided to stick with everyday to help him recover.
Any questions, just ask.

 

She will need time to grieve

Let her work through her emotions.
She will have them all, she's entitled to them.
And she will develop her own triggers and have her own bad days, which won't always line up with yours.
This will get better with time.
Stay vigilant to your recovery, no matter what... And you guys will get through just fine

 

What happens immediately may not be the whole case of it all.
Like I said, she will need time to grieve.
If religion matters more than marriage, maybe.
It's all about where she feels when she finishes processing.
I watched my SO relapse only once (to his face) and when he had, what I considered a relapse but nobody else does, I went for the door.
Last chance.
He's not messing up.
We have 5 kids.
We are two different religions.
I don't tolerate BS.
Every woman is different.
Mostly, women want to know you are trying and Not lying.
Just my observation.

 

THIS! I myself have had to endure much less lying than many SOs/Wives on here, if anything I dealt with the truth being thrown in my face with cruel lack of consideration (so more a lack of awareness, empathy, and true recovery efforts). Still struggling with that and lately some hiding/secrecy. It's awful.

BUT, if you are genuinely trying and not lying, that's what matters. Because that shows real effort towards recovery. Actions need to match words. When they don't, guess which we are going to believe? Truth in words AND actions will give you the greatest chance at recovery both from the addiction and of an honest and happier marriage. I wish you and your wife the best.

 

I fully understand this. It was the worst betrayal I could imagine and 7 weeks later I am still devastaed. Feel free to PM me.

 

I'm glad you got to hear from wives here and not just me. Their advice is great.

 

I agree on that one, I wish I found this place the first time I messed up, it would have helped me.

 

Lies, especially the ones of omission, are the absolute worst. The lying and half-truths...

I feel relief and sanity when I know the truth. Be prepared to share things you're ashamed of.

The porn is nothing compared to the lies.

 

By the way, perhaps pre-facing your conversation with the fact that you honour your wife above all others, and you have sinned against her and God for which you are ashamed of but need forgiveness and help from her and God? I'm not religious, but that sounds like a good starter.

 

Honesty is definitely the best policy. I've screwed up over the years with pmo, which has affected my wife and family in ways I couldn't have imagined. However, I know that if I wasn't honest, I wouldn't still be with my wife. She has stood by me because-use I was honest. However, just a word of caution, in examining your motives by emptying everything at once. I am in a 12 step recovery fellowship (slaa) and it's pointed out that making amends to those you have harmed should often be a living amends whereby you act in a manner which demonstrates love, instead of saying things which would completely destroy someone. I guess it's a delicate balance to find. Feel free to message me if you wish. Good luck.