Porn has ruined my life. My story. Please help.

I would just like some motivation, advice, whatever...Thanks for any input. Also, thanks for reading, this is very long, but this is my story in full and I do appreciate anyone willing to read the entire thing. Also, there may be some light triggers here, so be warned.

I have screwed myself up.

I had starting watching porn at 12, had no idea it could ever have a negative effect on a person.

So, my use escalated over time and I probably minor porn addiction symptoms. I was somewhat depressed, objectified women and started watching MILF porn. Though, I did not stop watching the completely normal stuff.

I really wanted to get myself together around my freshman year of high school. So, I started doing my best. My grades were the best they had ever been and I started exercising. I was also making attempts to be much more moral, even if I already was a decent person. I was happy and ready to see the consequences of my good decisions.

Then, I had testicular torsion. I ended up losing my testicle and felt horrible. Depressed, helpless, and like half the man I used to be.

After 9 days of healing, I was anxious to masturbate again. The urge was very strong and it was likely that I was already somewhat addicted here, at 14.

I believe the next few weeks were crucial to my downfall. I was very depressed and felt that luck just went and threw away all my attempts at self-improvement...The only way I could feel happy was to watch porn. It was also an artificial way of me feeling that I hadn't lost any of masculinity.

So, my use escalated. Two, three times a day once everything was completely healed. I soon noticed myself watching the normal stuff a lot more. I could only really get off to videos with a messed up and somewhat believable story. Husband and wife was a turn off. Bathrooms, sloppy oral, and friend's mothers went from being occasional background details to necessities.

It wasn't long before, on the related videos of a MILF video, I saw incest.

Suddenly, the "rush" from my first porn days had returned. Every video was a disgusting high. Except now I was disgusted after every viewing. I felt horrible.

Soon, I needed the incest setting to get off. I also started experiencing physical symptoms. Fatigue, sluggishness, laziness, brain fog...I felt that porn was eating away at my soul. Not only that, I had developed other symptoms (that through 4-5 day abstinence streaks, I have discovered do correlate with my porn use) such as scalp dermatitis, (undiagnosed, that is what looks like, parts of my scalp have developed into what seems like pityriasis amiantacea), worsened acne, testicular/groin pain(which caused me excruciating distress due to having already having had the torsion down there, I would dwell on living without testosterone, I felt as if something was out to get me and it was only a matter of time before something went wrong with the other one), and visual snow. I have also developed undiagnosed anxiety, hypochondria, and OCD-like symptoms (thinking of myself failing and then not being able to stop thinking about such failure).

I understand that many will say some of these problems are not connected to porn, however, they all decrease after just 5 days without porn and I never had any traces of any of them before my porn use escalated. I do believe I am an extreme case and that I am somehow more physically sensitive to excessive artificial orgasm use somehow...I am not imagining the clear scalp that starts to appear after a 5 days streak.

It was my demon and it was killing me. It has changed the way I look at people and I am constantly at war with myself. For example, if I see an attractive receptionist at a restaurant, it doesn't stop there, at that mostly harmlesss thought. It escalates to imagining having sex with her instantly, and then I start thinking, "Why do I have be such a disgusting person? Why did I let porn to me into a monster who perverts everything?".

So, I researched the effects of porn and masturbation and discovered yourbrainonporn.com and realized that it was true: I was an addict.

Then, I joined this website...only problem is that I have miserably failed every time I try and quit. No matter how hard I try, the urge comes back to break me. I believe this is because I have to return to dealing with all of the above symptoms and the stress coming from having them, which then pushes me to "feel good" for a few moments by PMOing.

I want to rise from this and be a good person. I truly believe I can be a normal kid again (I'm 15), as before I used porn I was normal and happy, trying to good with my time. I want to get back to that.


So there it is. How porn caused my downfall as a person. I've pulled no punches, except for that I have begun to bore of the incest porn after a year and have attempted watching even more disgusting material. I will not get into the details, however, none of it is illegal to view. I will not let this go any further, I have promised myself that, at least.

Thanks for reading, and once again, thanks for any input. Best of luck to anyone trying to quit.

 

Thanks for all the kind words. I too notice that I begin touching without even realizing it.

Also, I always seem to have a strong urge in the morning. I'm going to put my phone somewhere else so I can't lie in bed and PMO. Hopefully after enough implementation of strategies such as these I can pull through.

IGY, my name used to be lookingtheotherway. It was supposed to simply mean that I was looking for a new direction in life. However, if you go by the saying "look the other way", than it's the opposite of what I'm doing...I changed it to looking because I guess I'm really "looking" into myself, and it also retains the original meaning, haha.

And, goodman37, thank you for saying that beginning part. I've always felt like I have a lot on my plate, much more than I asked for and also much more than my peers. But I've also been told that everyone feels like that...but does everyone really feel like me? I can't help but doubt it.

 

Not what I'm running from...but where I'm going. Hmmm, I'll give that a try tomorrow. Thanks zavenwycliffe.

 

Thanks jbird, I am trying my best to change myself before it's too late. I wish someone had warned about what this could do to me. But hey, what can you do. Thanks for reading.

And that website is good, it's good that this is getting more exposure. However, I've read tons of information over on yourbrainonporn.com and am well aware of what this is doing to me. I know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it.