Let myself down again... :(

I didn't orgams or look at porn but I viewed facebook pictures and masturbated for several minutes. I was really hoping for a solid 120 day streak now it looks like I have to reset my counter again It was a good 48 days....and again, the culprit was I fear for my health and thought I couldn't get off to anything and had dick fear AGAIN...and AGAIN for the severalth time I could see I could get a 100% erection and my dick is perfectly healthy...sigh...when will I learn? I'm meeting with my LDR gf in 72 days and I was so badly hoping to make it to 120 days CLEAN without PMO and I messed up again...for NOTHING! Now I have to go a solid 72 days and hope I'm decent enough to perform for her.

Sigh....now I can probably look forward to my morning woods vanishing or weakening again. I'm so disappointed with myself. Thank god shes very understanding and knows more or less about my porn issue (she knows I relied on porn heavily for arousal) but it's just such a kick in the guts to fail like this. We both swore to each other to abstain from porn and I've just betrayed my end of the promise.

I dont know what I'm expecting in terms of replies to this thread but I just needed to vent somewhere, it's been a hard and lonely road...I guess the only positive thing I can take from all this is that I can put my dick fear to rest and accept its functioning physically perfectly well. I have so much fear over my organic health but it looked perfectly fine!

 

Yes sir.

 

Indeed, fear has always been the problem for me throughout this reboot, not even urgres. I've barely only gotten urges a few times, I don't even crave porn since I started my reboot because I'm THAT motivated to give it up. It's just like drugs I abused in the past, I was addicted for a while but one day I decided I had enough of them and I never got an urge to use ever again after I quit, like my brain had decided to just completely reject them for good. And it is the same for porn, I used to use every day, edges for hours and I would constantly get thoughts about porn, like it truly was an addiction and I couldn't give it up despite being aware of the damage it was doing to me. You are also 100% right though that fear can be a great asset, it's been a huge motivator for me, as well as meeting such an awesome girl for the first time in my life, that has been another huge motivation for me to change my life. And I have changed it, my personality has changed vastly for the better and I lost 30 kgs of weight (I was obese before now I am healthy BMI) and among lots of other changes...fear and the promise of happiness has given me all the motivation I need to quit my drug and try to improve myself.

I will say though that yesterdays slip up didn't harm me too much, I still woke up with a decent erection a few times last night so at least I'm not back to zero like last time...and that time I think it was because I did actually use a bit of pornography and I masturbated 4 days in a row (still no orgasm though).

 

No PMO stands for porn, MASTURBATION and orgasm...I masturbated, simple as that. It may not be a hard relapse or even a moderate one but it's still a relapse. I'd be 120 days clean by oct 31 if I didn't wank the other day to a picture on facebook. At least isn't porn though...and I can say I most likely didn't set myself back too hard because I'm still getting nocturnal erections...I know that last time I wanked to porn a few days in a row (and had wet dreams) I lost my nocturnal and waking erections because of that relapse. At least I'm not that bad.